The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear.

NELSON MANDELA
 

I've always been a believer in signs. Whether there is any truth in signs doesn't matter. It's comforting to me. I have a hard time making decisions, but when I am faced with a choice, I always look for signs to guide me in the right direction. I also pray a lot. As a child I used to just pray to God all the time at bedtime and it was mostly when I wanted something. Afterall, I was a child and like most children I was self involved. Funny how some children never seem to grow up..anyways...nowadays I pray to my grandmother since she is the only person I know in heaven, or wherever souls go, that loved me unconditionally. I'm not sure if I would actually call it heaven. The thought of there being a heaven, leads me to believe there is a hell which is quite scary to think about. I prefer to just believe that when we die it isn't the end all for us. I pray to her because I know she would always want what is best for me and she would always lead me in the right direction. The women on my mother's side of the family have always been strong willed and love life and always seem fearless to me. They also live longer.

One Thanksgiving when I was a boy, 11 or 12, my dad went to pick up my grandmother from her senior citizens building in downtown Yonkers. It was a pretty rundown unsafe neighborhood, but my grandmother loved living there and everyone loved her. Before he arrived, she had been mugged waiting for my dad outside. The story is quite comical as the way she told it anway. She was sitting waiting for my father along with an elderly couple when a man came up to her and asked her for some change. As she reached in her purse, he went to grab it, but my grandmother held on to it for dear life and the elderly man began hitting him with his cane as his wife started to yell for help. My grandmother apparently hit him in the face with her diamond ring and he took off, ripping her purse but escaping with nothing. I thought she was so cool after hearing that story. There was another time when she was walking with her girl friend as man had approached her and said he had a gun in his pocket and wanted her money. Her elderly friend who was further up the road yelled out to her, "Betty, what does he want?" My grandmother applied, "I don't know, he says he has a gun." The man ran off probably thinking my grandmother was crazier than he was.

Three things that always reminded me of my grandmother were bingo, rummy, and singapore slings (she loved them). She was a short chubby Italian woman with lots of charisma and very active lifestyle. She used to have men her age pick her up to go out dancing, bingo, etc all the time. She used to take senior citizen buses to Atlantic City all the time as well. Some of my happiest childhood memories are ones where she was around and despite the fact that she is gone, she lived to be 98 years old so I am happy she led such a long life and from the last time I went to visit her in her nursing home, she remembered who I was and would light up when she saw me. I never told her I was gay, but the fact that she would sometimes referred to my ex boyfriend as my special friend pretty much told me she was aware. I think she just wanted me to be happy and I hope she isn't disappointed that I have not settled down yet, though the fact that she left my grandfather because he wasn't good to her makes me think that she would be proud that I have not settled for the wrong guy and that I hold true to the fact that the right guy is still out there for me. I think she would also tell me to stop looking and to take care of myself.

The whole idea of signs reminds me of my grandmother because she has always been a very religious woman and she too believed in signs. Then again she also thought Jesus spoke to her once and that she would be visited by dead family members. I digress. The other day when I was heading into the city to visit my best friend, I was waiting at Porter Square T station when this guy who I used to hook up with when I first moved to Somerville saw me waiting for the T. I avoided eye contact at all costs. This guy and I would hook up but when I asked him out on a date he stopped talking to me. This guy would also have an excuse for never letting me go to his place and would only contact me very late at night, all which led me to believe he had a bf and which I later found out was true, although when I asked him if he did, he flat out told me he didn't. Anyhow the next thing I know he is bolting to the opposite side of the platform, to my far right as if afraid I would notice him and confront him. Though only a week ago he texted me at 2am to say: Hey :-) ... I know what a message like that at 2am means. Anyways...so I'm still waiting for the T when this gorgeous man walks by me and when I check him out from behind I notice he is wearing a crossfit shirt. So I stood there and started laughing because I know how far of a stretch this is but it was so strange to me that to my right was the life I have been leading for years and to my left was the life I want to lead. In essence it was my obsession with boys and dissapointment of..my partying, etc vs what I feel would be a better healthier lifestyle and the latter is what I have chosen to stick with. Again I know how ridiculous this all seems, but in that moment everything seemed pretty fucking clear.

Saying and doing are two things that should go hand in hand but never do. I say a lot of shit most of the time but I never act upon it. I am so afraid of so many things and the thought of going to crossfit actually terrified me, but I went and yea it was terrifying and yea I definitely needed more attention than anyone else in my box, but I really didn't give a shit. To some, the idea of working out in a group setting is a peice of cake, but to me it took a lot of courage and I'm not afraid to admit that. Admitting your fears in my idea is the first step to overcoming them. So despite my fear, I just zoned everyone out besides the trainers and kept going. Like I have said before I have spent too much time worrying about what other people think about me, that I don't allow myself to do anything outside my realm of comfort. I am afraid of failure as I'm sure most people are, but as I get older it gets easier to say, "I don't give a shit." I have noticed that I also like to try and challenge myself and little by little I am doing just that and I will keep on challenging myself until I am satisfied.