Pride

Just about a year ago I started a blog. It began with me wanting to have a voice and evolved into notions regarding truth and honesty. Renewal and forgiveness. Integrity and pride. It has been my catharsis and will continue to be that way, whether I write twice in one week or once a month. It has been my way to cut open my heart and my mind and see all the tiny parts inside that make it beat and feel, think and learn. I wasn't expecting to fix myself, I don't think I necessarily need fixing, however I was trying to learn more about myself through my words and to grow into a better person. I wanted to learn how I operate. Why do I do the things that I do. I was also attempting to allow others into my world and to get to know me and to see who I am as a person. I think I accomplished this, at least to those who were open and willing to get to know me and so if anyone is reading this, Thank you. I still have a long way to go, but I think I am headed in the right direction.

I've learned a lot about myself. For one, It has taken me a long time to get used to the fact that I can't please everyone. Some people will just dislike you but all you have to really worry about is liking yourself, which I am afraid from my observation doesn't happen much in our culture. Body image has gotten a tad out of control and social media hasn't helped much. for instance, Facebook I believe is the devil. It has become our playground for getting recognition from others. No matter how many pictures of yourself you post and how many likes you receive, at the end of the day, if you didn't like yourself before that underwear or gym shot your still not going to like yourself tomorrow. Within the gay culture, the gym has become less about being healthy for one's benefit and more about proving to others just how "masculine" one can be. Fortunately, I wasn't around when being gay meant having to form underground clubs and so happy that after high school doing things just to prove I wasn't a "queer" began to fade. We have come such a long way that it sickens me to see so many gay men in one way or another self-hating themselves. I have body image issues as do most people but I'm not out to prove anything. I have a name, it is Craig. Not Bro or Man. We are incredibly complicated. I mean lately I've been surprised by so many people's behavior to the point where I am stopped dead in my tracks and I think, "really, did that just happen?" I have a fascination with Psychology so maybe I read too much into people's behavior but sometimes I want to ask someone (sometimes by force, with my hands around his or her neck) and say, "What the hell is wrong with you?" Not to say sometimes I say those words to myself now and then, but despite some others I am open to changing myself for the better.

I've learned that I have to do a better job in letting go of the past. I have a hard time accepting that people just come and go out of our lives. Of course there are people that I don't necessarily want to see again but for them to just become a distant memory saddens me. When I become friends with someone, when I am intimate with someone, or when I just have a meaningful conversation with someone they become a part of my being. We learn everyday about ourselves through our interactions with others. What makes me fearful are those who choose not to learn from their bad behavior or are too afraid to make the choices they know are right, for fear of loneliness or judgment. I'm sad knowing there are people I have become close to that I may never see again because I couldn't give them what they wanted or they couldn't give me what I wanted and so we do the inevitable, "maybe I'll see you around" thing.

I've learned that I have fear inside me that goes so deep I lose myself in illusion. I lose myself in what is not real and what I wish could be real. I fear I will never get the things that I want out of life and not leaving a legacy behind, but that goes hand in hand with not letting go of my past, because it's the past that coincidentally blinds us from seeing what can be achieved in our lives. Remaining hopeful is my only remedy to put all of my fears at bay and realizing that I may not get what I want out of life. So many of us don't. That wasn't intended to be pessimistic, but realistic. After all, that saying about making lemonade out of lemons is pretty damn important.

Mostly, I have learned that I matter. That's pride in a nutshell. It's virtue not vanity that keeps our spirit cleansed and what defends us from hating ourselves and each other.