The After

In 2014, I got on one knee on the warm sands of Aruba and gave the man I loved a ring and my heart. I was sure after giving my heart to the wrong men time and time again that on this day, if he said yes, there would never be another. The bitter truth, if I am completely honest with myself, is that because I wasn't able to love and accept myself at the time, I should have never been careless with his heart and with my own because back then my heart was nothing more than soft clay not yet formed to the solid structure it should have been. A structure that could support both of us. 

I don't regret the past 10 years, I've loved as best as I could and I've tried to honor our vows to the best of my ability and we've made a pretty nice home and friends I cherish til the end of time. But through those years our root systems within us have expanded in separate ways and when they interact they choke one another rather than feed each other the nutrients each needs to flourish and grow. 

I've just begun to scratch the surface of loving myself at 41 but what I've found is that often times I think our self love needs a little nudge or boost from those that love us. I surround myself with people I trust and who I truly believe see value in me. Yes, in order to love others we must love ourselves, an affirmation said weekly by the one and only RuPaul. But how do you begin that process? For me, the first step was to be honest with myself in what I want out of life and to not feel ashamed of it. 

But there was a cost. The hardest part of that self realization is knowing when you share the darkest parts of yourself OR what you believe is a dark part of yourself, you may lose the ones you love. My life has been a constant bending to other people's needs, melting into their world and convincing myself that their world, their way of life was what I wanted to. One relationship after the next always finding comfort in being taken care of by others and never realizing that I would become so comfortable I wouldn't give myself the opportunity to lean into some discomfort to which could allow me to support myself. Looking back I'm not entirely shocked I couldn't make a relationship work when all I kept doing was running the wrong way. My heart is heavy. Shame, guilt, sadness, excitement for the unknown, happiness, fear... a plethora of emotions daily. Hour by hour. There are times I put on my favorite songs, I close my eyes and I dance. I dance like no one is watching and I feel like I can fly. That's the freedom I want in my life, always and what I'm feeling after having to say goodbye.

So on that beach when I was on my knee, all I wanted was one man to love til the day I perish from this world. One man to keep safe and to support until the end of our days. And who will love and support me in return. This hasn't changed. I still want those things. What has changed is what the makeup of that marriage looks like. What I have learned is that I'm not quite sure the traditional marriage is for me. I've learned that I'm too much of a free spirit and this has me riddled with guilt because in these actualizations I have hurt someone very special and to whom I have to let go. But I'm filled with constant conflicting thoughts and that maybe just maybe we were so different that we just weren't right for each other and in another I will want monogamy. I just don't know and for now it really doesn't matter. 

I've found a new respect for myself. I am actually for the first time loving and accepting myself for who I am and I'm eager to share this new me to the world. I'm more assertive with what I want and fearless than I have ever been but with that new found love I'm ashamed it has taken me so long to get here and a part of me is ashamed for feeling even just a little bit excited and happy knowing I'm causing another so much pain. But I would be lying if the after didn't scare the fuck out of me. Uprooting my life, starting again, giving my heart to another when that time comes and this time showing ALL of me to that person scares me more than death. 

                                                                   The After

So I had this dream, 
I was on that beach again but when I was on one knee looking up at you, 
I was kneeling in quick sand and I was sinking deeper and deeper,
All the while your eyes stared down at me and they said the most hurtful things, 
And all I could think was...this is what I get for trusting ghosts.

And I have to believe when this pain subsides,
We will both be one with the tide,
And we will breath sweet new air into our lungs
And we will find peace in the after.

We did our best and I know I wasn't easy to love,

God knows we tried to be one,
But the damage is beyond repair,

And I will always have you in my heart,
I will always hold your family dear,
But I'm awake and the quick sand is ready to take me in this bed I've made.

And I have to believe when our tears have dried,

In the dawn, peace we'll find

And we will breath sweet new air into our lungs,

And love will find us again in the after.

40

To starting a new decade,
wondering what is around the corner,
good or bad. 
Forks in the road, how do I choose?

With self-doubt mixed with unconcern,
A faulty self-image mixed with unrelenting confidence,

Another crack as I bend, pop as I turn,

An unrecognized pain

I relish in the quiet,

overcome with memories,

good and bad.

Will I allow myself to forget the bad?

With another friend lost,

confused as to why, but answers not found.

Determined to break the patterns,

courage to break from cages, I have made.

Brave enough not to blame myself,

for everything.

Enjoying the calm.

Am I afraid of letting in the noise?

With more trials to overcome,

the feeling of knowing myself mixed with the fear,

of wondering if my truth is a lie.

A bitter reckoning.

A metamorphosis that permits looking inward,

with a brave mind.

Breathing deeply, 

letting out more than I let in.

Can I truly let go?

With another supplement containing humility,

swallowed down with pride.

Reminding myself that it's ok to reinvent.

A gift.

Oh how the little things matter more than ever.

Falling in love with repetition, yet hating static.

Maybe everything I wanted a decade ago hasn't come to pass,

is it ever too late?

With keeping memories that matter fresh,

unbothered by forgetting the reason I walked into that room,

a minute ago.

Enjoy the ride.

And although I may still compare myself to others,

though I may deny it,

recognize the handsome uniqueness.

Has it truly been 40 years?

With taking it all in,

but not dwelling, so that my light doesn't dim.

Not staying still for too long,

yet staying grounded.

And recognize I matter, 

That I'm not just made of matter, but alive and well.

Change is not my nemesis,

can I begin again?

To start a new path at 40. 

Lessons

I titled this blog the diary of a boy next door because I've always considered myself a "boy next door" type. The dictionary's definition of a boy next door is
    
  a person or type of person perceived as familiar, approachable, and dependable, typically in the context of a romantic partnership.

I’m not witty, not particularly talented, I don't think I'm the type that could stand out in a crowd either but I’ve always tried to maintain a few qualities that I feel are most important, approachable and dependable being among them. Not just in my marriage but to anyone who is close to me, dependability is up there in qualities I seek in others and a quality I thrive to carry forth to people I care about. I've often mentioned in my blogs how important to me friendships are. Sometimes I fear I don't concentrate on my marriage as much as I should because I'm more concerned about being there for everyone else. I think a part of that has to do with needing approval from others. In my mind if I have approval from others, than I matter. So therefore, I fear I don’t know myself at all. What's harder is at the age of 18, I thought I knew myself, at 25 same thing, etc. I'm indecisive often times and I act too quickly, This often leads to disastrous results.

Joshua and I got into an argument the other night. It was one of those, I need to take a long drive to think, I may sleep elsewhere type of arguments. The "on the surface" cause for the argument is far less important than what lied beneath. The real reason why we argued and the lessons I've/we've learned are far more significant. I am constantly growing psychologically. Things I want out of life and my interests are always changing. Joshua thinks I'm never satisfied and that I'm always looking for something better. I tend to disagree with this because there are indeed plenty of things I do not want to change, first and foremost my marriage. Despite our rough patches, which all relationships have, our love runs deep. My friends are another. If you're a good friend to me you're my friend for life, in fact you instantly become my family. What I don't like and never will is the mundane everyday type of life many of us are forced to live each day. I often feel I'm wasting away my life doing the same thing day in and day out. I once thought my greatest fear was death but greater than that is dying without having lived. 

After many tears and some time apart which wasn't long but felt like centuries, we got back to our good place and what I learned about myself was this:
 

1. I compare myself to others too much. Probably why I don’t know myself at all. I’m insecure. Often times I feel being dependable isn’t good enough and that I’m lacking something that sets me a part from others and therefore I fade into the crowd. I don’t have a solution to fix this other than until I stop being afraid of loss I’ll never be satisfied with what is presently right in front of me.

2. I learned I often make issues about me. Again, it’s because I’m insecure. Joshua says I should consider seeing a therapist. Maybe it will help me understand why it is I’m so insecure in the first place. I’m so afraid of not being “a part” of something that I sometimes try to attach myself to every situation just to feel recognized. So why do I feel like I have to be a part of everything? Simply, I don’t want to feel abandoned. I want to be a part of everything so that I don’t need to fear being a part of nothing.

3. I learned I don't trust myself. It is very hard for me to do because I’m always so critical of myself. Wouldn't it be nice to be able to take the advice we so often give to others. I am a self-deprecating person. I don't believe this to be a bad thing. Knowing my faults and laughing about them is healthy but it often leads to an unhealthy place that is hurtful. My confidence level can drop with just a snap of a finger and that obstructs me from taking risks and trusting in myself enough to know that I can pick myself up from whatever negativity is put in my path.

I can't stress enough how important it is too be honest. In my mind, the more honest I am with myself the less I'll have to hold on to in case I fall. I'm afraid the ground below me will give way and I'll just keep falling further and further until I have nothing. One night in bed with tears in my eyes, I told Joshua that each year we are together I'm learning more about myself as an individual while we learn from each other as a couple and my fear is that at some point we may grow apart instead of growing together. Prior to this night we were having some issues because of my fear of being honest. That fear led to resentment and ultimately was hurting us. We talked and to my surprise I didn't realize just how well he really knew me. It was comforting and scary, knowing someone  knew me possibly better than I knew myself. 

Throughout my marriage there are moments where I take a step back and I think, "There, that's it. That's why I asked this man to marry me." That night in bed was one of those moments. Joshua is quite possibly the most observant person I know and he accepts me for my true self, faults and all. He may not like every decision I make and I'm sure I keep him on his toes, but at the end of the day I'm learning that I can trust in the fact that when there is something I'm mentally struggling with, I can go to him and we can work it out and as I learn to navigate my own psyche and discover who I am, I am glad I married my own boy next door. 

Part of a Whole

I've been losing a lot of sleep lately and have been bearing a heavy heart. I think it's due to all of this quiet and fresh air now that I have traded in my city life for a home in the country. There is plenty of time to reflect on choices I have made in my life when my weekends consist of puttering around the house, gardening and googling home decorating tips. I just realized I used the word puttering, sigh.

I began this blog to give my thoughts and emotions an outlet and maybe, if fortunate enough, learn more about myself so that I could rid myself of all of these parasitic demons that eat away at my soul. Regrettably, I fear, they have just multiplied into more demons. I am not sure why I stopped writing, at the very least, for a moment, writing my thoughts down gives me some fulfillment.

Each year, as my hair grows thinner and I shy away from things that I fear, I hate myself for not making changes in my life and taking risks that I think...I'd like to say that I know...but I think will help calm my psyche cause right now I am so out of whack. No, getting married is certainly not one of those regrets in case that thought crosses anyone's mind. Do I think being married completes me? That I am part of a whole? No. I used to think for a long time ever since I was a young gay boy wondering if there were other young gay boys out there hoping to find one another that when that time came I would be fulfilled. I used to listen to that song "Somewhere Out There" from an American Tail and look at the moon from my 8th floor apartment window hoping I'd find someone to love me and that would be it, I'd fall in love, get married and feel whole. Now I feel that I alone can only complete me. My husband is not my other half. He is his own person who I am fortunate enough to have love me and whom I am fortunate enough to love wholeheartedly.

I've been losing a lot of sleep because sometimes I wish that I could go back to being that little boy and maybe rewrite a few story lines in some of the chapters in my life. Often as I scroll through Facebook and I see posts from people I haven't seen in years, some 10 plus years, I wonder if I ever come across their minds or are we just inattentively hitting that like button because that is what technology has conditioned us to do. There was a time when I judged myself based on how many friends I had and now with every passing year, I realize the benefits of quality over quantity. I pray that those people in my life who have stuck with me feel I give meaning to them as they do me. With that though, I have a hard time accepting people just come in and out of your life. Why do people just grow apart? For me, it's a hard concept to accept. Every person I have laughed with, cried with, have loved are all apart of me and always will be. Any person who I have been fortunate enough to know for any amount of time, they all are a part of me and have in some significant way shaped me. 

My heart is heavy because I wish that I could go back and right many wrongs. People I have hurt and used just to keep going. People who may well still be apart of my life had I not been such a pompous ass. I'd hate to go about life with them not knowing just how truly sorry I am. I often think I have just followed along the paths of others instead of creating one that is truly my own.

We take for granted life so much it kills me and yet most of us just keep coasting by without ever really doing anything that holds meaning for ourselves or maybe I am alone in thinking this, I don't know. I just know that time is moving so quickly and I'm just holding on tightly with my eyes closed much like I do on a roller coaster. Wanting to feel the rush but not truly living it because I can't see and afraid if I let myself be free, throwing my arms in the air and enjoy the ride, I may fall.

So as I near closer to letting my thirties go, I pray that besides marriage with all of its messiness and surprises, I'll discover more about myself and become the person I was meant to be. That I'll be able to find peace in the fact that I can't change the past and I can only live in the now and it is never too late to start again. I may fear a lot of things one of those being forgetting who I am but one of these days I will stop watching from the sidelines as others play the game.

Love Letter

Dear Craig,

I hope this finds you well. We haven't spoken in quite some time so I thought it was about time I reached out.

Congratulations on your marriage! I heard it was beautiful. I look at your photos often and they give me comfort. The unknown can be frightening, but when I look at your photos I see balance. Life can easily crack the strongest foundation but the love of family and friends can quickly seal the brokenness of spirit. That gives me hope.

I've always felt you had a heavy heart. I know that sometimes you try to do the right thing and it constantly backfires on you. Don't feel discouraged. If others can't see what I see than allow blindness to be their downfall. You enjoy making people happy because you attempt to share in their pain and by comforting them you think you have comforted yourself. Is letting your own feelings show such a terrible thing? I know you have a hard time crying in front of others. How many times have you told me that you wished you could bury your face in Joshua and just cry your heart out. What's stopping you? I can't answer these questions for you. You'll just have to figure that out for yourself.

You're a fool to believe that just because you attempt to be a good person you will be rewarded. That type of belief is damaging to your soul. Just BE a good person. You're also a fool to believe someone other than yourself will hold a map to your life. Existence is hard. It's full of weeds and dust. Stop creating diversions. Let your heart and soul clear those roads less traveled and be patient. You give up too easily. Why are you so afraid?

You may be reading this and thinking, what kind of friend am I, but it's because I care about you that I write this. I've seen you drag yourself through the mud more than once. I've heard you calling out, screaming. I've felt you almost give up. You feel as though you are spinning out of control and despite your "glass half full" mentality, it's no good if your glass is full of poison. When all you see is darkness I hope you can find it within yourself to forgive me. Maybe then, you can open up those blinds and let some light in.

You're allowing others to intimidate you. There will always be others who are smarter than you, but guess what? There will always be someone smarter than them as well. How do you perceive intelligence? If the day comes that you feel it's time for a change, trust yourself. If you believe you're failing just begin again. There is no courage in bringing others down for how you feel inside yourself. Courage is admitting you failed and learning from your mistakes. You are stupid for thinking you are stupid. Never let others make you feel less of yourself.

You've lost friends along the way. You think about them often. You've also gained many more. I can tell. I hope you still consider me one. I hope you don't hate me for writing all of this, but I felt it was about time you began seeing things clearer. Someone needs to help you put things in perspective. Facing yourself is scarier than any nightmare you can conjure up. I know you and I can at least agree on that.

Before I go, just know that I love you. There have been times I've hated you. I've pitied you, as well. It's only because when I look at you, I see parts of myself I've kept buried. I really don't want to face any of my demons, but you constantly force me to. I think that's how we got here, don't you? I forgive you for that. In fact, thank you. You're a complicated soul, but that's one thing I love about you. You tell people you're an open book, but I still think you keep people at arms length. I think people may surprise you. You're too quick to judge.

I hope one day we can make peace with each other. I'd hate to let our lives go by with you feeling it was only your fault. I'm just as guilty. If in fact I never hear from you, I wish you all the best. If by happenstance I run into you, I hope you don't look the other way. Even just a ghost of a smile would be less haunting than avoidance. Don't carry the weight of the world on your shoulders.

Yours truly.

I'm Afraid

I had asked this guy I dated once how he stayed so fit and he told me he just danced and sweat it all out in his room and then he would do a bit of lifting. He asked me to join him one day so one hot summer day in Jamaica Plain we just stripped down to our underwear and put on some electronic dance music or was it the 80's...I can't remember...and we danced in his room until sweat was dripping off our bodies. It was fun and I laughed a lot, mostly because I felt so ridiculous dancing around in my boxer briefs with him, but then I thought, this is like any Saturday night at a lot of gay clubs and here at least I’m not self conscious. He told me it was cathartic for him and this is mine….

I’m afraid. 

I’m afraid I wont be a good husband. Joshua is my rock and I never want to dissapoint him. I'm afraid I’ll just stay at my job another 10 years without doing anything meaningful. I’m afraid of losing my hair that’s becoming thinner and thinner. I’m afraid I’ll lose Joshua. I’m afraid I’ll never write the one piece of literature that I’m most proud of. I'm afraid I won't have the body I always wanted. I’m afraid of telling people my true feelings. I’m afraid people aren’t telling me their true feelings. I’m afraid people think I’m some sort of joke. I’m afraid I’ll never love myself as much as I’m supposed to. That I’ll be a failure. That I am a failure. That I won’t have children and if I do I’ll be a shitty father. I’m afraid of those who I shouldn’t be afraid of but am because they have what I wish I did. I’m afraid of one day being alone. 

I’m afraid. 

Fear is a bitch. I try to recollect what may have happened to me in my life that made me so afraid to take risks. At least then I’d be able to blame something or someone other than myself. I’ve let fear guide me through easy paths and take advantage of me when I was most vulnerable. It only gets worse as you age too. I mean with every year that goes by I’m just more afraid then I was before. I wish I could take all my fear and turn it into something great but then I’m afraid it won’t be so great after all. *sigh*

What do you do when you have so many ideas and ambition and you can’t find an outlet for any of it? I want to be a novelist, a baker, a therapist, a hero. I wanted to be a teacher and travel to Africa and build homes. I want so much out of life. I want the simple and the complex. I want the wild and the calm. I want to be free and tied down. 

I’m afraid of letting people walk all over me. I’m still till this day afraid of bumping into certain ex's. I’m afraid of being laid off. I’m afraid of seeing our world turn to shit. I’m afraid of being undesirable. I’m afraid of losing the trust of those I love. I’m afraid of being poor. I’m afraid that before I die I just won’t leave a legacy behind. I’m afraid that at my doctor’s visit today they’ll do another biopsy and this time it will be bad. Really bad. I’m afraid of feeling stupid. When I was in Paris, the man I was with whom I admired because he was so smart and drop dead sexy told me I had a lot of blonde moments and it wasn't said in a jokingly manner. He was being cruel and it cut deep. Really deep. I’m afraid of losing battles and not being brave. 

I’m just afraid. 

The thing is I’m an optimistic person so I’ll keep believing in the good of everything till the day I die, I know I will. You could push me to the moon and I'll find my way back home some how. I always look for the silver-lining. I have so much love in my heart but I’m scared of being defeated by myself. I’m afraid that all the dark parts of me will consume me and just when I've escaped my ill fate I'll be pulled right back. 

I could have a panic attack just writing this. *deep breath* It’s pretty cathartic getting all of this out. I’ve been having panic attacks a lot lately. Mostly when I’m driving where I think the most or at night laying in bed. It’s definitely not fun having a panic attack especially when you’re behind the wheel. my heart races, I sweat, my legs become jello, and I basically forget how to drive. At night my mind would just race and I’ll have to keep telling myself things are good but then I just start up again..

I’m afraid of being tempted and giving in. I’m afraid of not visiting all the beautiful places earth has to offer. I’m afraid of regret. Being laid off. I'm afraid that parts of me haven't stuck to those I once loved. Parts of them have stayed with me. I'm afraid of the inability to be the better person. I’m afraid I’ll never really understand my feelings. I’m afraid of letting people down. I’m afraid I’m misunderstood. I’m afraid of being judged. I'm afraid of not finding my true potential. 

Well there you have it. Pretty much all of my fear laid out for you to laugh at or emphasize with. To judge or snicker at. But it’s my fear and I own it. I promise myself everyday that I'll accomplish some of my goals. It could be because we are getting a new boss at work in April or the wedding. Closing this chapter of my life has left me rehashing so much. I'm doing pretty good at the whole loving thing so that's something. Lots of barriers to take down there, but they have crumbled.

I'm terrified

Maybe I’ll go dance in my room now. 

Flaws and All

"Say one thing interesting about yourself." I hate this statement nor do I like being put on the spot. It makes me uneasy. Why? Because I'm not interesting. It's ok, I have come to terms with it, mostly because in Joshua's eyes I'm perfect and he's the only one whose opinion matters to me.  Then again, when I have to respond with nervous chuckle, "I have no idea." I feel defeated.

I recently went through my contacts and came to the horrifying realization that I stay in contact with only about a third of the people I know. Most of the people in my contacts are guys I dated or hooked up with in the past 13 years or so. Lots of first names with the word grindr or scruff in parenthesis at the end. Delete, delete. What does that say about me? I don't know. What I do know is that despite all these failed relationships, more than anything, it was just love and acceptance I was looking for, even if it was just for one night. That one nightstand, whoever he was, was with me and just me and I felt wanted. I've felt alone most of my life and I couldn't find many people who really got me. It's not for a lack of trying. There are times when I contemplate texting a friend just to say hi, even if I haven't seen or heard from them in a long time. What is the worst that could happen? then I just think they will find it very strange that I contacted them in the first place and so I think, what's the point. Better not to feel rejected. After all, I can't really call many people I know as "friends" but more acquaintances. My definition of a true friend eliminates a lot of people. I mean there's Facebook right. I hate Facebook. As a society, I feel as though we are losing all ability to truly connect with one another. I mean if it wasn't for Facebook I would have about 15 contacts in my phone. That's fucked up, but it's reality all the same. My reality. I just haven't made many connections at all. At least ones that have lasted.

I have never been one who could stand on my own in groups. I'm not witty, not an intellectual, maybe I can be funny at times, but you throw me in a crowd and I feel unvalued. I never feel as though I fit. I'm a giant square in a circle puzzle. It's as though I could be in the middle of a library and I could scream and no one would even flinch. I have had many groups of friends but not many have stuck. I see college friends maybe three or four times a year, but besides that my time is spent either alone or with Joshua who I don't get to see very often as I'd like, for now anyway. I hate that we don't live together. It's not that his company isn't enough for me, but I always think about the It's a Wonderful Life quote, "No man is a failure who has friends." Don't get the tissues out just yet, I have friends but when I think about how many people have passed through my life and how many have stuck it's a little disconcerting.

When you're gay and you spend your childhood feeling isolated for so long you yearn for acceptance in adulthood more so than if you grew up feeling accepted. You become more independent. Maybe that isn't necessarily true for everyone but for me it's pretty accurate. It lead to a lot of insecurity and I felt pretty worthless. I'm a loner. I spent most of my life grasping for people to hang with and they all slipped through my fingers. I spent so much money trying to keep up with friends who had more than me only to still be left with nothing. I was like a chameleon, changing myself to fit into my surroundings. I tried pouring my heart out, believing I could just be a "good friend" but no one seemed to notice. I've tried over and over jumping from one group of friends to the next thinking this time it will be different, but it always ended the same. I grow apart from them as they remain together and I'm back to square one. I'm just not an interesting person. I have a good heart with good intentions, but that never seemed enough for most gay men I knew. It's exhausting really, putting so much effort into trying to fit in to be let down over and over again. It's not healthy giving up on who you are to try and please others. One lesson I will tell my kids some day is to never lose sight of yourself. I did almost anything just to feel apart of something.

I hate to segregate my straight friends from any gay friends I know. Friends are friends despite sexual preference, but none of my straight friends ever made me feel worthless. There has only been one gay man I have truly connected with, my best friend Matthew. Besides him, the only people I hear from are my straight friends. Maybe that doesn't mean anything, but it's an observation I have made. The only few gay men I knew who used to stay in touch quickly dissapeared when I was taken off the market.  So there you have it. The dreams of having a group of friends like those in movies like Broken Hearts Club or shows like Queer as Folk are gone. It shouldn't matter, but it does to me because I have always been one who put a lot of faith and trust in friends. The one who would do just about anything for them. I just had high hopes is all.

It could all be in my head, mostly fears that are ingrained in me from bad memories from High School, but I feel like a scared teenager who won't be accepted every time I'm thrown into a group setting. It's terrifying and for a 32 year old to admit this, well I'm either humiliating myself right now or finally just admitting to myself that sometimes I feel alone even though I have the most amazing man I could ask for.

I had a cancer scare recently and the other day I had to have a colonoscopy. Fortunately they didn't find anything, but as I'm waiting to be wheeled into the room to have my procedure done, I noticed a man in scrubs walking around who of course I had slept with many years ago. At first I got really hot and my heart starting pounding and I thought OMG please don't tell me he's going to be the one to perform my procedure and oh god now my blood pressure is getting high. Then I thought this is so typical, I can't even have a procedure done where they are going to stick a camera up my ass, without running into someone I slept with. Then finally, after I gathered myself together, I was just sad. He was just another guy who took advantage of me and he's a doctor or a surgeon and I'm in just a decent job who may have cancer after I just met the person I want to spend my life with.

It's not really that I care what people think of me, but when you start to wonder if maybe there is something wrong with you and you begin to hate yourself it's hard to find your ground again. You start to believe your worthless and you can become depressed. You can be taken to a dark place that's very hard to crawl out of. I've been there a few times.

For me, that's the scariest part about loving someone and maybe why I sometimes sabotaged potential relationships in the past. When you feel as alone as I have so many times, giving your heart to someone who may not be there tomorrow is scarier than dying. When I decided to propose to Joshua that was when I finally decided to let all that go and give myself a chance to change my life. To begin to break bad habits. To be defeated by love and hope for the best. Getting on one knee as the sun was beginning to set over Aruba, it was as though I was finally saying goodbye to one person and welcoming a new hopefully improved Craig. With tears in my eyes, I asked him to marry me. I had such confidence up until that point. I was terrified. He brings out the best in me. He's an angel, really. He's so pure and good, sometimes I feel as though he deserves better. I fell in love with him because in this crazy cruel world that we live in, he is goodness and his goodness brings out all the best parts of me and despite my fear of losing him and the dark sides of myself he accepts me unconditionally. Flaws and all. I don't need to be funny, I don't need to be an intellectual, I don't need to be creative or wealthy or anything other than who I am. That's true love.