a person or type of person perceived as familiar, approachable, and dependable, typically in the context of a romantic partnership.
I’m not witty, not particularly talented, I don't think I'm the type that could stand out in a crowd either but I’ve always tried to maintain a few qualities that I feel are most important, approachable and dependable being among them. Not just in my marriage but to anyone who is close to me, dependability is up there in qualities I seek in others and a quality I thrive to carry forth to people I care about. I've often mentioned in my blogs how important to me friendships are. Sometimes I fear I don't concentrate on my marriage as much as I should because I'm more concerned about being there for everyone else. I think a part of that has to do with needing approval from others. In my mind if I have approval from others, than I matter. So therefore, I fear I don’t know myself at all. What's harder is at the age of 18, I thought I knew myself, at 25 same thing, etc. I'm indecisive often times and I act too quickly, This often leads to disastrous results.
Joshua and I got into an argument the other night. It was one of those, I need to take a long drive to think, I may sleep elsewhere type of arguments. The "on the surface" cause for the argument is far less important than what lied beneath. The real reason why we argued and the lessons I've/we've learned are far more significant. I am constantly growing psychologically. Things I want out of life and my interests are always changing. Joshua thinks I'm never satisfied and that I'm always looking for something better. I tend to disagree with this because there are indeed plenty of things I do not want to change, first and foremost my marriage. Despite our rough patches, which all relationships have, our love runs deep. My friends are another. If you're a good friend to me you're my friend for life, in fact you instantly become my family. What I don't like and never will is the mundane everyday type of life many of us are forced to live each day. I often feel I'm wasting away my life doing the same thing day in and day out. I once thought my greatest fear was death but greater than that is dying without having lived.
After many tears and some time apart which wasn't long but felt like centuries, we got back to our good place and what I learned about myself was this:
1. I compare myself to others too much. Probably why I don’t know myself at all. I’m insecure. Often times I feel being dependable isn’t good enough and that I’m lacking something that sets me a part from others and therefore I fade into the crowd. I don’t have a solution to fix this other than until I stop being afraid of loss I’ll never be satisfied with what is presently right in front of me.
2. I learned I often make issues about me. Again, it’s because I’m insecure. Joshua says I should consider seeing a therapist. Maybe it will help me understand why it is I’m so insecure in the first place. I’m so afraid of not being “a part” of something that I sometimes try to attach myself to every situation just to feel recognized. So why do I feel like I have to be a part of everything? Simply, I don’t want to feel abandoned. I want to be a part of everything so that I don’t need to fear being a part of nothing.
3. I learned I don't trust myself. It is very hard for me to do because I’m always so critical of myself. Wouldn't it be nice to be able to take the advice we so often give to others. I am a self-deprecating person. I don't believe this to be a bad thing. Knowing my faults and laughing about them is healthy but it often leads to an unhealthy place that is hurtful. My confidence level can drop with just a snap of a finger and that obstructs me from taking risks and trusting in myself enough to know that I can pick myself up from whatever negativity is put in my path.
I can't stress enough how important it is too be honest. In my mind, the more honest I am with myself the less I'll have to hold on to in case I fall. I'm afraid the ground below me will give way and I'll just keep falling further and further until I have nothing. One night in bed with tears in my eyes, I told Joshua that each year we are together I'm learning more about myself as an individual while we learn from each other as a couple and my fear is that at some point we may grow apart instead of growing together. Prior to this night we were having some issues because of my fear of being honest. That fear led to resentment and ultimately was hurting us. We talked and to my surprise I didn't realize just how well he really knew me. It was comforting and scary, knowing someone knew me possibly better than I knew myself.
Throughout my marriage there are moments where I take a step back and I think, "There, that's it. That's why I asked this man to marry me." That night in bed was one of those moments. Joshua is quite possibly the most observant person I know and he accepts me for my true self, faults and all. He may not like every decision I make and I'm sure I keep him on his toes, but at the end of the day I'm learning that I can trust in the fact that when there is something I'm mentally struggling with, I can go to him and we can work it out and as I learn to navigate my own psyche and discover who I am, I am glad I married my own boy next door.
I can't stress enough how important it is too be honest. In my mind, the more honest I am with myself the less I'll have to hold on to in case I fall. I'm afraid the ground below me will give way and I'll just keep falling further and further until I have nothing. One night in bed with tears in my eyes, I told Joshua that each year we are together I'm learning more about myself as an individual while we learn from each other as a couple and my fear is that at some point we may grow apart instead of growing together. Prior to this night we were having some issues because of my fear of being honest. That fear led to resentment and ultimately was hurting us. We talked and to my surprise I didn't realize just how well he really knew me. It was comforting and scary, knowing someone knew me possibly better than I knew myself.
Throughout my marriage there are moments where I take a step back and I think, "There, that's it. That's why I asked this man to marry me." That night in bed was one of those moments. Joshua is quite possibly the most observant person I know and he accepts me for my true self, faults and all. He may not like every decision I make and I'm sure I keep him on his toes, but at the end of the day I'm learning that I can trust in the fact that when there is something I'm mentally struggling with, I can go to him and we can work it out and as I learn to navigate my own psyche and discover who I am, I am glad I married my own boy next door.
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