The After

In 2014, I got on one knee on the warm sands of Aruba and gave the man I loved a ring and my heart. I was sure after giving my heart to the wrong men time and time again that on this day, if he said yes, there would never be another. The bitter truth, if I am completely honest with myself, is that because I wasn't able to love and accept myself at the time, I should have never been careless with his heart and with my own because back then my heart was nothing more than soft clay not yet formed to the solid structure it should have been. A structure that could support both of us. 

I don't regret the past 10 years, I've loved as best as I could and I've tried to honor our vows to the best of my ability and we've made a pretty nice home and friends I cherish til the end of time. But through those years our root systems within us have expanded in separate ways and when they interact they choke one another rather than feed each other the nutrients each needs to flourish and grow. 

I've just begun to scratch the surface of loving myself at 41 but what I've found is that often times I think our self love needs a little nudge or boost from those that love us. I surround myself with people I trust and who I truly believe see value in me. Yes, in order to love others we must love ourselves, an affirmation said weekly by the one and only RuPaul. But how do you begin that process? For me, the first step was to be honest with myself in what I want out of life and to not feel ashamed of it. 

But there was a cost. The hardest part of that self realization is knowing when you share the darkest parts of yourself OR what you believe is a dark part of yourself, you may lose the ones you love. My life has been a constant bending to other people's needs, melting into their world and convincing myself that their world, their way of life was what I wanted to. One relationship after the next always finding comfort in being taken care of by others and never realizing that I would become so comfortable I wouldn't give myself the opportunity to lean into some discomfort to which could allow me to support myself. Looking back I'm not entirely shocked I couldn't make a relationship work when all I kept doing was running the wrong way. My heart is heavy. Shame, guilt, sadness, excitement for the unknown, happiness, fear... a plethora of emotions daily. Hour by hour. There are times I put on my favorite songs, I close my eyes and I dance. I dance like no one is watching and I feel like I can fly. That's the freedom I want in my life, always and what I'm feeling after having to say goodbye.

So on that beach when I was on my knee, all I wanted was one man to love til the day I perish from this world. One man to keep safe and to support until the end of our days. And who will love and support me in return. This hasn't changed. I still want those things. What has changed is what the makeup of that marriage looks like. What I have learned is that I'm not quite sure the traditional marriage is for me. I've learned that I'm too much of a free spirit and this has me riddled with guilt because in these actualizations I have hurt someone very special and to whom I have to let go. But I'm filled with constant conflicting thoughts and that maybe just maybe we were so different that we just weren't right for each other and in another I will want monogamy. I just don't know and for now it really doesn't matter. 

I've found a new respect for myself. I am actually for the first time loving and accepting myself for who I am and I'm eager to share this new me to the world. I'm more assertive with what I want and fearless than I have ever been but with that new found love I'm ashamed it has taken me so long to get here and a part of me is ashamed for feeling even just a little bit excited and happy knowing I'm causing another so much pain. But I would be lying if the after didn't scare the fuck out of me. Uprooting my life, starting again, giving my heart to another when that time comes and this time showing ALL of me to that person scares me more than death. 

                                                                   The After

So I had this dream, 
I was on that beach again but when I was on one knee looking up at you, 
I was kneeling in quick sand and I was sinking deeper and deeper,
All the while your eyes stared down at me and they said the most hurtful things, 
And all I could think was...this is what I get for trusting ghosts.

And I have to believe when this pain subsides,
We will both be one with the tide,
And we will breath sweet new air into our lungs
And we will find peace in the after.

We did our best and I know I wasn't easy to love,

God knows we tried to be one,
But the damage is beyond repair,

And I will always have you in my heart,
I will always hold your family dear,
But I'm awake and the quick sand is ready to take me in this bed I've made.

And I have to believe when our tears have dried,

In the dawn, peace we'll find

And we will breath sweet new air into our lungs,

And love will find us again in the after.

40

To starting a new decade,
wondering what is around the corner,
good or bad. 
Forks in the road, how do I choose?

With self-doubt mixed with unconcern,
A faulty self-image mixed with unrelenting confidence,

Another crack as I bend, pop as I turn,

An unrecognized pain

I relish in the quiet,

overcome with memories,

good and bad.

Will I allow myself to forget the bad?

With another friend lost,

confused as to why, but answers not found.

Determined to break the patterns,

courage to break from cages, I have made.

Brave enough not to blame myself,

for everything.

Enjoying the calm.

Am I afraid of letting in the noise?

With more trials to overcome,

the feeling of knowing myself mixed with the fear,

of wondering if my truth is a lie.

A bitter reckoning.

A metamorphosis that permits looking inward,

with a brave mind.

Breathing deeply, 

letting out more than I let in.

Can I truly let go?

With another supplement containing humility,

swallowed down with pride.

Reminding myself that it's ok to reinvent.

A gift.

Oh how the little things matter more than ever.

Falling in love with repetition, yet hating static.

Maybe everything I wanted a decade ago hasn't come to pass,

is it ever too late?

With keeping memories that matter fresh,

unbothered by forgetting the reason I walked into that room,

a minute ago.

Enjoy the ride.

And although I may still compare myself to others,

though I may deny it,

recognize the handsome uniqueness.

Has it truly been 40 years?

With taking it all in,

but not dwelling, so that my light doesn't dim.

Not staying still for too long,

yet staying grounded.

And recognize I matter, 

That I'm not just made of matter, but alive and well.

Change is not my nemesis,

can I begin again?

To start a new path at 40. 

Lessons

I titled this blog the diary of a boy next door because I've always considered myself a "boy next door" type. The dictionary's definition of a boy next door is
    
  a person or type of person perceived as familiar, approachable, and dependable, typically in the context of a romantic partnership.

I’m not witty, not particularly talented, I don't think I'm the type that could stand out in a crowd either but I’ve always tried to maintain a few qualities that I feel are most important, approachable and dependable being among them. Not just in my marriage but to anyone who is close to me, dependability is up there in qualities I seek in others and a quality I thrive to carry forth to people I care about. I've often mentioned in my blogs how important to me friendships are. Sometimes I fear I don't concentrate on my marriage as much as I should because I'm more concerned about being there for everyone else. I think a part of that has to do with needing approval from others. In my mind if I have approval from others, than I matter. So therefore, I fear I don’t know myself at all. What's harder is at the age of 18, I thought I knew myself, at 25 same thing, etc. I'm indecisive often times and I act too quickly, This often leads to disastrous results.

Joshua and I got into an argument the other night. It was one of those, I need to take a long drive to think, I may sleep elsewhere type of arguments. The "on the surface" cause for the argument is far less important than what lied beneath. The real reason why we argued and the lessons I've/we've learned are far more significant. I am constantly growing psychologically. Things I want out of life and my interests are always changing. Joshua thinks I'm never satisfied and that I'm always looking for something better. I tend to disagree with this because there are indeed plenty of things I do not want to change, first and foremost my marriage. Despite our rough patches, which all relationships have, our love runs deep. My friends are another. If you're a good friend to me you're my friend for life, in fact you instantly become my family. What I don't like and never will is the mundane everyday type of life many of us are forced to live each day. I often feel I'm wasting away my life doing the same thing day in and day out. I once thought my greatest fear was death but greater than that is dying without having lived. 

After many tears and some time apart which wasn't long but felt like centuries, we got back to our good place and what I learned about myself was this:
 

1. I compare myself to others too much. Probably why I don’t know myself at all. I’m insecure. Often times I feel being dependable isn’t good enough and that I’m lacking something that sets me a part from others and therefore I fade into the crowd. I don’t have a solution to fix this other than until I stop being afraid of loss I’ll never be satisfied with what is presently right in front of me.

2. I learned I often make issues about me. Again, it’s because I’m insecure. Joshua says I should consider seeing a therapist. Maybe it will help me understand why it is I’m so insecure in the first place. I’m so afraid of not being “a part” of something that I sometimes try to attach myself to every situation just to feel recognized. So why do I feel like I have to be a part of everything? Simply, I don’t want to feel abandoned. I want to be a part of everything so that I don’t need to fear being a part of nothing.

3. I learned I don't trust myself. It is very hard for me to do because I’m always so critical of myself. Wouldn't it be nice to be able to take the advice we so often give to others. I am a self-deprecating person. I don't believe this to be a bad thing. Knowing my faults and laughing about them is healthy but it often leads to an unhealthy place that is hurtful. My confidence level can drop with just a snap of a finger and that obstructs me from taking risks and trusting in myself enough to know that I can pick myself up from whatever negativity is put in my path.

I can't stress enough how important it is too be honest. In my mind, the more honest I am with myself the less I'll have to hold on to in case I fall. I'm afraid the ground below me will give way and I'll just keep falling further and further until I have nothing. One night in bed with tears in my eyes, I told Joshua that each year we are together I'm learning more about myself as an individual while we learn from each other as a couple and my fear is that at some point we may grow apart instead of growing together. Prior to this night we were having some issues because of my fear of being honest. That fear led to resentment and ultimately was hurting us. We talked and to my surprise I didn't realize just how well he really knew me. It was comforting and scary, knowing someone  knew me possibly better than I knew myself. 

Throughout my marriage there are moments where I take a step back and I think, "There, that's it. That's why I asked this man to marry me." That night in bed was one of those moments. Joshua is quite possibly the most observant person I know and he accepts me for my true self, faults and all. He may not like every decision I make and I'm sure I keep him on his toes, but at the end of the day I'm learning that I can trust in the fact that when there is something I'm mentally struggling with, I can go to him and we can work it out and as I learn to navigate my own psyche and discover who I am, I am glad I married my own boy next door. 

Part of a Whole

I've been losing a lot of sleep lately and have been bearing a heavy heart. I think it's due to all of this quiet and fresh air now that I have traded in my city life for a home in the country. There is plenty of time to reflect on choices I have made in my life when my weekends consist of puttering around the house, gardening and googling home decorating tips. I just realized I used the word puttering, sigh.

I began this blog to give my thoughts and emotions an outlet and maybe, if fortunate enough, learn more about myself so that I could rid myself of all of these parasitic demons that eat away at my soul. Regrettably, I fear, they have just multiplied into more demons. I am not sure why I stopped writing, at the very least, for a moment, writing my thoughts down gives me some fulfillment.

Each year, as my hair grows thinner and I shy away from things that I fear, I hate myself for not making changes in my life and taking risks that I think...I'd like to say that I know...but I think will help calm my psyche cause right now I am so out of whack. No, getting married is certainly not one of those regrets in case that thought crosses anyone's mind. Do I think being married completes me? That I am part of a whole? No. I used to think for a long time ever since I was a young gay boy wondering if there were other young gay boys out there hoping to find one another that when that time came I would be fulfilled. I used to listen to that song "Somewhere Out There" from an American Tail and look at the moon from my 8th floor apartment window hoping I'd find someone to love me and that would be it, I'd fall in love, get married and feel whole. Now I feel that I alone can only complete me. My husband is not my other half. He is his own person who I am fortunate enough to have love me and whom I am fortunate enough to love wholeheartedly.

I've been losing a lot of sleep because sometimes I wish that I could go back to being that little boy and maybe rewrite a few story lines in some of the chapters in my life. Often as I scroll through Facebook and I see posts from people I haven't seen in years, some 10 plus years, I wonder if I ever come across their minds or are we just inattentively hitting that like button because that is what technology has conditioned us to do. There was a time when I judged myself based on how many friends I had and now with every passing year, I realize the benefits of quality over quantity. I pray that those people in my life who have stuck with me feel I give meaning to them as they do me. With that though, I have a hard time accepting people just come in and out of your life. Why do people just grow apart? For me, it's a hard concept to accept. Every person I have laughed with, cried with, have loved are all apart of me and always will be. Any person who I have been fortunate enough to know for any amount of time, they all are a part of me and have in some significant way shaped me. 

My heart is heavy because I wish that I could go back and right many wrongs. People I have hurt and used just to keep going. People who may well still be apart of my life had I not been such a pompous ass. I'd hate to go about life with them not knowing just how truly sorry I am. I often think I have just followed along the paths of others instead of creating one that is truly my own.

We take for granted life so much it kills me and yet most of us just keep coasting by without ever really doing anything that holds meaning for ourselves or maybe I am alone in thinking this, I don't know. I just know that time is moving so quickly and I'm just holding on tightly with my eyes closed much like I do on a roller coaster. Wanting to feel the rush but not truly living it because I can't see and afraid if I let myself be free, throwing my arms in the air and enjoy the ride, I may fall.

So as I near closer to letting my thirties go, I pray that besides marriage with all of its messiness and surprises, I'll discover more about myself and become the person I was meant to be. That I'll be able to find peace in the fact that I can't change the past and I can only live in the now and it is never too late to start again. I may fear a lot of things one of those being forgetting who I am but one of these days I will stop watching from the sidelines as others play the game.

Love Letter

Dear Craig,

I hope this finds you well. We haven't spoken in quite some time so I thought it was about time I reached out.

Congratulations on your marriage! I heard it was beautiful. I look at your photos often and they give me comfort. The unknown can be frightening, but when I look at your photos I see balance. Life can easily crack the strongest foundation but the love of family and friends can quickly seal the brokenness of spirit. That gives me hope.

I've always felt you had a heavy heart. I know that sometimes you try to do the right thing and it constantly backfires on you. Don't feel discouraged. If others can't see what I see than allow blindness to be their downfall. You enjoy making people happy because you attempt to share in their pain and by comforting them you think you have comforted yourself. Is letting your own feelings show such a terrible thing? I know you have a hard time crying in front of others. How many times have you told me that you wished you could bury your face in Joshua and just cry your heart out. What's stopping you? I can't answer these questions for you. You'll just have to figure that out for yourself.

You're a fool to believe that just because you attempt to be a good person you will be rewarded. That type of belief is damaging to your soul. Just BE a good person. You're also a fool to believe someone other than yourself will hold a map to your life. Existence is hard. It's full of weeds and dust. Stop creating diversions. Let your heart and soul clear those roads less traveled and be patient. You give up too easily. Why are you so afraid?

You may be reading this and thinking, what kind of friend am I, but it's because I care about you that I write this. I've seen you drag yourself through the mud more than once. I've heard you calling out, screaming. I've felt you almost give up. You feel as though you are spinning out of control and despite your "glass half full" mentality, it's no good if your glass is full of poison. When all you see is darkness I hope you can find it within yourself to forgive me. Maybe then, you can open up those blinds and let some light in.

You're allowing others to intimidate you. There will always be others who are smarter than you, but guess what? There will always be someone smarter than them as well. How do you perceive intelligence? If the day comes that you feel it's time for a change, trust yourself. If you believe you're failing just begin again. There is no courage in bringing others down for how you feel inside yourself. Courage is admitting you failed and learning from your mistakes. You are stupid for thinking you are stupid. Never let others make you feel less of yourself.

You've lost friends along the way. You think about them often. You've also gained many more. I can tell. I hope you still consider me one. I hope you don't hate me for writing all of this, but I felt it was about time you began seeing things clearer. Someone needs to help you put things in perspective. Facing yourself is scarier than any nightmare you can conjure up. I know you and I can at least agree on that.

Before I go, just know that I love you. There have been times I've hated you. I've pitied you, as well. It's only because when I look at you, I see parts of myself I've kept buried. I really don't want to face any of my demons, but you constantly force me to. I think that's how we got here, don't you? I forgive you for that. In fact, thank you. You're a complicated soul, but that's one thing I love about you. You tell people you're an open book, but I still think you keep people at arms length. I think people may surprise you. You're too quick to judge.

I hope one day we can make peace with each other. I'd hate to let our lives go by with you feeling it was only your fault. I'm just as guilty. If in fact I never hear from you, I wish you all the best. If by happenstance I run into you, I hope you don't look the other way. Even just a ghost of a smile would be less haunting than avoidance. Don't carry the weight of the world on your shoulders.

Yours truly.

I'm Afraid

I had asked this guy I dated once how he stayed so fit and he told me he just danced and sweat it all out in his room and then he would do a bit of lifting. He asked me to join him one day so one hot summer day in Jamaica Plain we just stripped down to our underwear and put on some electronic dance music or was it the 80's...I can't remember...and we danced in his room until sweat was dripping off our bodies. It was fun and I laughed a lot, mostly because I felt so ridiculous dancing around in my boxer briefs with him, but then I thought, this is like any Saturday night at a lot of gay clubs and here at least I’m not self conscious. He told me it was cathartic for him and this is mine….

I’m afraid. 

I’m afraid I wont be a good husband. Joshua is my rock and I never want to dissapoint him. I'm afraid I’ll just stay at my job another 10 years without doing anything meaningful. I’m afraid of losing my hair that’s becoming thinner and thinner. I’m afraid I’ll lose Joshua. I’m afraid I’ll never write the one piece of literature that I’m most proud of. I'm afraid I won't have the body I always wanted. I’m afraid of telling people my true feelings. I’m afraid people aren’t telling me their true feelings. I’m afraid people think I’m some sort of joke. I’m afraid I’ll never love myself as much as I’m supposed to. That I’ll be a failure. That I am a failure. That I won’t have children and if I do I’ll be a shitty father. I’m afraid of those who I shouldn’t be afraid of but am because they have what I wish I did. I’m afraid of one day being alone. 

I’m afraid. 

Fear is a bitch. I try to recollect what may have happened to me in my life that made me so afraid to take risks. At least then I’d be able to blame something or someone other than myself. I’ve let fear guide me through easy paths and take advantage of me when I was most vulnerable. It only gets worse as you age too. I mean with every year that goes by I’m just more afraid then I was before. I wish I could take all my fear and turn it into something great but then I’m afraid it won’t be so great after all. *sigh*

What do you do when you have so many ideas and ambition and you can’t find an outlet for any of it? I want to be a novelist, a baker, a therapist, a hero. I wanted to be a teacher and travel to Africa and build homes. I want so much out of life. I want the simple and the complex. I want the wild and the calm. I want to be free and tied down. 

I’m afraid of letting people walk all over me. I’m still till this day afraid of bumping into certain ex's. I’m afraid of being laid off. I’m afraid of seeing our world turn to shit. I’m afraid of being undesirable. I’m afraid of losing the trust of those I love. I’m afraid of being poor. I’m afraid that before I die I just won’t leave a legacy behind. I’m afraid that at my doctor’s visit today they’ll do another biopsy and this time it will be bad. Really bad. I’m afraid of feeling stupid. When I was in Paris, the man I was with whom I admired because he was so smart and drop dead sexy told me I had a lot of blonde moments and it wasn't said in a jokingly manner. He was being cruel and it cut deep. Really deep. I’m afraid of losing battles and not being brave. 

I’m just afraid. 

The thing is I’m an optimistic person so I’ll keep believing in the good of everything till the day I die, I know I will. You could push me to the moon and I'll find my way back home some how. I always look for the silver-lining. I have so much love in my heart but I’m scared of being defeated by myself. I’m afraid that all the dark parts of me will consume me and just when I've escaped my ill fate I'll be pulled right back. 

I could have a panic attack just writing this. *deep breath* It’s pretty cathartic getting all of this out. I’ve been having panic attacks a lot lately. Mostly when I’m driving where I think the most or at night laying in bed. It’s definitely not fun having a panic attack especially when you’re behind the wheel. my heart races, I sweat, my legs become jello, and I basically forget how to drive. At night my mind would just race and I’ll have to keep telling myself things are good but then I just start up again..

I’m afraid of being tempted and giving in. I’m afraid of not visiting all the beautiful places earth has to offer. I’m afraid of regret. Being laid off. I'm afraid that parts of me haven't stuck to those I once loved. Parts of them have stayed with me. I'm afraid of the inability to be the better person. I’m afraid I’ll never really understand my feelings. I’m afraid of letting people down. I’m afraid I’m misunderstood. I’m afraid of being judged. I'm afraid of not finding my true potential. 

Well there you have it. Pretty much all of my fear laid out for you to laugh at or emphasize with. To judge or snicker at. But it’s my fear and I own it. I promise myself everyday that I'll accomplish some of my goals. It could be because we are getting a new boss at work in April or the wedding. Closing this chapter of my life has left me rehashing so much. I'm doing pretty good at the whole loving thing so that's something. Lots of barriers to take down there, but they have crumbled.

I'm terrified

Maybe I’ll go dance in my room now. 

Flaws and All

"Say one thing interesting about yourself." I hate this statement nor do I like being put on the spot. It makes me uneasy. Why? Because I'm not interesting. It's ok, I have come to terms with it, mostly because in Joshua's eyes I'm perfect and he's the only one whose opinion matters to me.  Then again, when I have to respond with nervous chuckle, "I have no idea." I feel defeated.

I recently went through my contacts and came to the horrifying realization that I stay in contact with only about a third of the people I know. Most of the people in my contacts are guys I dated or hooked up with in the past 13 years or so. Lots of first names with the word grindr or scruff in parenthesis at the end. Delete, delete. What does that say about me? I don't know. What I do know is that despite all these failed relationships, more than anything, it was just love and acceptance I was looking for, even if it was just for one night. That one nightstand, whoever he was, was with me and just me and I felt wanted. I've felt alone most of my life and I couldn't find many people who really got me. It's not for a lack of trying. There are times when I contemplate texting a friend just to say hi, even if I haven't seen or heard from them in a long time. What is the worst that could happen? then I just think they will find it very strange that I contacted them in the first place and so I think, what's the point. Better not to feel rejected. After all, I can't really call many people I know as "friends" but more acquaintances. My definition of a true friend eliminates a lot of people. I mean there's Facebook right. I hate Facebook. As a society, I feel as though we are losing all ability to truly connect with one another. I mean if it wasn't for Facebook I would have about 15 contacts in my phone. That's fucked up, but it's reality all the same. My reality. I just haven't made many connections at all. At least ones that have lasted.

I have never been one who could stand on my own in groups. I'm not witty, not an intellectual, maybe I can be funny at times, but you throw me in a crowd and I feel unvalued. I never feel as though I fit. I'm a giant square in a circle puzzle. It's as though I could be in the middle of a library and I could scream and no one would even flinch. I have had many groups of friends but not many have stuck. I see college friends maybe three or four times a year, but besides that my time is spent either alone or with Joshua who I don't get to see very often as I'd like, for now anyway. I hate that we don't live together. It's not that his company isn't enough for me, but I always think about the It's a Wonderful Life quote, "No man is a failure who has friends." Don't get the tissues out just yet, I have friends but when I think about how many people have passed through my life and how many have stuck it's a little disconcerting.

When you're gay and you spend your childhood feeling isolated for so long you yearn for acceptance in adulthood more so than if you grew up feeling accepted. You become more independent. Maybe that isn't necessarily true for everyone but for me it's pretty accurate. It lead to a lot of insecurity and I felt pretty worthless. I'm a loner. I spent most of my life grasping for people to hang with and they all slipped through my fingers. I spent so much money trying to keep up with friends who had more than me only to still be left with nothing. I was like a chameleon, changing myself to fit into my surroundings. I tried pouring my heart out, believing I could just be a "good friend" but no one seemed to notice. I've tried over and over jumping from one group of friends to the next thinking this time it will be different, but it always ended the same. I grow apart from them as they remain together and I'm back to square one. I'm just not an interesting person. I have a good heart with good intentions, but that never seemed enough for most gay men I knew. It's exhausting really, putting so much effort into trying to fit in to be let down over and over again. It's not healthy giving up on who you are to try and please others. One lesson I will tell my kids some day is to never lose sight of yourself. I did almost anything just to feel apart of something.

I hate to segregate my straight friends from any gay friends I know. Friends are friends despite sexual preference, but none of my straight friends ever made me feel worthless. There has only been one gay man I have truly connected with, my best friend Matthew. Besides him, the only people I hear from are my straight friends. Maybe that doesn't mean anything, but it's an observation I have made. The only few gay men I knew who used to stay in touch quickly dissapeared when I was taken off the market.  So there you have it. The dreams of having a group of friends like those in movies like Broken Hearts Club or shows like Queer as Folk are gone. It shouldn't matter, but it does to me because I have always been one who put a lot of faith and trust in friends. The one who would do just about anything for them. I just had high hopes is all.

It could all be in my head, mostly fears that are ingrained in me from bad memories from High School, but I feel like a scared teenager who won't be accepted every time I'm thrown into a group setting. It's terrifying and for a 32 year old to admit this, well I'm either humiliating myself right now or finally just admitting to myself that sometimes I feel alone even though I have the most amazing man I could ask for.

I had a cancer scare recently and the other day I had to have a colonoscopy. Fortunately they didn't find anything, but as I'm waiting to be wheeled into the room to have my procedure done, I noticed a man in scrubs walking around who of course I had slept with many years ago. At first I got really hot and my heart starting pounding and I thought OMG please don't tell me he's going to be the one to perform my procedure and oh god now my blood pressure is getting high. Then I thought this is so typical, I can't even have a procedure done where they are going to stick a camera up my ass, without running into someone I slept with. Then finally, after I gathered myself together, I was just sad. He was just another guy who took advantage of me and he's a doctor or a surgeon and I'm in just a decent job who may have cancer after I just met the person I want to spend my life with.

It's not really that I care what people think of me, but when you start to wonder if maybe there is something wrong with you and you begin to hate yourself it's hard to find your ground again. You start to believe your worthless and you can become depressed. You can be taken to a dark place that's very hard to crawl out of. I've been there a few times.

For me, that's the scariest part about loving someone and maybe why I sometimes sabotaged potential relationships in the past. When you feel as alone as I have so many times, giving your heart to someone who may not be there tomorrow is scarier than dying. When I decided to propose to Joshua that was when I finally decided to let all that go and give myself a chance to change my life. To begin to break bad habits. To be defeated by love and hope for the best. Getting on one knee as the sun was beginning to set over Aruba, it was as though I was finally saying goodbye to one person and welcoming a new hopefully improved Craig. With tears in my eyes, I asked him to marry me. I had such confidence up until that point. I was terrified. He brings out the best in me. He's an angel, really. He's so pure and good, sometimes I feel as though he deserves better. I fell in love with him because in this crazy cruel world that we live in, he is goodness and his goodness brings out all the best parts of me and despite my fear of losing him and the dark sides of myself he accepts me unconditionally. Flaws and all. I don't need to be funny, I don't need to be an intellectual, I don't need to be creative or wealthy or anything other than who I am. That's true love.

MSG

I just finished watching an extraordinary movie called The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel. It isn't the first time I've seen it, but one of those movies I can watch over and over again. This time, however, I paid more attention to a lot of the themes in the movie and they struck me more so now than it had before. Possibly, because my job is unbearable at times and I have to constantly think about Joshua and my life with him before I walk out the door with my middle finger waving in the air. I want a simpler more meaningful way of living.

The movie is about a group of British men and women in retirement age who venture to a retirement community in India. Each of them searching for something different. For some, just a change of life and others to find something they thought they had lost back home. In any case, some find what they needed and for others they find unexpected things that makes them realize that maybe this isn't the end...but rather a new beginning for them. Now I'm clearly not any way close to retirement, but what I crave, dream of, and fear is change. Despite the fact that lots of changes are happening in my personal life, marriage, saving for a future I wasn't sure was in the cards for me, etc...I'm lacking real living. I go to work, workout, chat with my fiancé, have dinner, go to bed...Monday through Friday the same routine. I'm bored with life.

I want to experience life the way each one of us should experience life. That is by embracing things around us that are new and by not per say welcoming new experiences, but having the strength to acknowledge that new experiences, new ways of thinking, opening ourselves to the possibility of learning from other cultures...may indeed breathe new life in our beings. Accepting when things go awry and laughing at those moments, hoping that one bad experience won't deter us from experiencing more. The way I look at life is this...when something really bad happens to us, instead of closing ourselves off and letting our spirit wither away, let it enlighten us. Let it push us closer to whatever it is we search for. If things were always perfect we would just drift through life without ever bettering ourselves because we wouldn't know that we could.

There are times when I feel as though I'm alone in my way of thinking. As I write, I don't even know if I make any sense. There are times at work where I feel as though I must be speaking a different language. That what seems sensible to me does not to others. I fear one day I will lose my job because I'll allow my integrity to takeover and I'll say how I truly feel... to those who just love throwing people under busses and believe that I am more or less ignorant because I am younger than them. To those who are just rotten disrespectful people. I just want to take Joshua and runaway. Leave the country and accept new ways of living that are far less complicated than what we allow ourselves to experience.

This is not living. I want vibrant color and tantalizing flavor. Not gray and bland with a touch of MSG. I want to go to a place of work where people are respected, not made to feel like there opinion doesn't matter. I want to live a life where I'm making change. Where I'm making a difference in someone's life. Not where when I come to work my heart races and I feel like I may have a panic attack. I'm a dreamer. I've been this way since I was a child. I've never understood the true meaning of living. It sounds strange I suppose but we are given this precious gift of being alive, a gift that at any moment can be taken from us and yet most of us waltz through life with blinders on. Taking all that we have for granted. Say you get the opportunity at the end of your life to look back on it...don't you want to feel as though you did something in life that meant something?...I do.

It's all a facade. Is living proving to the world your worth something because of all you own? Because of the ladder you climbed, never minding the people you broke to get there? Why do we constantly have to prove ourselves to anyone? Prove something to yourself instead. Do more that does not just make you feel good but makes you a better person. Challenge yourself ...take a different road. Do something that betters the world. All our lives would be better if we start to walk away from everything that keeps us from what truly matters in this life.

Mixed Reviews

In an effort to form a better relationship with my brother and my mother's insistence that we become closer, I invited my brother out to lunch and also he owed me money and knew this was the best way for him to pay me, in person. We had a few drinks and talked about relationships. He was asking about Joshua, which I thought was really cool as I have always had a hard time talking about my relationships with anyone who was a straight male, especially those whom against my better judgment wanted in my life. It stems from all the years of being bullied by straight men and so afraid I will be treated differently. Just the other day, after work, I was having drinks with my coworkers and one of my straight male colleagues was inquiring about my trip to Aruba and the big news I had. I always get hot in the face when I talk about how I am in a relationship with a man. As if they will get weird and awkward and start thinking I am trying to hit on them or something. It's not as if I am ashamed, I just hate the way some people look at you after you explain to them, "Oh I'm in a relationship with a man, I'm gay" You can see it in their eyes...the judgment.

My brother and I were discussing relationships and how he was happy I finally met someone who made me happy and someone I have decided to stay with. He then told me about an ex he had who worked in the southend, in the restaurant business, and how she used to throw my name around. "Do you know someone named Craig Licchi?" I got red in the face and reluctantly asked him what she had to report. My brother told me his ex just looked at him and smirked and said, "Mixed Reviews" I was absolutely mortified. What does "mixed reviews" mean?! And who did she talk to?! I drove home envisioning all the faces of people I could think of who she may have spoken too. I shivered.  Did they say I was bad in bed? Good in bed? a bad person? Kind? A Jerk? Strange? Some comments I could deal with and others I had to make sure were corrected immediately.

Everyone knows it's nearly impossible to critique yourself the ways others do. We never see our faults the way others see them. Some things you may find completely rational may seem extremely strange to someone else. I mean right before I started writing this blog, I asked the barista to make me another latte and handed him the mug I drank the first one out of. The three people behind the counter gave me weird looks and started making comments. I was just trying make less dirty cups for them. I almost even asked the guy, "Is that weird?" I mean in a place like Somerville that is so earthy crunchy I thought this was normal behavior.

So anyway I thought well maybe she spoke to one of the many crazies I dated. Now I know I am sorta contradicting myself here. Maybe to me they were crazy, but to someone else completely normal. Either way when you breakup with someone, unless its completely mutual, they won't have nice things to say about you. Or maybe she spoke to people I casually dated and where the relationship just fizzled out. I hope I left a good impression. I can sit here and say I don't care what others think about me, but I'd be lying. I think most of us who say we don't care are lying to ourselves. I do care how others see me. What I can affirm, however, is that you can't please everyone. Not everyone is going to like you. You could be the kindest person in the world and some might say you are being fake or just find something to dislike about you.

Some might say, "You have Joshua now, he is all that matters." Well true he is the most important person in my life and yes, if I want anyone in this world to see me positively it's him. I mean I have never come across someone as kind and considerate as Joshua. All my priorities, once misguided and ruffled, have been sorted since I met him. All the monsters in my head from past relationships have been scared off from the unconditional love I am receiving from him. But with that being said, that doesn't mean I need to lose sight of all the other things in my life that are important to me. It's ok to share a life with someone without having to sacrifice the things that made you happy before that person came along. The trick is to find someone that understands and appreciates that.

Last weekend Joshua and I went through my photo albums. It seemed like every other album Josh would say, "Who is that?" and my response was always, "Oh we dated." I wasn't ashamed at all, nor did it make him uncomfortable. So I dated a lot, big deal. Sometimes I put all my eggs in one basket and other times I didn't. Now that I'm settled with him, I am glad I had all the experiences I had. I'm glad I cried all those tears, screamed all those profanities, had all that sex, and discovered my limits, my faults, and my strengths. I learned what true love was and how it could lead to pain, confusion, and how when you lose sight of yourself and give in to temptation it doesn't mean you love someone any less, just that you are human. As I looked at the faces of those I loved or cared about, some who I still care about, so many emotions were filling up inside me. If I was to run into any of these men, what would they have to say about me? Did I leave any mark on them? Everyone whom I have been with has left an impression on me. It's impossible to give out love without consuming feeling in return and then forgetting that feeling they have left on you. It always remains.

So, in the eyes of some men in Boston I could possibly seem like an odd duck. Unattractive. a terrible lover. In some maybe kind hearted, a great lover, sexy even. Smart or stupid. I'm all of those things. Perception is a very wicked and strange thing. I sometimes feel I'm ugly and sometimes I look in the mirror and think damn I am hot. Sometimes I am sweet and other times I'm a complete bitch. Sometimes I think I am clever and other times I think, "God I am dumb." At least I realize this and aim for the positive characteristics I know I possess. So I have decided that it's cool that people have mixed reviews of me, whether I just met you on the street or dated you...because I have mixed reviews about myself everyday.

Dating Disasters: Every Rose Has a Thorn, Part II

I wanted to share this experience with him. I wanted to look back on this trip and say I survived almost two weeks across the world with the man I love. The flights there, despite its length, were a breeze. We slept, watched movies, ate food, and read. I brought two travel guides and a journal. My goal was to create a travel journal, experience everything Thailand had to offer and each night write about it. For Christmas, he had given me a leather bound journal, knowing I loved to write, it meant a lot to me. He listens.

We started out in Bangkok at a beautiful residence that would cost a resident of Thailand a lot of money, but fairly cheap for us. We rode in a tuk tuk to our residence which was thrilling. It's a fast two wheel motorized car that's open in the back. As we sped to our destination, I kept thinking about how lucky I was to be here. A chance of lifetime to experience a place like this and to do it with him. I had begun to let my guard down. It took awhile. When we had first met, I knew he was going to cause me pain. He was only a few years younger than me, but knowing how I was at his age and what pain I caused my ex, I knew this was a bad idea, but I had fallen hard. Throughout our days in Bangkok, we visited museums and the Grand Palace. Grand doesn't describe how amazing this place was. We watched a Muay Thai match which I can only describe in terrible fashion as Boxing meets Martial Arts, took a beautiful night river tour at the floating markets, shopped, ate delicious food, and drank on top of expensive hotels over looking the grandeur of Bangkok that is breathtaking. Things were going splendid, except for the occasional upset stomach, I couldn't have been happier. floating market/river tour was my favorite leg of that part of the trip. It's just a long market on a river with small shops along both sides. The people are friendly and despite having little, they are happy. Their happiness comes from things that matter not material things us Americans have to have. It's grounding.

By the second leg of our trip, Phuket, things started to change. My fears of being with him began once again with no cause but my own. Five of us were relaxing at the pool with a swim up bar when my friend and I noticed two beautiful Australian guys close by. We began making sexual comments about them to each other which caused my bf to get angry. My heart dropped. I was buzzed and feeling good, but I was wrong and I apologized profusely. I thought he would just chime in with us, but he made me feel like a god awful bf. It was one of the first times I had seen him angry so I was taken back. We let it go.

Thai New Year (Songkran) was upon us. I didn't know much about the festivities, but part of the celebration involves a water festival. It's a time where people roam the streets with anything they can carry water in, buckets, water guns, cups, whatever and everyone gets soaked. SOOOO much fun. With it being as hot and humid as it was, I didn't mind. We couldn't leave the resort without getting wet. How much fun to carry a super soaker around and be able to go up to random people and just spray them down. The best were just the random groups of beautiful Thai women trying to coax men inside for massages, meanwhile holding pales of water, sneaking up behind you, and dumping it over your head. One night we found a gay bar and the Thai boys that worked there went to great lengths to get you to buy drinks. They were feminine and friendly, sitting on your lap, flirting, all the while just trying to obviously get you to buy more. As it got darker, the streets became more crowded. My friends seemed less enthusiastic to join in on the fun as they had been here multiple times, but for me I felt like I was back in Yonkers playing Manhunt with my super soaker, hunting down my friends in the neighborhood. My bf and I met a few very hot and very friendly foreigners, some from Britain, Australia, Brazil, all over the world and we all just drank, made friends, and acted like kids.

"I have to use the bathroom," my boyfriend said to me as I was hiding behind a wall about to sneak up on someone and get them wet. By now we were drenched anyway, my t-shirt and shorts sticking to me. All I said to him was, "Ok" and get playing. Soon, I started to worry. He hadn't comeback. My friends didn't know where he was, at least they didn't seem to know where he was. I began to panic. I went into the bathroom, he wasn't there. I looked all over the bar, the street, he was nowhere. I walked a few blocks down to our resort thinking maybe the bathrooms were so gross he went back to our room. He wasn't there. I started to get visions of me having to talk to police, calling his mom, and telling her he's gone. I was buzzed and maybe was over-reacting, but I was legitimately scared. On my way back to the bar, he was walking towards me with a look of concern and frustration. At me? I don't know. I hugged him and began to cry. "Where the hell were you?" I asked him. "I told you I was in the bathroom, " he said. "I was sick, was in a stall."

My friends were acting strange as if they knew something I didn't. I had that awful feeling you get when you know everyone is not telling you something. I let it pass. People were dancing and I joined in and then I turned my head to this Brazilian guy and he was grinning at me. Not a "You're cute" grin, it was as if he had done something behind my back, like he was an enemy of mine and he had one up on me. When we got back to our room, things felt different between us. I knew something had happened. I have very good intuitions when I'm in a relationship with someone. I know when things are wrong. Then it hit me and I didn't want ask him for fear I was wrong, but I didn't think I was. Was that grin saying, "Ha ha, I just hooked up with your bf?" "Did you mess around with that Brazilian guy?" I blurted out. He looked at me with anger and concern, but behind his "How dare you think I would do that" face, was guilt. I apologized for even thinking it, because I wanted it out of my mind. I was in Thailand and despite the despair I started to feel, I didn't want my accusation to ruin our trip whether I was right or not. By the last leg of our trip in Koh Phi Phi, I felt more and more distant from him. I put on a façade of being happy but inside I knew that when we got home something was going to change. He was trying to hard and that's how I knew he had done something with that guy even if he denied it. He even kept singing that Kelly Clarkson song, "I Don't Hook Up," all the time, which the psychology minor in me was a sign right there he felt guilty FOR hooking up.

On our plane ride home, I replayed that guy's grin over and over in my head. maybe he did think I was cute and maybe I was being that overprotective jealous guy I vowed I'd never be. He went to great lengths to prove his innocence. Even telling his parents. "Craig, tell them how you thought I cheated on you while we were there?" I was mortified. But as spring was leaving the weather got warmer things got worse and we began to fight. We were at the beach with his friends and he got hammered and began spouting how I had more experience with men and he didn't. Made me feel like a terrible guy because all I got him was a card for his birthday, even though I had just spent thousands on our trip. Each time, that night or the next morning he would sob and apologize and I would forgive him because I loved him so much. But he stopped telling me he loved me when I would drive him home and I knew it was only time. Then one night after having dinner with friends, gushing over how wonderful my bf was, I invited him over and he declined. He never did before. I did what any paranoid, love sick, crazy bf would do and I went through great lengths to catch him trying to hook up with someone on Manhunt. The same site he messaged me on to say hello. The site he had blocked me from seeing his profile to make me believe he had deleted his.

My world was over. We spoke that night and he broke up with me. I was stupidly trying to fix us, but he no longer seemed to want or need me. A day or two after, we had remained friends on Facebook and I saw his number of friends had increased greatly. All men. All men, including the Brazilian and finally he had come clean about hooking up with him that night. Not just hooking up but actually exchanging information to keep in touch.

Love makes you do crazy things and I learned a lot about myself and the man I wanted to be. I had never been more hurt. I became depressed. Left work early because I couldn't function, stopped eating, cried all the time, and became to him, a crazy ex who he had no use for. Looking back I laugh at how stupid I was. Using every excuse to see him again only to beg my cheating bf to take me back. I went from sad to angry in an instant. One minute wanting him to be mine again and the next plotting devious things to do to him like taking naked pics he had sent me and printing them and placing them where he worked...to contacting his mother and telling her own manipulative her precious son was and letting her know all the shocked things he had done to me. I went CRAZY.

It was on my trip to DC to visit a friend, attempting to recover from this heartbreak that I found out that within two weeks of him breaking up with me, he had a new bf. I sobbed in the street, dumbfounded. What?! I felt useless, unworthy of being loved, and alone. I never had experienced heartbreak before and that is how I knew I really had loved him and yet now I hated him and didn't think it was fair he was happy and I was devastated. I told my ex, who I had still lived with at the time, just how sorry I was for all the terrible things I had done to him, because if he had felt anything like I was feeling at that time, I deserved so much more shame and punishment. To add insult to injury, everywhere I went, even in Yonkers to escape my life in Boston, I ran into people who knew him and thought he was such a wonderful adorable guy. It was comical in a way, like WTF.

All those friends I had made. All the men I thought I was so close to, I began to hear little from anymore. It was to the point that they were just acquaintances to me. Nothing more. I was dying inside. I started seeing a therapist, as I began sleeping with men just to feel something. It didn't matter whether I thought they were attractive, they thought I was attractive and so just to feel wanted I slept with them only to hate the person I was after. It was one of the darkest times in my life and yet now when I put it in prospective, I realized all it was, was giving too much power to another individual. I let another person dictate my happiness. It took while to trust again, but it happened. Years have past and although there has still been more heartbreak I've learned to make wiser decisions and the payoff has been amazing. It was an experience I needed to have to make me learn about trusting others, patience, and above all knowing what it means to be a friend and that I am capable of loving someone completely, but within that love learning to not lose myself in the process.

Dating Disasters: Every Rose Has a Thorn

                                                                Part I

I sat in the middle of the Boston Common with my laptop out staring at a blank page trying to find words that would change his mind. I looked around at the crowds of people enjoying the weather and I hated their smiles. I resented them for being happy and yet desperately hoped a stranger would see how empty inside I was and just let me cry on their shoulder. I desperately needed to find the right words, as if, as he read my letter, something would strike him so powerful he would come back to me, crying and apologizing and I'd forgive him as I had before, because at the time having him falsely love me was better than watching him move on without me....

After my car accident and one last attempt at a relationship with my ex that still didn't work out, I decided it was time I stopped searching for a bf and try to meet some gay men in Boston to be friends with, rather than hookup with or date. I had received a very large settlement that changed my life. I was able to pay off debt, live comfortably, and buy a car. I felt like I was able to actually have a real life and not be confined to my home which with my current salary I could hardly afford. Up until that point, I had no gay friends and I felt alone. Everyone I knew had busy schedules and families and lived far away and I was envious seeing crowds of gay men together enjoying "the scene" and envious that I felt like I was still an outsider in a community I belonged to and fought so hard to get to. It wasn't long before I met some wonderful guys who I became close to and I had finally realized how stupid I was for letting my fascination with having a bf dictate my happiness. Time went by where I was the happiest. Going out drinking, taking trips, gossiping, finally feeling free and for the most part complete. Then it happened. I had received a message on manhunt, a site I had stopped using but never closed completely for those late night urges... There he was, this beautiful young guy with charm and intelligence from what I could gather by is non-sexual, unforceful yet direct message to me that I was unfamiliar to receiving. We chatted for a bit and despite my better judgment I decided to go on a date with him. He, like an unpredicted storm, moved in fast and furious and clouded all of my clarity and I thought, it's just a date.

He was late. I stood outside in the cold, waiting for him to arrive. Fall was leaving us and the unwelcoming chill of winter had made its approach. Typically, I'd say screw this and leave, but he finally showed and had valid excuses and looked even more beautiful in person with an "I'm sorry" face that could make you believe somehow whatever it was that he did wrong could be forgiven. That night, he invited me back to his place and we laid on his bed and talked and fooled around and I thought to myself, "slow down...he's younger, probably doesn't want what you want, and you know he's going to break you." I swept those thoughts under the rug because there was no chance my mind and my gut were going to catch up to the way my heart felt for him just from that first night. We decided I should go, because although we both wanted each other, we knew if I spent the night, it may just end up being a one night stand. It was a first for me.

We were walking through Boston Common when the first snow fall began. It was heavy and we were freezing yet we were on a Santa bar crawl I had agreed to participate in with him and his friends and so the heat between us and the alcohol made me stop us dead in our tracks. That is where I asked him to be mine and from that point on I felt like there was nothing that could tear the complete and utter happiness I was feeling inside of me. "He's a keeper, do not fuck this up," one of my friends said to me the night I decided he should meet them. "There is no way I'm letting him go," I thought to myself. I knew at that point that this was what true love feels like. All those clichés, all those sappy love stories we all love to watch, every all consuming, vomit worthy, "walking on air" moment I was feeling it for him. I would do anything for him. I feared meeting his family, his friends, anyone or thing that might have influence over him to make him decide I wasn't the right one for him. His friends and I, thankfully got along and I had one of the best New Years ever with them and him. By Christmas, he met my family and It wasn't long after I met his family and became so envious of his family life. The good relationship he had with his sister, whom despite her friendliness made me feel inadequate financially. His well off parents, who also were very nice, but yet I always felt I was under a microscope. His mother especially made me feel as though I wasn't good enough for her son, yet still offered me kindness and I could tell she knew I was trying. My brother and I did not get along, my parents were separated and both broke, and I was envious of his family to be able to support him. But despite all of that, I was his and I would earn their trust, because I needed to. To them, their cherished son and to me his starry-eyed boyfriend, he was perfect.

He began to call me his husband, it was a joke of course, but he made me believe that he was so in love with me that I was the man he wanted to spend the rest of his life with. I, of course, DID want to spend the rest of my life with him. I spent every waking moment trying to find ways to make him happy, because one thing he made me learn about real love is, you know you truly love someone when you put their happiness above yours. He made me learn a lot about real love and I am thankful for that. One night he said to me as he began to choke up, "You have done things no one has ever done for me" and I could have died happy in that moment. In my mind, I thought "No, I wish I could do more." But he seemed satisfied with "us" and I was elated that he chose me.

One day I received a message from two of my friends telling me they were taking a trip to Thailand and they wanted me to come and to invite my bf as well. Before my accident, I couldn't go to a cheap B&B let alone to another part of the world, but I had the money too and although that settlement was quickly shrinking I wasn't about to let an opportunity like this pass me by and there was no way I was going to leave without having him by my side. He agreed.

Little did I know that was when the storm began to move in and my world was about to be destroyed....

Dating Disasters: Crash, Bam, Boom!

I almost died September 3, 2007. A crash that shut down route 9 in Newton, MA and caused me to be out of work for a month.

I had just broken up with my ex right after we had just purchased a condo together. Actually we had broken up right before we signed the papers and it made for a very awkward closing. I was emotionally drained, broke, and everything all in all looked pretty bleak. My brother was gracious enough to move in with me and help keep me from going under financially and once I felt like I had gotten my bearings I thought I might as well start dating again. You see, up until recently I was perpetually dating just to fill a void. I don't know if it was loneliness, boredom, or sport…maybe a combo of all three. I never gave myself pause. I don't give myself time to heal and give myself time to think about what I actually want rather than what I feel I need from what others have. Instead, I just rush into the dating pool without testing the waters. No matter how deep or how cold that pool may be I just dive right in. I'm a serial dater or rather I was a serial dater.  I'll admit it. There is however something to say about a boy who leads an optimistic view on dating and falling in love. With all the crap that is out there at least I continuously allowed myself to fall in love and it's paid off.

Prior to my frequent visits with Grindr and then Scruff, I was meeting men on match.com and manhunt. Whether it be for sex, short term dating, love, whatever I was on every site you could name. Well not every…just well a lot. All these sites advertise a specific focus, but whether you are looking on Match for love or Manhunt for sex there are relatively all the same men on these sites. I did meet some interesting people. Some I remain friends with, some who I had really great conversations with, Some who lied about themselves whether it be their age, relationship status, or job status. One who made me think I may end up at the bottom of the Charles River and who tried to prevent me from leaving his house, OH! and my "straight" married next door neighbor who recognized me on Manhunt and who wanted to come over, drink beer, and mess around "discreetly." Nevertheless, one night I began chatting with this guy who I was moderately attracted too and who seemed fairly normal. I look for signs all over the place. Something that could give me hope I'm on the right track. When he told me his birthday was January 22 and he was born in the year 1982, I was speechless. For those who don't know me well that is the day, month, and year I was born as well. So I thought, why not go on a date with a man who was born the exact day as me. I think if it wasn't for this fact I probably wouldn't have gone out with him, but thought that maybe when I met him there would be a spark having something to do with our birthdays. *I'm rolling my eyes as I type this* Signs…what a crock.

It was too be a very chill date. A mall date. Walk around, chat, have lunch, etc. He picked me up at my condo. I didn't invite him upstairs because my condo still looked like an old woman had vacated there. Pink wall paper and blue carpeting. ICK! I also didn't invite him upstairs because then he probably would think I wanted to mess around before we even got to know each other and it isn't because I HAVEN'T done that before…it's because well I just didn't find him that attractive and didn't want him to think I liked him that much. There was no spark. I've never been one to cut a date short, but I may have if I had taken my own car. I'm the type that will sit through a grueling dinner pretending to be interested just to be kind meanwhile I am thinking "I don't care…I can't believe I have to pay for this fucking dinner…stop talking.. shut up shut up….what do I have on DVR to watch…I hope he offers to pay, I'm not dropping a shit load of money for this...stop talking" I'm sure some guys I have gone on dates with have felt that way about be…I'm being cruel. I'll stop. Just being truthful is all.

We drove in his Volkswagen Jetta to the Chestnut Hill Mall and made small talk the whole way. I had never been before and I love checking out new malls. I love malls. Too bad I never made it in…

I woke up in a hospital bed at Beth Israel. Nothing made much sense. I wasn't startled just exhausted and annoyed because all I could hear was the sound of another patient, an old man, in my room yelling at the nurse because he was too cold. Then he began bitching because he wanted sugar and clearly couldn't have any for whatever reason. I turned and rolled my eyes at the nurse and made a look like, "I'm sorry you have to deal with this type of shit, but I'll be less needy, and well it is a bit drafty in here"… Then I remember having to pee and painfully getting up to use the bathroom, trying to close my gown from behind so as to not show whomever was in my room my bare ass….. Then I remember being visited by my friend Erica and my parents sitting next to me… Then I vaguely remember being let out of the hospital and crawling into my ex's bed with my dogs beside me...I remember taking a trip to the grocery store to get Italian ices because that's all I wanted to eat… then as I began weaning off my drugs I thought HOLY SHIT! I was on a date! Is he dead! I should be at work! I have a mortgage! OMG my face is REALLY messed up and I look emaciated! OMG no one will ever want to date me now! Why am I with my Ex?! I'm in a lot of fucking pain!!!! What happened!

A woman lost control of her car, gone airborne, and completely ripped through my date's vehicle. I mean seriously turned it into a convertible. I had suffered from tons of lacerations to the face, I had a bleed in my brain, a broken nose, and a fractured lumbar spine. When my brother showed up at the hospital, I was on a gurney with a cloth over my face and he started freaking out thinking I was dead. It all sounds bad but I was lucky. Very lucky. I should have been decapitated. I seriously have no idea how her vehicle didn't just tear my head straight off, but it didn't and I miraculously survived with no remembrance of the accident and vague memories of my time in the hospital. All I have are eyewitness accounts of what happened, pictures a journalist had taken, and a bunch of scars that remain.

Once I began remembering things, I reached out to my date who had many injuries as well but was also very lucky. He wanted to try and go out again and I said no thanks. He was pissed at me and started going off on me. Guess I sort of dodged a bullet there, you know despite my near death experience. but seriously after actually HAVING a near death experience with someone on a first date and the fact that we were born on the same day and could have possibly died on the same day…I really think seeing him again would have not been wise. Just saying. Not long after, my ex and I got back together, he moved into the condo and my brother moved out, I collected a large settlement, and things were good for awhile between him and I. Apparently I was asking my parents to get in touch with him a lot while in the hospital and being the nice guy he is, he took it upon himself to take care of me. I remember one night I tried to mess around with him and he said no, that he was only taking care of me because he loved me, but wanted nothing more. I was really taken back by that but I deserved it. I was a terrible bf to him. Once I was healed, I was determined to get him back and eventually it happened but so it goes…if it doesn't work the first time it most likely won't work out a second time but worth a try nonetheless. We remained living together for years as just friends which was hard at first but worked out fine.

I was on A LOT of heavy pain meds and made no sense half the time when I was speaking to people. I don't remember having any visitors or talking on the phone to those who called to check on me. It warmed my heart seeing all the get well cards and just knowing so many people were concerned. I guess I made a call to my boss and told him I was in an accident but it was no big deal and I would be returning to work in several days. In reality, I ended up being out of work for about a month. I also apparently told my parents a lot about my sexual past including the fact that not soon after my ex and I broke up I had sex with a man who failed to tell me he was HIV positive and I was apparently afraid I had it too and didn't want them taking my blood in the hospital. Not that I wouldn't date someone who was HIV positive, but we hadn't been safe and I failed to ask his status and he failed to tell me. My dad began to regularly call me from NY and would always somehow find a way to bring up, in conversation, safe sex, which was highly embarrassing but very sweet and thoughtful of him.

Much of how I act today, including my maturity, my decisions, my direction have a lot to do with people I have dated, been in love with, and the disasters that have come from many many dates I have been on. I plan on writing about them from time to time.

The "F" Word

I had this wish to move away (again) to a new city. Chicago, San Francisco, wherever...I thought, "How great would it be to go to a new city and start over." A clean blank slate where no one can assume things about you from what they hear from others, make more friends, create completely new routines for myself. The problem with all of this is we seem to be destined to repeat bad habits and if that was the case then I would be worse off because my friends would be far away and I would feel lonelier than I did years ago. What I've learned is too make the most of what I have been given right in front of me. I mean at this time in my life things are good, but for years they weren't. I've battled lots of demons from internal ones to others whom I cared about. If there is one thing I will teach my children some day is that people will always come in to your life who we think we can trust but sometimes they fail to meet our expectations and can sometimes leave us with nothing but sadness BUT it makes us stronger and with every hardship that comes into our lives we have the capacity to fight through it and come out the other side. I'm sorry if I sound like a preacher but these are words to live by.

There are two sides to everyone and I'm no different. I have been hurt a lot by many people, largely because I can be naïve at times and trust too easily. I have hurt people too though and I'm sorry for any pain I may have caused them. It's important to look back on our lives and try to begin to fix the cracks in our soul. Things we need to change and in order to do that it's important to forgive even if someone says they are sorry but you know deep down there sorrys are shit. I've done terrible things to good people in my life and sure I can say it's because I was young, drunk, whatever but deep down it's just because I was selfish and didn't care. Just own it. I wish more people could do that. Just own up to your faults and if you REALLY do want to be different then try harder and don't be a coward to take responsibility for your actions. Most importantly forgive yourself. We may be perfect in the eyes of those who love us, but we are human and make mistakes, no one's protected from that.

 One of the things that we do as humans that makes me so angry is to make assumptions about people just because of things we may have heard about them from others. Rather than making our own opinions based off of interactions we have had with them we are so quick to judge. There have been times when I have lost friends all because someone told them things about me that were false or blown way out of proportion. I made peace with the situation by figuring they weren't good friends to begin with.

The darkest time of my life was a break-up I had with the first person I really truly loved. It seriously left me in ruin. I was cheated, manipulated, and left feeling empty. I spent days not eating, crying just about everywhere, even making poor decisions to try and win them back somehow. Doing things so beneath me and so despairing all because I felt it was better to be with someone who didn't love me than being without them. I even went to therapy for it because I had lost not just them but friends as well and I needed someone to talk to. This person asked for forgiveness 3 years later, but despite my acceptance I didn't believe it. Like I said no matter how low we feel we have the ability to heal though. Forgive to help yourself not to help them. You would think that this experience would wake me up and I'd make better choices but I didn't because old habits die hard and I kept falling back into the same routine. It takes more than an experience to change you. You have to want it. It's like when you wake up with a bad hangover and say your never going to drink again but yet you do. Even if that drunkenness caused you to do something even dumber you'll probably do it again until you finally decide for yourself it just isn't worth it. That's when your soul gives you the push you need to make changes in yourself.

Someone recently told me they loved reading my blogs but thought they were always so serious. I thanked him and told him that I could write tons of funny stupid shit in my blog, but I could facebook status that as well. I'd much rather be deep or just write about experiences in my life that have caused me to reflect because those are the important things that matter in my world. I can't grow if I don't reflect and by reflecting I can weigh my choices, good and bad on a scale and if the good outweighs the bad I can forgive myself for the times I was a piece of shit and hope that every day I make better choices.

From the Ground Up

I've finally given myself permission to be happy. It's a refreshing feeling. I went for a run the other day. I never run. I hate it actually. My gym was closing early so I thought what am I going to do to feel like I've done something. I ran. Not far, but far enough. Anyway, I was running and I just started thinking about things that have been happening in my world lately. Good things and I just began to smile and that smile turned into laughter. Onlookers would have assumed I was nuts, but how wonderful it felt to just laugh. Just because. I had given myself permission to be happy. It's a liberating feeling and you know I don't think many people take advantage of this gift that has been given to us. Truly being happy. I'm not there yet but I am on the right path, I think.

We create our own happiness. It's taken me awhile to realize this. I mean I've had my share of fun and I've paved the road that is my life and within that road I caused a lot of tears and I was a selfish asshole many times. I take full responsibility for any pain I have caused anyone. It's a hard pill to swallow really, acknowledging that you were the cause of someone's pain at some point or another. Some people, those who  have narcissistic tendencies blame the world for their troubles. Nothing is their fault. I strongly believe that we have the choice to reclaim our happiness.

I haven't accomplished much in life. I'm a quitter. I cringe when I say that. Actually I should say I used to be a quitter. When something becomes to hard I quit. More importantly when I feel I am not good enough at something I quit. There's a difference. I quit student teaching, I quit relationships, I quit applying for potential job opportunities, I quit silly competitions all because I am afraid of failing. Little by little I'm learning my potential and it is greater than I give myself credit for and even if I fail, guess what? I'll be ok. Ah...that feels good to know. And it's as if a veil has been lifted and I'm seeing things clearer. I am not just realizing what matters most but I'm realizing that I can accept those things and go with it. I used to destroy things in my life that were good...I protected things that were bad. Why do we do that? I think it's because we don't give ourselves permission to just be who we are and be happy. I don't mean the everyday mundane satisfaction of our lives, but to truly be happy. Also, to stop doing what you expect others want from you. I have seen less of many of my friends because a lot of our relationships consisted of going to nightclubs and drinking and well I just don't care to do those things any more. There was a time when I used to be upset if I wasn't invited out now I'd rather stay home with wine and DVR. Things in my life are becoming so much simpler. Josh has helped out a lot with that. Before he met me he led a very simple life. He worked, he gardened, he worked out. That was pretty much it. Not that he still doesn't do those things, but now that he is dating a city boy I've opened him up to a lot of things, but how good does it feel to visit him in his country home and just do nothing but sit by a fire and enjoy the peace and quiet. It's glorious. He says to me that I am wonderful. That I am his idea of perfect. That's scarier than anything, I think. I hope I can live up to his idea of me but then again it's easy when you're with someone with a heart as beautiful as his. I don't know when the switch happened, but everything I once thought I wanted I don't want anymore. I just want to someday be a good husband and father. A good friend. And above all...good to myself. Deserving.

I've begun challenging every bit of myself and it's fucking scary. Joining crossfit and realizing that there is a bit of an athlete inside of me. I'm doing things I never thought I could do out of fear. All those things you're afraid to do in HS, I'm doing them and then some. Allowing myself to be consumed by love again. SCARY. Realizing that I control my choices and from the ground up I'm building a new world for myself that's simple, uncomplicated, and easy. I'm excelling in my job and I don't feel "stuck" anymore. I used to dwell so much in the past. Relishing in failed relationships and in my other own failures. Consumed by wrong choices I have made. Constructing a false reality for myself because I wasn't aware of my own potential. I feel like a seed beginning to sprout its roots. Holding on to the ground, yet growing unafraid of the perils that could be ahead. I think if we all put our lives under a microscope we'd see alot of crap there that we wouldn't want to see and we'd be too afraid to fix. Fear just fucks everything up. It comes in so many ugly forms and prevents us, well me at least, from going that extra mile so to speak.

I'm tired of being afraid.

How to Survive Facebook

Facebook. I remember a time when in order to find out what was going on in someone's life you had to hangout or call them. This was also the time when people on average had friends in single or double digits. I mean friends not people whose status you might "like" just to keep that small piece of thread you have attached to one another held together or the status you might "like" just to hope that they see that you liked his or her status and they contact you cause maybe it's someone you have been crushing on for quite sometime. Nowadays we are "friends" with people we may never actually meet or ever hangout with. Some people will add just about everyone just to see that number grow and grow. I mean seriously, does this fill some kind of void in your life? Does having 1500 or 2000 "friends" make you feel complete? We all know people who do this and we all know most of the time we confirm them. I don't know if you're like me, but if someone friends me and doesn't follow through with a "Hi thanks for the add...we know so and so...we met at a party...we had sex last night"...blah blah blah most likely I'll delete you if there is never any form of contact, unless of course you're really cute then sure why not. So if you're one of those people I suggest you find other means of communicating with people. Some people on rare occasion may think that you having thousands of friends is pretty cool, but many are probably talking behind your back and think you're either really full of yourself or are really lonely. Maybe you're just one of those lucky people who is just so popular you are still friends with people in high school, college, have a really large family, and work at a large company where you're so well liked your co-workers all want to be your friend too. Secretly they are just checking on how many hours your clocked in on facebook rather than doing work and are complaining about you at lunch about how you do nothing but hangout on facebook. If this is the case, before you lose your job and then are doing real internet stuff like job searching try and check facebook twice. Once in the morning and once at night. I don't think you'll have missed much.

Facebook. If you ever enjoyed being friends with someone and then focused on their status updates, pictures, etc. sometimes you're left with this sad feeling of regret for ever friending them in the first place. Facebook has a way of bringing out the worst in people, very rarely the best. I've known people that I may have once dated or just was friends with and then after seeing their facebook statuses I think "damn are they that full of themselves?" "Do they really hate the world that much?" "Do they have self esteem issues?" "Do they have any idea that their rant may sound really smart in his or her head, but makes them look foolish and crazy?" If you think you are one of these people, before you post that pic or status, think about it a little more. Think..."am I doing this just to get attention?" You know you've sometimes posted a status just to see how many likes you're going to get. We are all guilty of it. I post pictures of food I cook sometimes. Does anyone really give a shit that I made risotto in a pumpkin or baked a cake for someone. NO. Does anyone want to see your vacation pictures in the Caribbean while they are at work and it's 20 degrees out? Doubt it. But it feels good to get recognition for things. I mean come on who doesn't like it when their birthday arrives and you are constantly checking to see how many happy birthday messages you received. NOW remember those 2,000 people you are friends with...how many said happy birthday? hmmm. If you are one of THESE people, my suggestion is take it for what it is...people said happy birthday to you that's great. Concentrate on going out with the people that actually matter and enjoy yourself. Don't let a program dictate how you feel from day to day.

Facebook. Very bad for relationships. If you're one of those people who is constantly checking your girlfriend or boyfriend's facebook page and are constantly noticing how many new friends they add you may be driving yourself crazy or maybe you're on to something. Either way paranoia will settle in and can severely damage a relationship. I once dated a guy who after we broke up friended at least 30 men and one of those men happened to be a man I suspected he cheated on me with from another country. Sometimes facebook can reveal the truth about people. My advice is if you decide you want to remain friends with someone you were in a relationship with and you know you will constantly be obsessing over who they friend, waiting for the dreaded "in a relationship" status update, checking every new photo they post, then maybe you should see a therapist and hide them so you can't see their posts anymore that way you can have the comfort of knowing you are still "friends" but don't have to worry about every time you sign on seeing something that may ruin your day. Maybe you're at the beginning stages of seeing someone and one day you get an alert on your phone saying that person has friended you. OH SHIT! You frantically sign on and check everything on your page before friending them. If you do this then maybe you need to reevaluate some of your actions or STOP! If you have to go and edit your facebook page for fear they may see something you don't want them to see then you're not being yourself and that's shitty. It's the same as first impressions within first dates. Stop trying to act like someone you are not. I'm a klutz and I one time spilt a beer on my date. I was horrified, but after we stopped seeing each other and his true colors came out I should have smashed him with the bottle. The point is be yourself on a first date...I am. If I am on a date with someone I just be my klutzy, dorky, This is who I am...take it or leave it self...it's the same with facebook. I once hid a blog just because I was afraid it would make me look crazy. Then I thought so what! If I look crazy and they don't like it then I know they weren't meant to be with me. Also, if you do add this person and then you obsess over how many people they friended at once whom all happen to be of the sex you know they date then maybe the guy or girl you like is a big HO and you are just one of many. Truthfully, watch out for this. Most, not all, of the time you really just are one guy or girl out of many.

Facebook. It's a playground for Obsession. Anger. Depression. Envy. Unemployment. Facebook really isn't the place to go and rant about how much you hate your boss or a co-worker. Sometimes you may forget your friends with one of them. Ooops. Sometimes you may start talking shit about someone and then realize uhoh they were on that thread. It's like texting. Have you ever texted the wrong person before? I once hooked up with this guy, he was so beautiful, except his err male parts were pretty tiny. On my way home I do what many people do (at least I think they do and text there bestfriend about it) may be I just do that and I have an issue...anyways the conversation went like this:

Craig: OMG I just hooked up with the hottest guy *sends pic*
Matt: Wow he is hot
Craig: Right! His dick was really small though
Hookup guy: LMAO Ummm I don't think that was meant for me.

The HORROR. Anyways think before you do anything on facebook. I mean right now I could sound like a total hypocrite by writing this crazy blog entry but it's meant to be funny haha...no there is some truth in all of this. Facebook can be really cool if used with caution. Don't rant. Don't obsessively post pictures of yourself. Don't stay friends with exes if you know you're going to drive yourself crazy. If you want to show the world how happy you are with your friends, loved ones, boyfriend or girlfriend...that's awesome, but sometimes it can be hard for others to be really happy for you when you have something they want. It turns into a nananana :-p look what I have thing. But what do we do we "like it" because that's what we are supposed to do.

Happy Facebooking