I'm That Guy

I’m the guy who gets out of his car and opens the door for you…That’s the kind of guy I am. I’m the guy who speaks up for things and is willing to fight when need be...words or fists. The guy that will bake cookies for you on Valentine’s day…who likes to sit in cafes and talk or write…I like to dance around and act silly to 80s pops songs. Who sometimes likes to use terms like gurrrrrrrl…who cries at romantic comedies and sad commercials about abused animals…who has fantasies about his wedding and how he’d propose and how he knows he’ll cry at his wedding…who likes to try and always look nice and sometimes spends too much time in the mirror and sometimes doesn’t give a shit how he looks. I’m the guy who says he’s getting fat when he weighs a healthy weight and the guy that likes to have gag worthy things like “our song, our restaurant, our favorite place to travel to” I’m the guy who likes to sing in his car to songs like “I’ll Stand By You and Total Eclipse of the Heart” I’m the guy who would kiss you even when your nose is runny and you sound like a drag queen who has smoked for 40 years. I’m the guy who loves going to sports games and screaming and cheering and also loves to sit quietly and watch a play or hell maybe even a ballet. I’m the guy who would sit by your side in the hospital all day and night and would run through rainstorms with you and warm up with you next to a fire naked. I’d try and become interested in things you are passionate about or just appreciate the fact that you are passionate about them. I’m the guy who used to play with dolls as a kid and wished he was Baby from Dirty Dancing just so he could do that dance at the end of the film. I’m the guy who fantasizes about late nights with holding his crying baby or the Christmas cards we would send to families and friends. I’m the guy who imagines he is having a cup of coffee with your mom talking about you while you’re still sleeping. I’m the guy who likes to stay healthy and is not at all and will never be a gym rat. I'm the guy who loves watching documentaries about nature and likes to have picnics in parks.  I’m the guy who believes in love, friendships, and simple acts of kindness. I’d rather spend my days vacationing on a tropical island and not partying at a white party. I'm not an attention getter but likes when people pay attention to me. I’m the guy who doesn’t believe romance is dead. I’m the guy who would do really really stupid things just to make you laugh or the guy who would back off when you needed space. Who would do anything in his power to impress you if he loved you. I’m the guy who would buy you a star or make you a mix tape…yea I’m that guy. I’m the guy that screams when I see a roach but would free a spider if I found one. I’m the guy who loves horror movies but then is sometimes afraid of the dark after. I sometimes sleep with a stuffed animal. I’m the guy who likes to always quote movies. Who sometimes does disgusting things like blow his nose in the shower and bite his nails. I’m the guy who can be over dramatic or not emotional enough. I’m the guy who has a nervous laugh when something is really awkward or tragic. I’m the guy who wants to travel the world with you and at the same time never wants to leave the coach with you.  I’m the guy who would do anything in his power to make you happy.  I’m that guy.

…Does that make me Masculine or Feminine? or does that just make me ME.

Perfectly Imperfect

So it's a new year. Hopefully it'll be filled with a lot of love and wise choices for me and for all those I care about. I'm not fond of cliche, in fact, it annoys me. It devalues what used to be meaningful expressions. Correction... I guess I love cliche, but the idea that certain expressions become cliche mostly because certain expressions are taken for granted angers me. For instance, I can say I will reflect on last year and think about choices I made and make a resolution that I will make better ones in the new year and then in a month or so go back to my normal everyday life and the feeling of a clean slate will once again become tarnished. But as cliche as reflection and resolutions are, I don't feel that it should lose the value of its purpose. We should reflect on the past year and our lives in general and try and make better choices and be better people in the new year and maybe our resolutions won't last, but cheers for giving it a good shot.

The events in Newtown CT struck me to the core, like it did for almost everyone with a heart. I can't think about those families without welling up and feeling such intense sorrow for all of them. One of the parents were interviewed by Katie Couric and the mother said that she felt sorry for Adam Lanza. She said she couldn't imagine what a dark and evil place he must have gone too and that she was sad that that is where he was. This mother whose child was murdered could say words like these. I cried for the pain they were feeling and I cried for the strength that she and her husband must have to be able to let anger and hatred go for a man who could kill their beautiful child. Could I ever be that strong? I hope and pray I never have to suffer from the loss of a child and in such a despairing way. I hope that I can have the sort of strength this family and all the others have. When I think that these children will never feel what it is to be in love with another, to have their first kiss, to graduate from college, etc. I can only reflect on not what I haven't experienced but what I have been grateful to have experienced.

What better day to experience Deja Vu than on New Years Day. I was taking a beautiful walk at Broadmoor Wildlife Sanctuary, taking in the beauty and calm of nature and enjoying the company that I was with, when all of a sudden I had that feeling that I had been here once before. I always find comfort in that feeling. My take on Deja Vu is that it is the world's way of telling me that I am on the right path in my life. Maybe I had been here before in another life and by experiencing it all over again I am right where I belong. Just like the power of prayer and the belief in God comforts people, whether it be real or not, if something comforts you and gives you hope then in my eyes it is amazing. It is worth feeling. I believe that all that I search for and all the questions I need answers to will come in time and I need to live in the moment and relish in all the things that I have that really should mean something to me.

We always want more and more and more and we always lose sight of what we have right in front of us. We lose sight of what necessities we have that others do not and many times we brag about the things that are not necessities. In my own life, I lose sight of the idea that I have power over my own life and that the choices I make are MY choices and I am the only one to blame for its consequences. With that being said I am making a promise to myself to stick with my ideologies and maybe tweak my way of thinking about certain things. Things that I am fearful and anxious of. Things that consume my mind. Most of all stop worrying about my insecurities and knowing that no one is perfect and saying to myself that I am perfectly imperfect. I am who I am supposed to be and some of it may not be pretty, but I am perfect just the same.