Just Let it Be

I am my own worst enemy

I say that I learn from my mistakes, but not always. I feel as though in certain aspects of my life I am doomed to forever repeat bad habits. I'm not sure why we as people do this sometimes. My own take on it is that we go with what we know, too afraid of the unknown. Too afraid to be happy. That's just it really...in many cases it is the unknown that can lead to our happiness. I'm a coward I guess. I'm beginning to think that I run from things that can make me happy because what if I am happy for that one, 5, or 10 years and then it all comes crashing down? And even though I was happy it didn't last. I want a lifetime guarantee. I want a promise that it'll work out...life doesn't work that way, I know, but I am terrified. As I right this, I'm saying to myself.."Craig but you are an optimist. You always fall down and get right back up again?" It's true I am an optimist and I'm not afraid of much but I am afraid of letting go. I don't mean I hold grudges. I mean, I have a hard time letting myself go from myself. Freeing myself of doubt, fear, insecurities... Just letting things be.

My mind never shuts off. I can never live in the moment...live in the now. I'm always thinking ahead. People tell me I'm a good listener, but I can also be a terrible one as well. I'm always distracted and haunted by my own thoughts. I'm a worrier. I take the whole "live everyday as if it's your last" too far to the point where I am so worried about making sure I do what I want out of life I don't end up doing anything at all. I'm learning I suppose...trying to not fumble my way through life. I was watching the Olympics last week and I saw Morgan Uceny fall in the 1500 meter final. She sat there on the track smacking her hands on the track and sobbing. The saddest part is she did the same thing four years ago. That's how I feel...every time I'm given a chance to get what I want I always stumble and fall. One of these days I'll get it right.

If I reread my thoughts I probably sound like a miserable, self-deprecating individual, which I am so not. I'm actually a very happy fun guy, but we don't need to correct the things in our lives that are good. When I am sad I reflect on happier times in my life, but I write to correct the things about me that I believe I feel need changing. I enjoy change.

I hate making decisions. I'm a very indecisive person, nothing is ever black and white with me ..it's always gray. The reason why I hate making decisions is because I most often than not always end up making the wrong one. I feel like I'm cursed. That whatever decision I make it will inevitably be the wrong one. What gets me through this thought process that I've created in my mind is fate. Believing that everything happens for a reason unbeknownst to me comforts me. Maybe the decision I made was the right one and if it was the wrong one, well if fate has anything to do with it, it will somehow be corrected. I'm also very unselfish when it comes to my decision making. If my decision is going to benefit someone else I care about, even if they don't see it that way at the time, that's the decision I make. I rather see others happy instead of myself in many instances and I hate causing people sadness, it kills me to see people I care about sad, but I can't be every one's best friend even though I'd like it to be. My friends always yell at me because I tend to make excuses for people's behavior, not recognizing fully the extent of my sadness caused by others.

My mind says, "Well maybe they just had a bad day or well he doesn't know any better...fuck that...they hurt YOU stop making excuses for them." I don't like holding on to negative feelings. I don't see the point in it. I'd rather believe it is all for a reason. I'm being tested...and since I am in fact always trying to see the good in everything, I'll just shut my eyes and say to myself "Just let it be."