Flaws and All

"Say one thing interesting about yourself." I hate this statement nor do I like being put on the spot. It makes me uneasy. Why? Because I'm not interesting. It's ok, I have come to terms with it, mostly because in Joshua's eyes I'm perfect and he's the only one whose opinion matters to me.  Then again, when I have to respond with nervous chuckle, "I have no idea." I feel defeated.

I recently went through my contacts and came to the horrifying realization that I stay in contact with only about a third of the people I know. Most of the people in my contacts are guys I dated or hooked up with in the past 13 years or so. Lots of first names with the word grindr or scruff in parenthesis at the end. Delete, delete. What does that say about me? I don't know. What I do know is that despite all these failed relationships, more than anything, it was just love and acceptance I was looking for, even if it was just for one night. That one nightstand, whoever he was, was with me and just me and I felt wanted. I've felt alone most of my life and I couldn't find many people who really got me. It's not for a lack of trying. There are times when I contemplate texting a friend just to say hi, even if I haven't seen or heard from them in a long time. What is the worst that could happen? then I just think they will find it very strange that I contacted them in the first place and so I think, what's the point. Better not to feel rejected. After all, I can't really call many people I know as "friends" but more acquaintances. My definition of a true friend eliminates a lot of people. I mean there's Facebook right. I hate Facebook. As a society, I feel as though we are losing all ability to truly connect with one another. I mean if it wasn't for Facebook I would have about 15 contacts in my phone. That's fucked up, but it's reality all the same. My reality. I just haven't made many connections at all. At least ones that have lasted.

I have never been one who could stand on my own in groups. I'm not witty, not an intellectual, maybe I can be funny at times, but you throw me in a crowd and I feel unvalued. I never feel as though I fit. I'm a giant square in a circle puzzle. It's as though I could be in the middle of a library and I could scream and no one would even flinch. I have had many groups of friends but not many have stuck. I see college friends maybe three or four times a year, but besides that my time is spent either alone or with Joshua who I don't get to see very often as I'd like, for now anyway. I hate that we don't live together. It's not that his company isn't enough for me, but I always think about the It's a Wonderful Life quote, "No man is a failure who has friends." Don't get the tissues out just yet, I have friends but when I think about how many people have passed through my life and how many have stuck it's a little disconcerting.

When you're gay and you spend your childhood feeling isolated for so long you yearn for acceptance in adulthood more so than if you grew up feeling accepted. You become more independent. Maybe that isn't necessarily true for everyone but for me it's pretty accurate. It lead to a lot of insecurity and I felt pretty worthless. I'm a loner. I spent most of my life grasping for people to hang with and they all slipped through my fingers. I spent so much money trying to keep up with friends who had more than me only to still be left with nothing. I was like a chameleon, changing myself to fit into my surroundings. I tried pouring my heart out, believing I could just be a "good friend" but no one seemed to notice. I've tried over and over jumping from one group of friends to the next thinking this time it will be different, but it always ended the same. I grow apart from them as they remain together and I'm back to square one. I'm just not an interesting person. I have a good heart with good intentions, but that never seemed enough for most gay men I knew. It's exhausting really, putting so much effort into trying to fit in to be let down over and over again. It's not healthy giving up on who you are to try and please others. One lesson I will tell my kids some day is to never lose sight of yourself. I did almost anything just to feel apart of something.

I hate to segregate my straight friends from any gay friends I know. Friends are friends despite sexual preference, but none of my straight friends ever made me feel worthless. There has only been one gay man I have truly connected with, my best friend Matthew. Besides him, the only people I hear from are my straight friends. Maybe that doesn't mean anything, but it's an observation I have made. The only few gay men I knew who used to stay in touch quickly dissapeared when I was taken off the market.  So there you have it. The dreams of having a group of friends like those in movies like Broken Hearts Club or shows like Queer as Folk are gone. It shouldn't matter, but it does to me because I have always been one who put a lot of faith and trust in friends. The one who would do just about anything for them. I just had high hopes is all.

It could all be in my head, mostly fears that are ingrained in me from bad memories from High School, but I feel like a scared teenager who won't be accepted every time I'm thrown into a group setting. It's terrifying and for a 32 year old to admit this, well I'm either humiliating myself right now or finally just admitting to myself that sometimes I feel alone even though I have the most amazing man I could ask for.

I had a cancer scare recently and the other day I had to have a colonoscopy. Fortunately they didn't find anything, but as I'm waiting to be wheeled into the room to have my procedure done, I noticed a man in scrubs walking around who of course I had slept with many years ago. At first I got really hot and my heart starting pounding and I thought OMG please don't tell me he's going to be the one to perform my procedure and oh god now my blood pressure is getting high. Then I thought this is so typical, I can't even have a procedure done where they are going to stick a camera up my ass, without running into someone I slept with. Then finally, after I gathered myself together, I was just sad. He was just another guy who took advantage of me and he's a doctor or a surgeon and I'm in just a decent job who may have cancer after I just met the person I want to spend my life with.

It's not really that I care what people think of me, but when you start to wonder if maybe there is something wrong with you and you begin to hate yourself it's hard to find your ground again. You start to believe your worthless and you can become depressed. You can be taken to a dark place that's very hard to crawl out of. I've been there a few times.

For me, that's the scariest part about loving someone and maybe why I sometimes sabotaged potential relationships in the past. When you feel as alone as I have so many times, giving your heart to someone who may not be there tomorrow is scarier than dying. When I decided to propose to Joshua that was when I finally decided to let all that go and give myself a chance to change my life. To begin to break bad habits. To be defeated by love and hope for the best. Getting on one knee as the sun was beginning to set over Aruba, it was as though I was finally saying goodbye to one person and welcoming a new hopefully improved Craig. With tears in my eyes, I asked him to marry me. I had such confidence up until that point. I was terrified. He brings out the best in me. He's an angel, really. He's so pure and good, sometimes I feel as though he deserves better. I fell in love with him because in this crazy cruel world that we live in, he is goodness and his goodness brings out all the best parts of me and despite my fear of losing him and the dark sides of myself he accepts me unconditionally. Flaws and all. I don't need to be funny, I don't need to be an intellectual, I don't need to be creative or wealthy or anything other than who I am. That's true love.