Blood is Thicker Than Water?

I'm a very competitive person. I hate losing, which is funny because I am not very good at many things. I suck at trivia games, I can't really catch, dunk, or throw a ball, and my coordination is horrible. This has led me to fear any kind of team sport besides bowling. Bowling is safe...you roll a ball and knock down pins..very easy. I was always last picked on teams in school which caused me to always be afraid in gym class because others' assumption of my inability to play sports was always proven by my inability to play sports! In elementary school we were playing kick ball and for some reason I completely missed the giant ball SLOWLY rolling in my direction. How does one miss kicking a ball?...then in 7th grade I joined volleyball and of course the winning point was volleyed towards me and I thought I heard the coach blow her whistle so I caught the ball to stop the play. I caught a volleyball! I was afraid to walk home that day. At least in elementary school we were coed and there was always a girl who was worse than me. It took some of the pressure off. When I hit high school, an all boys catholic school, I was petrified of nice days when we were forced outside to play flag football or what have you. I always prayed for rain. Rain meant we could play dodge ball and dodge ball I was really good at and loved to play. I mean all you had to do was dodge a ball and then you were able to throw balls at people...it was the only time I was able to hit someone I disliked. Remember that MTV show Daria? I felt like her.

Nowadays I feel like I am just in competition with myself and losing rapidly. The old me vs the new me.

I was looking at old photos of myself when I was a kid. I was pretty cute up until puberty. I went through that whole awkward stage with bad acne, bad haircuts, etc. I came across a team photo of me in little league. Now I have a really good long term memory, but I don't ever remember wanting to play little league. It was like one of those things you were forced into. My dad was probably like.. well my son dances to Madonna in his bedroom and plays with My Little Ponies, he is going to play in little league. My older brother was a pretty hefty guy when he was a teenager and much much stronger than me. He used to beat me up all the time. Every Saturday morning while I tried to watch my Saturday Morning Cartoons...Thundercats, Gummy Bears, Smurfs, Fraggle Rock..etc. my brother would turn on WWF and decide that he would mimic the moves on TV on me. He was a wrestler in high school. I was his very own crash test dummy, except dummies don't scream and cry. Whenever my brother was angry at me he always knew how to make me cry. There was the time he took my Immaculate Collection Cassette and cut the tape on it...or when he took MY my little pony and threw him out the car window while on the highway. I was devastated. He used to act as though he was my father, always telling me what to do.

I wish I had a large family with lots of brothers and sisters. One thing I always look for in a guy is someone who is close to their family or who has a big family. I imagine me and my boyfriend at fun barbecues and family outings...hanging out with my boyfriend's mom or dad, playing with his nieces and nephews, etc. it's ironic because I am not very close to mine, especially my brother. I used to think maybe it was because we were 6 years apart, but really it's just because he is not worth my time.

Growing up, when he was a jerk to me, it was because he was my older brother and most older brothers are jerks to their kid brothers. Now I don't know what his excuse is. I have no problem saying that he is stubborn, aggressive, and full of himself. I used to wish he would settle down and have kids just for my benefit, because I want to have a niece or nephew I could spoil, but I don't think he would be a good dad at all not too mention I don't know how any girl could put up with his temper. Last time I spoke to him he said he would ruin me because I wouldn't loan him money and my mom has the nerve to say to me "Well Craig you did sell your condo and have more money now, I don't know why you can't help out your brother." I've been helping him out for years now which has just led to bill collectors calling me and court dates because he has belongings in my name. Some how though I am a bad brother, selfish and inconsiderate. My parents really aren't any better. Granted they have been through a lot especially my mother who I love very much, but I feel more like a crutch with my family just because I am trying to do well with myself and because of a small settlement I received from a car accident years ago.

 I used to feel like I had to compete with my brother over everything even with my parents. He could never do wrong. I used to want to be like him, because despite some of his poor qualities, he is one of the most book smart people I know and was somewhat athletic. He is great at sports, trivia, etc. I am not very book smart at all, but I'd rather possess the qualities I do have much more than the ones he possesses. I forgive very easily which is why when my brother and I fight, I usually forget all about it when I see him at holidays and such, but this year I have decided that it isn't in my best interest to bother.

When I am depressed or really need someone to talk to it is never my parents or my brother I call, it's my friends. Typically if I did call my parents or brother they would have no encouraging things to say and I would probably feel worse about myself. I don't buy this whole notion that blood is thicker than water.

I've been trying to brush away all the cobwebs in my life by correcting bad behavior, disregarding those who treat me poorly, and just living a better healthy more fulfilling life. If that means not talking to people in my family then so be it. Sorta like my own cleanse. I wish it included an all day spa package.

Just Let it Be

I am my own worst enemy

I say that I learn from my mistakes, but not always. I feel as though in certain aspects of my life I am doomed to forever repeat bad habits. I'm not sure why we as people do this sometimes. My own take on it is that we go with what we know, too afraid of the unknown. Too afraid to be happy. That's just it really...in many cases it is the unknown that can lead to our happiness. I'm a coward I guess. I'm beginning to think that I run from things that can make me happy because what if I am happy for that one, 5, or 10 years and then it all comes crashing down? And even though I was happy it didn't last. I want a lifetime guarantee. I want a promise that it'll work out...life doesn't work that way, I know, but I am terrified. As I right this, I'm saying to myself.."Craig but you are an optimist. You always fall down and get right back up again?" It's true I am an optimist and I'm not afraid of much but I am afraid of letting go. I don't mean I hold grudges. I mean, I have a hard time letting myself go from myself. Freeing myself of doubt, fear, insecurities... Just letting things be.

My mind never shuts off. I can never live in the moment...live in the now. I'm always thinking ahead. People tell me I'm a good listener, but I can also be a terrible one as well. I'm always distracted and haunted by my own thoughts. I'm a worrier. I take the whole "live everyday as if it's your last" too far to the point where I am so worried about making sure I do what I want out of life I don't end up doing anything at all. I'm learning I suppose...trying to not fumble my way through life. I was watching the Olympics last week and I saw Morgan Uceny fall in the 1500 meter final. She sat there on the track smacking her hands on the track and sobbing. The saddest part is she did the same thing four years ago. That's how I feel...every time I'm given a chance to get what I want I always stumble and fall. One of these days I'll get it right.

If I reread my thoughts I probably sound like a miserable, self-deprecating individual, which I am so not. I'm actually a very happy fun guy, but we don't need to correct the things in our lives that are good. When I am sad I reflect on happier times in my life, but I write to correct the things about me that I believe I feel need changing. I enjoy change.

I hate making decisions. I'm a very indecisive person, nothing is ever black and white with me ..it's always gray. The reason why I hate making decisions is because I most often than not always end up making the wrong one. I feel like I'm cursed. That whatever decision I make it will inevitably be the wrong one. What gets me through this thought process that I've created in my mind is fate. Believing that everything happens for a reason unbeknownst to me comforts me. Maybe the decision I made was the right one and if it was the wrong one, well if fate has anything to do with it, it will somehow be corrected. I'm also very unselfish when it comes to my decision making. If my decision is going to benefit someone else I care about, even if they don't see it that way at the time, that's the decision I make. I rather see others happy instead of myself in many instances and I hate causing people sadness, it kills me to see people I care about sad, but I can't be every one's best friend even though I'd like it to be. My friends always yell at me because I tend to make excuses for people's behavior, not recognizing fully the extent of my sadness caused by others.

My mind says, "Well maybe they just had a bad day or well he doesn't know any better...fuck that...they hurt YOU stop making excuses for them." I don't like holding on to negative feelings. I don't see the point in it. I'd rather believe it is all for a reason. I'm being tested...and since I am in fact always trying to see the good in everything, I'll just shut my eyes and say to myself "Just let it be."

Reflection

If you were given a chance to do life over would you? On impulse I probably would say yes, but the fact is every bit of my life has made me who I am today.

The reason why I was able to endure all the mental abuse I went through as a kid was because I knew that after high school graduation I could start a new life for myself. The only blurb in my high school yearbook read, "Thank you to those who have hurt me. I am stronger because of you."

My bags were packed for College weeks in advance. I had never been so excited about anything in my life. I could not wait to start over and hopefully be myself.  A lot of people always ask me why I chose to go to a state college in Massachusetts when I lived in NY, but most of those people had money and could attend private schools or others didn't have the high school experience I had and I just couldn't bare to stay in my neighborhood feeling afraid anymore. I remember my mom asking me to pick some groceries at the corner store and on my way there an older teenager who lived in my apartment building tried to light me on fire. He grabbed me and literally tried to light my shirt up with his lighter. You see I didn't go to College because of my career path (I didn't have one) or to further my education, I went to have fun. To experience all the things I felt like I had missed out on all my years of high school. I had heard that Salem State was nicknamed seldom straight, so clearly I thought I have to go here. I wanted to be with people I could relate to. I had never heard of a GSA before. Plus I was intrigued by Salem's history and was always a big fan of the movie The Craft because they were outsiders as well. I even went through the whole goth phase for awhile.

What a surreal experience it was to be in an environment where I could be gay and be accepted. To have straight male friends that were ok with living with a gay guy was so weird and foreign to me. One of my friends had even said to me that he had a warped opinion about gay guys until he met me because he grew up in a very small town and I was able to open his eyes. Those four years of college were everything I dreamed they would be and although many of those friends live far away or have very busy lives of their own, we all manage to keep in touch and visit each other when we can. One of the greatest moments of my life that I will never forget is when I was at a college party and I had made a comment about some guy I thought was cute to my friend. Some jerk over heard my conversation and started making jokes about a fag being at the party. He was put in his place real quick and it was the first time I had ever seen people have my back in such a way that I felt like I belonged somewhere. I didn't want that feeling to ever go away. It was so comforting to begin to break out of my shell. To be able to express my opinions about things in a classroom, to attend parties, to have a bf on-campus...

Sophomore year I went to Montreal for Spring Break with three of my college girl friends. While they were off picking up guys at some bar I did something I never thought I could do being a shy young gay 20 year old. I went back to my hotel room, changed my clothes, and went to the first gay bar I could find...Sky Bar. I sat at the bar and had a few drinks cruising everyone around me enjoying the stares from guys probably much older than me, but it helped my confidence. I wasn't out to pick up anyone...until this point I had dated two guys and my first sexual experience was with a high school senior in an empty parking lot....I was just out to let my guard down and let myself go. Back then I didn't have much confidence, still don't, and this was my way of building it up. After that good ole liquid courage set in, I walked upstairs to the dance floor and just danced and danced until someone caught my eye. This beautiful shirtless sweaty french Canadian guy started to dance with me. He leaned in and kissed me as I just ran my hands over his muscular chest. My heart felt like it was going to explode. I must have looked really pathetic, I was so nervous. We ended up leaving the bar and grabbing coffee. We chatted til about 3 am, kissed each other goodbye, and parted ways. It felt liberating.

I have never been close to my family, immediate or extended. I'm always jealous of my friends who have large families who are really close to one another, but truly and my mom hates when I say this, but my friends are my real family. They are who I have always been able to rely on and who I always put first in my life. The ones who are genuinely good to me will always get my respect and I will always be there for them. We may not share blood but we shares our lives. They are who I will put first before myself in many instances. Despite this, many friends have come and gone for one reason or another and I try not to ever take it personally, but how can you not when you get close to someone, open up to them, and then you just stop hearing from them. It is a shitty thing to feel that you would always be there for someone, but when you needed them they were never around. I have had that happen to me on several occasions but as I get older the only person I am beginning to rely on is myself and I'm ok with that.

A lot of times I hear from gay men that I meet who either come to Boston for school or move here for work or whatever that they can't seem to make friends. "No one is friendly," they say to me. You can't go up to a group of guys and introduce yourself without them treating you as if you speak a foreign language unless you have something they can gain from you or they are interested in you. I never really understood that and I'm not trying to speak for everyone but I've heard this time and time again. Are we just all so insecure that we have to treat each other like we are back in high school? As if, unless you're a "cool kid" we can't associate with you? It's like being at a lunch table in the movie Mean Girls. I'm not saying we should all hold hands and sing a happy tune, I just don't understand why we have to be so disrespectful to one another. I used to want to be every one's friend, never understanding why someone would not want to be my friend, a bit arrogant I know, but in terms of what a friend should be I fit the bill. Now I just want to be every one's friend because I never want anyone to feel out of place or invisible.

I think due to the fact I had such a lonely childhood (and when I mean lonely it's not that I didn't have friends. I didn't sit in my room and play video games all day long. I had some incredible friends who I still speak to and who I love, but being in the environment I was in I couldn't be myself and I always felt like an outsider) I'm always needing and wanting to be apart of everything. Always so afraid of missing out on something. I'd like to say as I'm getting older that has changed but it hasn't, it has just manifested itself in a different way. I don't feel like I need to have a dozen friends to feel good about myself, but what I think is happening and the reason why I put so much emphasis on wanting to find love is because I want someone to be mine and mine alone which isn't necessarily a bad thing, but it is when in order to feel good about yourself you need to have validation from someone else. Someone to tell you they love you and so on.

My closest friends know that I am a sensitive guy and that I take a lot of things to heart and I'm ok with being that way. I wish more people I knew were like that. Despite the fact that I am that sensitive, I also don't put up with much bullshit either and am always the first to call someone out when they are acting like a D bag, which in turn makes me look like a D bag, but I'm ok with that too.  I told my friends the other day that if I ever act in a way that is offensive or inappropriate I want you to call me out on it. Sometimes we need to be put in our place. Sometimes it takes an outsider to show us that our behavior is unacceptable.

I wouldn't do anything in my life over because then I may not have met some of the incredible people in my life or I may not have made the choices I made or have experienced some of the things I have experienced. I would not have learned from the mistakes that I have made or been there for those who needed me. I hope that whoever reads this will reflect on the way they may have treated someone last week, a month ago, or sometime in their past and have the courage to say I was wrong and have even more courage to say I'm sorry.