In an effort to form a better relationship with my brother and my mother's insistence that we become closer, I invited my brother out to lunch and also he owed me money and knew this was the best way for him to pay me, in person. We had a few drinks and talked about relationships. He was asking about Joshua, which I thought was really cool as I have always had a hard time talking about my relationships with anyone who was a straight male, especially those whom against my better judgment wanted in my life. It stems from all the years of being bullied by straight men and so afraid I will be treated differently. Just the other day, after work, I was having drinks with my coworkers and one of my straight male colleagues was inquiring about my trip to Aruba and the big news I had. I always get hot in the face when I talk about how I am in a relationship with a man. As if they will get weird and awkward and start thinking I am trying to hit on them or something. It's not as if I am ashamed, I just hate the way some people look at you after you explain to them, "Oh I'm in a relationship with a man, I'm gay" You can see it in their eyes...the judgment.
My brother and I were discussing relationships and how he was happy I finally met someone who made me happy and someone I have decided to stay with. He then told me about an ex he had who worked in the southend, in the restaurant business, and how she used to throw my name around. "Do you know someone named Craig Licchi?" I got red in the face and reluctantly asked him what she had to report. My brother told me his ex just looked at him and smirked and said, "Mixed Reviews" I was absolutely mortified. What does "mixed reviews" mean?! And who did she talk to?! I drove home envisioning all the faces of people I could think of who she may have spoken too. I shivered. Did they say I was bad in bed? Good in bed? a bad person? Kind? A Jerk? Strange? Some comments I could deal with and others I had to make sure were corrected immediately.
Everyone knows it's nearly impossible to critique yourself the ways others do. We never see our faults the way others see them. Some things you may find completely rational may seem extremely strange to someone else. I mean right before I started writing this blog, I asked the barista to make me another latte and handed him the mug I drank the first one out of. The three people behind the counter gave me weird looks and started making comments. I was just trying make less dirty cups for them. I almost even asked the guy, "Is that weird?" I mean in a place like Somerville that is so earthy crunchy I thought this was normal behavior.
So anyway I thought well maybe she spoke to one of the many crazies I dated. Now I know I am sorta contradicting myself here. Maybe to me they were crazy, but to someone else completely normal. Either way when you breakup with someone, unless its completely mutual, they won't have nice things to say about you. Or maybe she spoke to people I casually dated and where the relationship just fizzled out. I hope I left a good impression. I can sit here and say I don't care what others think about me, but I'd be lying. I think most of us who say we don't care are lying to ourselves. I do care how others see me. What I can affirm, however, is that you can't please everyone. Not everyone is going to like you. You could be the kindest person in the world and some might say you are being fake or just find something to dislike about you.
Some might say, "You have Joshua now, he is all that matters." Well true he is the most important person in my life and yes, if I want anyone in this world to see me positively it's him. I mean I have never come across someone as kind and considerate as Joshua. All my priorities, once misguided and ruffled, have been sorted since I met him. All the monsters in my head from past relationships have been scared off from the unconditional love I am receiving from him. But with that being said, that doesn't mean I need to lose sight of all the other things in my life that are important to me. It's ok to share a life with someone without having to sacrifice the things that made you happy before that person came along. The trick is to find someone that understands and appreciates that.
Last weekend Joshua and I went through my photo albums. It seemed like every other album Josh would say, "Who is that?" and my response was always, "Oh we dated." I wasn't ashamed at all, nor did it make him uncomfortable. So I dated a lot, big deal. Sometimes I put all my eggs in one basket and other times I didn't. Now that I'm settled with him, I am glad I had all the experiences I had. I'm glad I cried all those tears, screamed all those profanities, had all that sex, and discovered my limits, my faults, and my strengths. I learned what true love was and how it could lead to pain, confusion, and how when you lose sight of yourself and give in to temptation it doesn't mean you love someone any less, just that you are human. As I looked at the faces of those I loved or cared about, some who I still care about, so many emotions were filling up inside me. If I was to run into any of these men, what would they have to say about me? Did I leave any mark on them? Everyone whom I have been with has left an impression on me. It's impossible to give out love without consuming feeling in return and then forgetting that feeling they have left on you. It always remains.
So, in the eyes of some men in Boston I could possibly seem like an odd duck. Unattractive. a terrible lover. In some maybe kind hearted, a great lover, sexy even. Smart or stupid. I'm all of those things. Perception is a very wicked and strange thing. I sometimes feel I'm ugly and sometimes I look in the mirror and think damn I am hot. Sometimes I am sweet and other times I'm a complete bitch. Sometimes I think I am clever and other times I think, "God I am dumb." At least I realize this and aim for the positive characteristics I know I possess. So I have decided that it's cool that people have mixed reviews of me, whether I just met you on the street or dated you...because I have mixed reviews about myself everyday.
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