Paris

Just about everyone warned me that it was too soon to go on a vacation with someone I had only been dating a couple of months. My first thought was the same, but who in their right mind would turn down a trip to Paris and with a man whom I find so incredibly sexy. Every time I'm single it's the same routine. I tell my friends I'm going to take time off from dating followed by a few rolled eyes from them and then a week later I am back on some stupid site talking to a bunch of guys hoping this time I'll meet someone worth my time. This is of course while I am on countless dates that you just wish you could get out of. There's always one guy in particular who I speak to that I always feel is out of my league and I begin chopping myself down. There was one time I took this guy on a date and spent over 100.00 on dinner just to impress him and never heard from him again, which would have been fine if he hadn't expressed to me after how much of a great time he had followed by a pretty hot make out session. I'm naïve I suppose. In Paris, we went out to a few gays bars one night and a guy was going on and on about how hot he thought I was. His friend then asked him as I was buying a drink (Rhum et Coca), "Do you like him?" His response was, "Hell No."

So to be dating someone who I once again felt was too good for me and to have him ask me to go to Paris with him was a dream. I had spent the last three months trying to do everything right that I began to lose myself. I got so wrapped up in trying to be perfect for someone that I forgot the whole point of being with someone, worth being with, is that there shouldn't be any work involved. I struggle with such body issues that I sometimes cannot comprehend why some guys want to be with me which is what I felt like with him. Nothing is more valuable in this world than realizing your own self worth. Unlike other things in this world, it's something that cannot be taken away from you at least not if you don't allow it to. No one should ever have that much power over you that you question your self worth. There were times in bed when he would look at me so intensely and I thought to myself, what does he see that I can't? It is also those times prior to our trip that I miss.

Some people have no time for love. I don't understand this. When everything fails in life, if I have the love of someone, than I am completely at peace. I really don't see how anything can be more valuable in life than knowing that there is one person out there capable of putting out all of your fears and insecurities. Someone who you know when they look at you they see all the beauty in the world.

I imagined romantic strolls through the city, getting lost in its beauty. Paris is the perfect city to get lost in. Behind every corner is another café, statue, or park to experience. I imagined kissing on bridges and sharing fatty delicious pastries. Getting caught in the rain. I imagined disappearing into the lights at night and drifting away to the sound of soft guitar strings and violins, smelling sweet crepes on my journey. But within this fantasy was the hard smack of reality. I wasn't living in a fantasy. I was on a trip with a man whom I'm still getting to know and whom may not have shared the same fantasies that I had.

We got into a lot of spats and probably would have gotten into more if I hadn't kept my mouth shut. It was always "what are we doing today, where are we eating, how are we getting there..." There is a right time and place to sometimes say how you really feel and being in a foreign city with someone whom you are sharing this experience with was not the time to burst out in tears and say WTF! Why are you making this trip that I have always wanted to take with someone I care about so unromantic? Why are you making me feel dumb and completely inadequate? Where is the man that I've been excited to see every weekend for the past three months? I felt it was better to just agree and do what was suggested.

At one point during our trip we visited not only the Louvre but also a much smaller museum called Musee de l'Orangerie where I had the opportunity to get lost in Monet's painting Les Nympheas or Water Lilies. It was mesmerizing. I felt like I could have dived right into the painting and taken a swim. I could have floated alone in the water at night smelling flowers and listening to only the sound of crickets and running water with only the light of the moon and the stars above me. Just like this painting, from far away, everything becomes clear, so was my realization that it was possible I was fooling myself in thinking him and I wanted the same things or just that RIGHT NOW I wanted those things alone.

There is that saying that a picture is worth a thousand words but a picture can also be misleading. When I returned home everyone said, "It looks like you had a wonderful time." And yes, some times were wonderful, but other times, I may have been smiling in a photo, but really I was on the verge of breaking down. Was my trip entirely ruined? Absolutely not. I'm pretty good at reading people and despite the times it was evident we weren't going to last. There were times when I wanted to just freeze time and stay in a moment just a little bit longer. Every kiss, touch, gesture that made me feel I was his made my heart beat faster and I was proud that I was with him. What I take from this trip and most importantly this short relationship is that I don't give myself enough credit and I have got to stop chopping myself down and thinking some people are out of my league.

I also have to learn how to be alone and be happy. It gets harder and harder giving away my heart hoping this time it'll be the last time only to have to start from scratch time and time again. There are bridges in Paris over the Seine River that are covered in locks from lovers symbolizing their everlasting love. I wondered, as I gazed through the swarm of locks, how many of these relationships were still alive and how many should be unlocked and fall into the bottom of the river never to be seen again? It is a pessimistic thought but one that I couldn't help thinking as I began to feel that once again I was in a relationship with the wrong guy. I also giggled to myself considering here I was in the most romantic city in the world and I am feeling this way. Should I just not go on a vacation with a bf anymore since everyone in the past 5 years have all ended afterwards?

But as they say in French C'est la vie. After all I am thankful for the chance to have seen so much and I am thankful for the moments with him that caused me to smile so hard that my face hurt. I am thankful for Paris.