I'm Afraid

I had asked this guy I dated once how he stayed so fit and he told me he just danced and sweat it all out in his room and then he would do a bit of lifting. He asked me to join him one day so one hot summer day in Jamaica Plain we just stripped down to our underwear and put on some electronic dance music or was it the 80's...I can't remember...and we danced in his room until sweat was dripping off our bodies. It was fun and I laughed a lot, mostly because I felt so ridiculous dancing around in my boxer briefs with him, but then I thought, this is like any Saturday night at a lot of gay clubs and here at least I’m not self conscious. He told me it was cathartic for him and this is mine….

I’m afraid. 

I’m afraid I wont be a good husband. Joshua is my rock and I never want to dissapoint him. I'm afraid I’ll just stay at my job another 10 years without doing anything meaningful. I’m afraid of losing my hair that’s becoming thinner and thinner. I’m afraid I’ll lose Joshua. I’m afraid I’ll never write the one piece of literature that I’m most proud of. I'm afraid I won't have the body I always wanted. I’m afraid of telling people my true feelings. I’m afraid people aren’t telling me their true feelings. I’m afraid people think I’m some sort of joke. I’m afraid I’ll never love myself as much as I’m supposed to. That I’ll be a failure. That I am a failure. That I won’t have children and if I do I’ll be a shitty father. I’m afraid of those who I shouldn’t be afraid of but am because they have what I wish I did. I’m afraid of one day being alone. 

I’m afraid. 

Fear is a bitch. I try to recollect what may have happened to me in my life that made me so afraid to take risks. At least then I’d be able to blame something or someone other than myself. I’ve let fear guide me through easy paths and take advantage of me when I was most vulnerable. It only gets worse as you age too. I mean with every year that goes by I’m just more afraid then I was before. I wish I could take all my fear and turn it into something great but then I’m afraid it won’t be so great after all. *sigh*

What do you do when you have so many ideas and ambition and you can’t find an outlet for any of it? I want to be a novelist, a baker, a therapist, a hero. I wanted to be a teacher and travel to Africa and build homes. I want so much out of life. I want the simple and the complex. I want the wild and the calm. I want to be free and tied down. 

I’m afraid of letting people walk all over me. I’m still till this day afraid of bumping into certain ex's. I’m afraid of being laid off. I’m afraid of seeing our world turn to shit. I’m afraid of being undesirable. I’m afraid of losing the trust of those I love. I’m afraid of being poor. I’m afraid that before I die I just won’t leave a legacy behind. I’m afraid that at my doctor’s visit today they’ll do another biopsy and this time it will be bad. Really bad. I’m afraid of feeling stupid. When I was in Paris, the man I was with whom I admired because he was so smart and drop dead sexy told me I had a lot of blonde moments and it wasn't said in a jokingly manner. He was being cruel and it cut deep. Really deep. I’m afraid of losing battles and not being brave. 

I’m just afraid. 

The thing is I’m an optimistic person so I’ll keep believing in the good of everything till the day I die, I know I will. You could push me to the moon and I'll find my way back home some how. I always look for the silver-lining. I have so much love in my heart but I’m scared of being defeated by myself. I’m afraid that all the dark parts of me will consume me and just when I've escaped my ill fate I'll be pulled right back. 

I could have a panic attack just writing this. *deep breath* It’s pretty cathartic getting all of this out. I’ve been having panic attacks a lot lately. Mostly when I’m driving where I think the most or at night laying in bed. It’s definitely not fun having a panic attack especially when you’re behind the wheel. my heart races, I sweat, my legs become jello, and I basically forget how to drive. At night my mind would just race and I’ll have to keep telling myself things are good but then I just start up again..

I’m afraid of being tempted and giving in. I’m afraid of not visiting all the beautiful places earth has to offer. I’m afraid of regret. Being laid off. I'm afraid that parts of me haven't stuck to those I once loved. Parts of them have stayed with me. I'm afraid of the inability to be the better person. I’m afraid I’ll never really understand my feelings. I’m afraid of letting people down. I’m afraid I’m misunderstood. I’m afraid of being judged. I'm afraid of not finding my true potential. 

Well there you have it. Pretty much all of my fear laid out for you to laugh at or emphasize with. To judge or snicker at. But it’s my fear and I own it. I promise myself everyday that I'll accomplish some of my goals. It could be because we are getting a new boss at work in April or the wedding. Closing this chapter of my life has left me rehashing so much. I'm doing pretty good at the whole loving thing so that's something. Lots of barriers to take down there, but they have crumbled.

I'm terrified

Maybe I’ll go dance in my room now.