I've been losing a lot of sleep lately and have been bearing a heavy heart. I think it's due to all of this quiet and fresh air now that I have traded in my city life for a home in the country. There is plenty of time to reflect on choices I have made in my life when my weekends consist of puttering around the house, gardening and googling home decorating tips. I just realized I used the word puttering, sigh.
I began this blog to give my thoughts and emotions an outlet and maybe, if fortunate enough, learn more about myself so that I could rid myself of all of these parasitic demons that eat away at my soul. Regrettably, I fear, they have just multiplied into more demons. I am not sure why I stopped writing, at the very least, for a moment, writing my thoughts down gives me some fulfillment.
Each year, as my hair grows thinner and I shy away from things that I fear, I hate myself for not making changes in my life and taking risks that I think...I'd like to say that I know...but I think will help calm my psyche cause right now I am so out of whack. No, getting married is certainly not one of those regrets in case that thought crosses anyone's mind. Do I think being married completes me? That I am part of a whole? No. I used to think for a long time ever since I was a young gay boy wondering if there were other young gay boys out there hoping to find one another that when that time came I would be fulfilled. I used to listen to that song "Somewhere Out There" from an American Tail and look at the moon from my 8th floor apartment window hoping I'd find someone to love me and that would be it, I'd fall in love, get married and feel whole. Now I feel that I alone can only complete me. My husband is not my other half. He is his own person who I am fortunate enough to have love me and whom I am fortunate enough to love wholeheartedly.
I've been losing a lot of sleep because sometimes I wish that I could go back to being that little boy and maybe rewrite a few story lines in some of the chapters in my life. Often as I scroll through Facebook and I see posts from people I haven't seen in years, some 10 plus years, I wonder if I ever come across their minds or are we just inattentively hitting that like button because that is what technology has conditioned us to do. There was a time when I judged myself based on how many friends I had and now with every passing year, I realize the benefits of quality over quantity. I pray that those people in my life who have stuck with me feel I give meaning to them as they do me. With that though, I have a hard time accepting people just come in and out of your life. Why do people just grow apart? For me, it's a hard concept to accept. Every person I have laughed with, cried with, have loved are all apart of me and always will be. Any person who I have been fortunate enough to know for any amount of time, they all are a part of me and have in some significant way shaped me.
My heart is heavy because I wish that I could go back and right many wrongs. People I have hurt and used just to keep going. People who may well still be apart of my life had I not been such a pompous ass. I'd hate to go about life with them not knowing just how truly sorry I am. I often think I have just followed along the paths of others instead of creating one that is truly my own.
We take for granted life so much it kills me and yet most of us just keep coasting by without ever really doing anything that holds meaning for ourselves or maybe I am alone in thinking this, I don't know. I just know that time is moving so quickly and I'm just holding on tightly with my eyes closed much like I do on a roller coaster. Wanting to feel the rush but not truly living it because I can't see and afraid if I let myself be free, throwing my arms in the air and enjoy the ride, I may fall.
So as I near closer to letting my thirties go, I pray that besides marriage with all of its messiness and surprises, I'll discover more about myself and become the person I was meant to be. That I'll be able to find peace in the fact that I can't change the past and I can only live in the now and it is never too late to start again. I may fear a lot of things one of those being forgetting who I am but one of these days I will stop watching from the sidelines as others play the game.
