I had this wish to move away (again) to a new city. Chicago, San Francisco, wherever...I thought, "How great would it be to go to a new city and start over." A clean blank slate where no one can assume things about you from what they hear from others, make more friends, create completely new routines for myself. The problem with all of this is we seem to be destined to repeat bad habits and if that was the case then I would be worse off because my friends would be far away and I would feel lonelier than I did years ago. What I've learned is too make the most of what I have been given right in front of me. I mean at this time in my life things are good, but for years they weren't. I've battled lots of demons from internal ones to others whom I cared about. If there is one thing I will teach my children some day is that people will always come in to your life who we think we can trust but sometimes they fail to meet our expectations and can sometimes leave us with nothing but sadness BUT it makes us stronger and with every hardship that comes into our lives we have the capacity to fight through it and come out the other side. I'm sorry if I sound like a preacher but these are words to live by.
There are two sides to everyone and I'm no different. I have been hurt a lot by many people, largely because I can be naïve at times and trust too easily. I have hurt people too though and I'm sorry for any pain I may have caused them. It's important to look back on our lives and try to begin to fix the cracks in our soul. Things we need to change and in order to do that it's important to forgive even if someone says they are sorry but you know deep down there sorrys are shit. I've done terrible things to good people in my life and sure I can say it's because I was young, drunk, whatever but deep down it's just because I was selfish and didn't care. Just own it. I wish more people could do that. Just own up to your faults and if you REALLY do want to be different then try harder and don't be a coward to take responsibility for your actions. Most importantly forgive yourself. We may be perfect in the eyes of those who love us, but we are human and make mistakes, no one's protected from that.
One of the things that we do as humans that makes me so angry is to make assumptions about people just because of things we may have heard about them from others. Rather than making our own opinions based off of interactions we have had with them we are so quick to judge. There have been times when I have lost friends all because someone told them things about me that were false or blown way out of proportion. I made peace with the situation by figuring they weren't good friends to begin with.
The darkest time of my life was a break-up I had with the first person I really truly loved. It seriously left me in ruin. I was cheated, manipulated, and left feeling empty. I spent days not eating, crying just about everywhere, even making poor decisions to try and win them back somehow. Doing things so beneath me and so despairing all because I felt it was better to be with someone who didn't love me than being without them. I even went to therapy for it because I had lost not just them but friends as well and I needed someone to talk to. This person asked for forgiveness 3 years later, but despite my acceptance I didn't believe it. Like I said no matter how low we feel we have the ability to heal though. Forgive to help yourself not to help them. You would think that this experience would wake me up and I'd make better choices but I didn't because old habits die hard and I kept falling back into the same routine. It takes more than an experience to change you. You have to want it. It's like when you wake up with a bad hangover and say your never going to drink again but yet you do. Even if that drunkenness caused you to do something even dumber you'll probably do it again until you finally decide for yourself it just isn't worth it. That's when your soul gives you the push you need to make changes in yourself.
Someone recently told me they loved reading my blogs but thought they were always so serious. I thanked him and told him that I could write tons of funny stupid shit in my blog, but I could facebook status that as well. I'd much rather be deep or just write about experiences in my life that have caused me to reflect because those are the important things that matter in my world. I can't grow if I don't reflect and by reflecting I can weigh my choices, good and bad on a scale and if the good outweighs the bad I can forgive myself for the times I was a piece of shit and hope that every day I make better choices.
