I've finally given myself permission to be happy. It's a refreshing feeling. I went for a run the other day. I never run. I hate it actually. My gym was closing early so I thought what am I going to do to feel like I've done something. I ran. Not far, but far enough. Anyway, I was running and I just started thinking about things that have been happening in my world lately. Good things and I just began to smile and that smile turned into laughter. Onlookers would have assumed I was nuts, but how wonderful it felt to just laugh. Just because. I had given myself permission to be happy. It's a liberating feeling and you know I don't think many people take advantage of this gift that has been given to us. Truly being happy. I'm not there yet but I am on the right path, I think.
We create our own happiness. It's taken me awhile to realize this. I mean I've had my share of fun and I've paved the road that is my life and within that road I caused a lot of tears and I was a selfish asshole many times. I take full responsibility for any pain I have caused anyone. It's a hard pill to swallow really, acknowledging that you were the cause of someone's pain at some point or another. Some people, those who have narcissistic tendencies blame the world for their troubles. Nothing is their fault. I strongly believe that we have the choice to reclaim our happiness.
I haven't accomplished much in life. I'm a quitter. I cringe when I say that. Actually I should say I used to be a quitter. When something becomes to hard I quit. More importantly when I feel I am not good enough at something I quit. There's a difference. I quit student teaching, I quit relationships, I quit applying for potential job opportunities, I quit silly competitions all because I am afraid of failing. Little by little I'm learning my potential and it is greater than I give myself credit for and even if I fail, guess what? I'll be ok. Ah...that feels good to know. And it's as if a veil has been lifted and I'm seeing things clearer. I am not just realizing what matters most but I'm realizing that I can accept those things and go with it. I used to destroy things in my life that were good...I protected things that were bad. Why do we do that? I think it's because we don't give ourselves permission to just be who we are and be happy. I don't mean the everyday mundane satisfaction of our lives, but to truly be happy. Also, to stop doing what you expect others want from you. I have seen less of many of my friends because a lot of our relationships consisted of going to nightclubs and drinking and well I just don't care to do those things any more. There was a time when I used to be upset if I wasn't invited out now I'd rather stay home with wine and DVR. Things in my life are becoming so much simpler. Josh has helped out a lot with that. Before he met me he led a very simple life. He worked, he gardened, he worked out. That was pretty much it. Not that he still doesn't do those things, but now that he is dating a city boy I've opened him up to a lot of things, but how good does it feel to visit him in his country home and just do nothing but sit by a fire and enjoy the peace and quiet. It's glorious. He says to me that I am wonderful. That I am his idea of perfect. That's scarier than anything, I think. I hope I can live up to his idea of me but then again it's easy when you're with someone with a heart as beautiful as his. I don't know when the switch happened, but everything I once thought I wanted I don't want anymore. I just want to someday be a good husband and father. A good friend. And above all...good to myself. Deserving.
I've begun challenging every bit of myself and it's fucking scary. Joining crossfit and realizing that there is a bit of an athlete inside of me. I'm doing things I never thought I could do out of fear. All those things you're afraid to do in HS, I'm doing them and then some. Allowing myself to be consumed by love again. SCARY. Realizing that I control my choices and from the ground up I'm building a new world for myself that's simple, uncomplicated, and easy. I'm excelling in my job and I don't feel "stuck" anymore. I used to dwell so much in the past. Relishing in failed relationships and in my other own failures. Consumed by wrong choices I have made. Constructing a false reality for myself because I wasn't aware of my own potential. I feel like a seed beginning to sprout its roots. Holding on to the ground, yet growing unafraid of the perils that could be ahead. I think if we all put our lives under a microscope we'd see alot of crap there that we wouldn't want to see and we'd be too afraid to fix. Fear just fucks everything up. It comes in so many ugly forms and prevents us, well me at least, from going that extra mile so to speak.
I'm tired of being afraid.
