The Child Inside

So I wrote this in my journal 11/27/2001. Nothing is edited except the names.

I'm sitting in my room listening to Jewel. Her new album came out a few days ago and of course I rushed out and got it. Yesterday I found out that Tim cheated on his boyfriend Mike. Him and Mike had a long distance relationship and apparently Tim couldn't handle it or in my opinion just couldn't keep it in his pants. Mike and I are going to see Harry Potter together, but I bet you that him and Tim get back together eventually and we don't hangout anymore. It seems that I've been consoling everyone with their man problems and I don't even have a man. People seem to overlook me as a potential boyfriend. I don't understand it. I've been through almost every relationship problem there is from every angle. I know how to treat a guy and I know what my limits are now and what I want out of life, yet still I am overlooked. I am decent looking. Not ugly in anyway, yet still I am overlooked. I know someday I will meet the man of my dreams, but lately I've been sick at the type of guys I am coming in contact with and lately I feel like I wish I was straight. It just is so much easier. When did it get so hard? When did I start hating myself or the skin that I'm in? I just wish things were so different. I've been observing couples a lot more lately and feeling so jealous. I look at C and part of me wants to cry and another part wants to yell and scream at him. I never really got to tell him what I think of him and sometimes I'm afraid I may just blow up at him. Yesterday M called me he missed someone but he wouldn't tell me who, until finally he said it was Chris. Chris...not me. I just wish one really attractive guy would come up to me and say "You are the most beautiful man I have ever met and it would be an honor if you would go out with me" Well of course everyone wants that to happen. You know like I said I am pretty good at taking what fate throws at me, but when is fate going to be in my corner? I think I have a lot of learning to keep doing. I have come a long way since I started this journal though and I know one day I'll have all I want. I wonder if the man of my dreams is thinking the same thing that I am at this moment.

Twelve years ago I wrote this. Sadly I have no idea who Tim and Mike are nor do I remember if I did see Harry Potter with him and at the same time I was having breakup drama from not one but two guys.  One from NY and one at college in MA. What does that say about me? Back then, I so desperately wanted to be the gay male Felicity. I was living life as if I was on some sort of teen drama. I had no concept of other people's feelings nor did I understand my own. My entire life revolved around the thought of having a boyfriend for the sake of feeling wanted. Things haven't changed much sadly until recently. I had no idea what I was talking about, thinking I knew what I wanted out of life. I have just begun knowing this. I'm embarrassed to say it took me this long to finally begin noticing that I can be dependent upon myself and the thought of meeting the right guy should come second to my own happiness. Having a man in my life would just be the cherry on top of a sundae or actually a cherry in my rum and coke. I can say without reading much into it or jinxing it that fate may have finally taken a turn in my favor and I have met someone that I see great potential in. It's uncomplicated, fun, and there's no need to analyze everything I say or do around him. It's natural and I'm enjoying myself.

I've only finally begun to believe in myself and in the potential I have. Knowing that I should give myself more credit then I typically do. The one belief I still have from back then is the fact that I wont ever stop learning or growing. Every experience I have becomes another brick in what I would consider my internal home. One that currently is missing just a few shutters and a complete roof.

I still stress over the smallest things, but never for long. I think...no I know, that it all comes from my parents and the fact that I am terrified to end up like them. I am terrified of making bad financial decisions, having a husband cheat on me, and looking back on life (as I am sure my mom does) and regretting decisions I have made. I am terrified of dying and never have lived. But too worry about these things everyday only prevents me from living. I struggle with having a no warranty on my life. I want too much out of it.

I was riding the T yesterday and was observing a father with his young daughter. She must have been 9 or 10. The dialogue between the two of them was more like a teacher and student. Everything he said to her was so logical and detailed. For instance, he was discussing with her the fact that he didn't understand why the conductor never tells the passengers how long stand by will be and his daughter responded "Yes father I think that the passengers would appreciate that." He was also telling her where to stand as one part of the train has more stable than another. I mean really....come on. Maybe you had to be there but let the kid be a kid. He was the type of father who would explain to his daughter the dangers of playgrounds instead of letting her play and fall and scrape her knee for herself. Not so much over-protective but so logical then she would never have an imagination.

I used to believe that I had the power to turn street lights green instead of red, that my stuffed animals would protect me from any danger while I was sleeping, that magic was real. I guess I was so angry at this father and daughter discussion because I know, as we all do, just how hard life will get and that eventually our imaginations as children leave and everything becomes maybe just too logical. Every year life just gets maybe a little bit harder and I felt sad for this child. I mean even once in awhile just too keep my childlike indulgences alive, I will stare at an object long enough believing I can make it move. I'm not crazy, clearly I know it will never happen, but it keeps bits and pieces of my childlike behavior alive and we should never lose that.

So 13 years ago I had created a journal that I kept writing in for about 3 years. 112 pages of fights with friends, breakups, crushes, parental issues, death, fears, and times in my life that I will always remember. I went through phases of being grunge and goth. Wearing those dreaded Jnco jeans and thinking I was such a cool punk. Pretending to love anything just because everyone else thought it was cool. You know doing the stupid shit that teenagers do. So finding this journal and reading entries from so many years ago I was happy to know clearly I've grown and can see the world on a much larger scale instead of being so self involved and believing every little thing was the end of the world. Sadly however, I know some people my age who still behave this way. So although most people would say, "Well yea clearly you have grown in 13 years" some people never do.

So there is this internal scale that each one of us must learn to balance. One where we don't let our imaginations perish and we become too rigid and logical vs watching the world around us pass us by because we don't want to face reality. One where we keep hold of our teenage mindsets, the optimism and the "I am untouchable complex" and our vast indulgences in ourselves vs being too self involved and knowing that some things just are the way they are.