Not Dying Today

I'm sitting in bed emotionally drained. As this summer comes to a close I have been able to make an amazing man think I am a jerk, runaway from the one guy I have feelings for, and have a quick fling with a man that led to a very intense fight. My initial reaction the other night driving home from the club was that "I don't want to live in Boston anymore. I really don't. I don't think I am ever going to find the right guy in this god forsaken city. I'm tired of getting picked up by married men or guys that think it is ok to not speak to me for months at a time and then call me at 2am for a booty call...or have men in relationships text me drunk to say how much they wish they were with me. This is all bullshit." Following this little internal spat I had with myself, it was evident that I'm a little obsessed with being in a relationship and I care too much about how others perceive me. People have been telling me this my entire life and I never listen. I spend more time scoping out boys at bars then I do listening to my friends speak. I'm going to listen now. I'm a stellar guy with a great heart who is pretty much tired with the incessant bull shit I keep walking into and therefore I have made the decision to change all of those thoughts that engross my mind into more production and healthy things for myself. Despite its strain on me financially I have joined crossfit and yoga classes. Plus running in the am which is just going to be a strain on my insanity as I am NOT a day person. I'm trying to challenge myself into doing things I have always wanted to do but have been too scared to do it. 

I know that in life we don't always get what we want. This is very clear to me, but most of the time these are things that are always not in our odds, such as winning the lottery or traveling the world. I have to start understanding that our lives are what we make of them and that yes we may not always get what we want out of them but that doesn't mean we have failed. As the amazing Tori Amos says,  You say you're waiting on fate/But I think fate is now/ I think fate is now/ Waiting on us. Well I am certainly not dying today and although there are days and nights where I feel I am accomplishing nothing out of my life, I always have the power to change that. 

Change is something I always welcome, but I am terrified of. The thought of leaving Boston has always crossed my mind and although I laugh at the thought, the more and more I'm thinking I should. Once I've gotten all I can out of my new position at work...a year or two...I'm going to move. Unless of course I meet a wonderful guy then maybe I'll stay...there I go again.  I'm sure my mother would try and guilt trip me into staying. I'm sure my friends would think I was making a big mistake. The fact is I spend more time doing what my friends and family think I should do then anything else. My intuitions are so great why don't I try listening to them when it comes to more than my love life? Why am I so scared of the unknown and doing things in my life that are good for me? It is simple really, despite how courageous I portray myself to be, I am so insecure and I'm afraid of failing. Well babysteps I suppose. The first thing I have the power to control and I want to change is my body and soul. The body part may be physically tougher but the true challenge is the war that goes on inside of myself. It starts tonight.