I walked into highschool thinking about what crazy rumors could have been spread about my absence and wasn't surprised to find out someone had said I had tried slitting my wrists in the men's room. My initial thought was, "I should have wrapped bandages around my wrists and went with it." Not because I had a morbid sense of humor but I thought maybe it would make people feel sorry for me. I was desperate for people to stop riding my back.
I recieved a note second period that said I needed to go to our priest's office. He was a nice older man in a wheelchair and he didn't make me feel intimidated or nervous at all. I was used to priests in my elementary school being very strict and quite scary though of course I was younger and fearful of any type of authority figure. As a child who attended a Catholic School we were required to go to confession as a class, I think every term or something. I don't remember. I do remember being terrified of forgetting the Act of Contrition or simply stating to the priest that I didn't have any sins to report. I always went behind a screen and mostly I'd make up things like, "I cursed at my mom" or "I talked back to my teacher" There was however that one time I stole money from my mom so I could buy her a bouquet of flowers for Mother's Day....that cost me at least 4 Hail Mary's and a few Our Father's.
He took me into a very small office. I don't think it could have been defined as an office. It felt more like an interrogation room, except maybe it just felt that way because I was terrfied. I don't remember what we spoke about except for him asking me if I thought I was gay. I stuttered for a moment and replied, "No I am not." I was sweating underneath my clothes and my face felt beet red and I thought, "Can he tell I am lying?" What he said to me was, "Wow, usually boys run out the door when I ask that question." I didn't know what he meant by that. Did they usually bring guys into a room and ask them if they are homosexuals? If so, what if they said yes? Could they throw me out of school for being gay? I always wondered what would have happened if I had just come out to my school. Would have I made it to College? Would have I survived all the torment I recieved?"
I had mentioned my locker had been vandalized before, but it wasn't spray paint or marker. I can't exactly describe what it was, except it was like sticky goo. It smelled like starbusts and had a yellow tinge to it and seeped throught the holes in my locker and made my books sticky and ruined my locker. It honestly looked like someone had eaten a bag of candy, vomited it up, and spread it on my locker. I am not kidding....is that worse than pee? Growing up in an apartment building, we had a lot of kids my age in the neighborhood who lived in my building. Two of them took it upon themselves to piss all over our door or spread chewing gum all over it. No doubt it was because I lived there.
Before my family and I moved into a private home, we lived in an apartment that had a public pool in the back. It was shared by our building and another. For the most part I remember having a lot of fun with my friends there. One year we had a very friendly lifeguard who we befriended and who I had a huuuuuge crush on. I remember all of us hanging out at the pool, eating our sunflower seeds and ice cream from the ice cream truck, listening to "Waterfalls" by TLC. Besides that I wasn't friendly with many of the boys in my apartment building. One "jokingly" held me under in the pool and another tried to light my shirt on fire as I was walking to the grocery store to pick up a few things for my mom. I wish I was making this up.
There was one time my brother and I were taking a drive back to NY to visit our mom for the holidays and I opened up to him and told him all the crap that had gone when we were younger. He was pissed that I hadn't told him, saying that he would have had him and his buddies beat up some guys. It was a nice thought but not one I ever thought about doing since I didn't want him to know what they were bullying me about. It's a scary thing when you have no one to talk to and you feel as though your only ally and your only defense is yourself. There was an incident, I remember like it was yesterday...I think we may have been in 6 or 7th grade...we were lining up in a line to leave the classroom to head home when some guy in my class, I think his name was Rob. He had a freckly face and red hair, reminded me a lot of the guy from A Christmas Story who Ralphie beat up...anyways he began making fun of me and calling me Mary which was the name a few guys made up for me. Out of nowhere this guy Michael, a bigger guy in my class, just started pounding on him. I don't know why he did it. We never spoke much and it's a shame that I never got to thank him. I found out in College that he was killed in a drunk driving accident. He wasn't drunk nor was he driving. It stung.
It was people like him that gave me hope that there were some good still in the world, even in my little world that it was. I was fearful everyday. I walked home with my earphones on to drown out taunting, I took long ways home to avoid running into anyone, and I walked very fast to get home as fast as I could. When people ask me why I walk so fast I just say it's from being a New Yorker, but it's because it became a habit. I feel as though I am made of steel emotionally. I held a huge burden on my shoulders for so long and didn't start allowing myself to be who I was until college thanks to so many incredible people. My hopes are that this story can be shared to boys and girls who are bullied for any reason and know that just like Dan Savage says, it gets better. I'm living proof of that.