I Was Here

I sing a lot in my car. To the point where I am bellowing out notes that probably sound like a cross between a cat in heat and a boy fighting puberty. Despite the predicament of my horrendous singing voice, I have come to terms with it. I have been laughed at many times by those next to me at a red light, but it doesn't bother me much. I bellow out these notes believing that if I sing them loud enough someone will hear me and I don't mean those unfortunate individuals to my right or left. I mean those I am singing to. That my words will telepathically reach them and they will know what I am feeling. Lately I have been singing to noone but myself. I have been singing what I believe to be words of wisdom.
I have spent the past month soul searching. Really trying to dig deep as to what type of person I want to become. To some it is quite easy as though they were born with a road map. I am not aware of such a road map. What I am aware of is my inability to find happiness within myself. In my career, I have never found my niche. In love, I look to others for approval or not feeling good enough, most likely throwing away some incredible men. In friends, I seem to never find my footing. It has led me to believe in many ways that I am going to die one day looking back and never feeling fulfilled. Which is a really shitty thing to feel at the age of 30, but when your life has been filled with so much dissapointment it's hard not to feel this way. I could blame my parents for never succeeding in life and therefore never being able to provide me with many options, I could blame those who bullied me from kindgarten through HS for crushing my self esteem or those friends who never seemed to stick making me feel worthless....OR I could blame myself. It is MY life after all...I sometimes feel like my reality is thwarted by fantasy, but I have decided to lift that veil from my head and try and see things more clearly.

My promise to myself:
I have got to get a hold of my life.
I have got to stop seeking approval from others.
I have got to stop feeling like I am in a race to love

I live in my head which has gotten me into trouble. I'd like to say I am not an anxious person, but I am. Everything concerns me. I wish I could be one of those people who just doesn't give a shit, but I will never be one of those people. I stress out over the littlest things...and I have realized that much of my stress is largely due to my inability to be happy with myself. I have to constantly remind myself that I am in charge of my own life and I need to stop giving that power to others.

Music has become my inspiration and one song has really struck me so deep that I can listen to it over and over again and cry and cry and cry. The message is so great and so powerful. If I could on the day that I die whisper these words and know that they are true than I WILL be fulfilled.

I was here
I lived, I loved
I was hereI did, I've done, everything that I wanted
And it was more than I thought it would be
I will leave my mark so everyone will know
I was here