Blood is Thicker Than Water?

I'm a very competitive person. I hate losing, which is funny because I am not very good at many things. I suck at trivia games, I can't really catch, dunk, or throw a ball, and my coordination is horrible. This has led me to fear any kind of team sport besides bowling. Bowling is safe...you roll a ball and knock down pins..very easy. I was always last picked on teams in school which caused me to always be afraid in gym class because others' assumption of my inability to play sports was always proven by my inability to play sports! In elementary school we were playing kick ball and for some reason I completely missed the giant ball SLOWLY rolling in my direction. How does one miss kicking a ball?...then in 7th grade I joined volleyball and of course the winning point was volleyed towards me and I thought I heard the coach blow her whistle so I caught the ball to stop the play. I caught a volleyball! I was afraid to walk home that day. At least in elementary school we were coed and there was always a girl who was worse than me. It took some of the pressure off. When I hit high school, an all boys catholic school, I was petrified of nice days when we were forced outside to play flag football or what have you. I always prayed for rain. Rain meant we could play dodge ball and dodge ball I was really good at and loved to play. I mean all you had to do was dodge a ball and then you were able to throw balls at people...it was the only time I was able to hit someone I disliked. Remember that MTV show Daria? I felt like her.

Nowadays I feel like I am just in competition with myself and losing rapidly. The old me vs the new me.

I was looking at old photos of myself when I was a kid. I was pretty cute up until puberty. I went through that whole awkward stage with bad acne, bad haircuts, etc. I came across a team photo of me in little league. Now I have a really good long term memory, but I don't ever remember wanting to play little league. It was like one of those things you were forced into. My dad was probably like.. well my son dances to Madonna in his bedroom and plays with My Little Ponies, he is going to play in little league. My older brother was a pretty hefty guy when he was a teenager and much much stronger than me. He used to beat me up all the time. Every Saturday morning while I tried to watch my Saturday Morning Cartoons...Thundercats, Gummy Bears, Smurfs, Fraggle Rock..etc. my brother would turn on WWF and decide that he would mimic the moves on TV on me. He was a wrestler in high school. I was his very own crash test dummy, except dummies don't scream and cry. Whenever my brother was angry at me he always knew how to make me cry. There was the time he took my Immaculate Collection Cassette and cut the tape on it...or when he took MY my little pony and threw him out the car window while on the highway. I was devastated. He used to act as though he was my father, always telling me what to do.

I wish I had a large family with lots of brothers and sisters. One thing I always look for in a guy is someone who is close to their family or who has a big family. I imagine me and my boyfriend at fun barbecues and family outings...hanging out with my boyfriend's mom or dad, playing with his nieces and nephews, etc. it's ironic because I am not very close to mine, especially my brother. I used to think maybe it was because we were 6 years apart, but really it's just because he is not worth my time.

Growing up, when he was a jerk to me, it was because he was my older brother and most older brothers are jerks to their kid brothers. Now I don't know what his excuse is. I have no problem saying that he is stubborn, aggressive, and full of himself. I used to wish he would settle down and have kids just for my benefit, because I want to have a niece or nephew I could spoil, but I don't think he would be a good dad at all not too mention I don't know how any girl could put up with his temper. Last time I spoke to him he said he would ruin me because I wouldn't loan him money and my mom has the nerve to say to me "Well Craig you did sell your condo and have more money now, I don't know why you can't help out your brother." I've been helping him out for years now which has just led to bill collectors calling me and court dates because he has belongings in my name. Some how though I am a bad brother, selfish and inconsiderate. My parents really aren't any better. Granted they have been through a lot especially my mother who I love very much, but I feel more like a crutch with my family just because I am trying to do well with myself and because of a small settlement I received from a car accident years ago.

 I used to feel like I had to compete with my brother over everything even with my parents. He could never do wrong. I used to want to be like him, because despite some of his poor qualities, he is one of the most book smart people I know and was somewhat athletic. He is great at sports, trivia, etc. I am not very book smart at all, but I'd rather possess the qualities I do have much more than the ones he possesses. I forgive very easily which is why when my brother and I fight, I usually forget all about it when I see him at holidays and such, but this year I have decided that it isn't in my best interest to bother.

When I am depressed or really need someone to talk to it is never my parents or my brother I call, it's my friends. Typically if I did call my parents or brother they would have no encouraging things to say and I would probably feel worse about myself. I don't buy this whole notion that blood is thicker than water.

I've been trying to brush away all the cobwebs in my life by correcting bad behavior, disregarding those who treat me poorly, and just living a better healthy more fulfilling life. If that means not talking to people in my family then so be it. Sorta like my own cleanse. I wish it included an all day spa package.