Greatest Story Never Told

The greatest story never told is yours and mine. Each one of us has a story that is worth telling and worth listening too. I love people watching. I can sit outside all day long and just watch people and their interactions with one another. I did the other day actually...I was sitting in the common with my ice pumpkin latte from starbucks, which by the way is amazing and tastes like liquid pumpkin pie....anyways I was sitting there mostly thinking about my life and all the right and wrong choices I have made that have led me to where I am right now. Most people I think would agree that they aren't where they thought they would be exactly, but we just deal with what life has given us. I try to challenge that everyday. I don't want to think about my life in terms of dealing. I'm not willing to accept that. When I am people watching I have a habit of guessing or imagining what his or her life must be like or what they have experienced in their lives. What struggles have they faced, what has brought them happiness, etc. The other day I saw the movie Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close, not only did it bring tears to my eyes, but it made me want to reach out to people and learn more about them. There's so much we can learn from one another and it's so easy how we can be inspired to be better people by listening to someone elses story. I don't really mean to be so sappy but it hurts my heart how cruel people can be to one another without at least getting to know someone first.

The influence other people have on our lives is insane. I admire people who make it a point to have their own voice and aren't afraid to be leaders. People mostly make judgments of others by what they might hear or say not by their own interactions with those people they make judgments of. The last blog I had wrote was due in part by a group of men who even at the age of 30 had the ability to make me feel like I was worth far less more than I really am. What bothered me even more were two out of those people I knew intimately. The fact is I have always A. Made it a point to stick up for people in my life that I care about and B. Speak up when I see or hear something going on that is wrong. I'd like to think that I can impress upon others the importance of open mindedness. I like to also believe that people are inherently good and mean well, but act in unflattering ways due to outside forces.

I feel as though most of my decisions in life have not been entirely ones that I wanted to make for myself but more decisions I have made based on other people's opinions which we all know are usually biased and selfish. Who ends up suffering? Not them. So why do we do that? I'm tired of making other people happy in turn making myself miserable. I've also made certain decisions because I was too insecure to do what I know was right. For awhile I had felt so lonely and felt like there was no one in my life who necessarily needed me. If you have felt that way before you know how scary and worthless it can make you feel. I have such a desire to be needed and wanted and in one moment I reverted back to texting my ex because of all people I know I knew he was someone who I could fall back on. Old reliable. Well what a good slap in the face it was when he basically told me it was my problem not his. I needed that...I needed to hear that bad. When I told my best friend Matt this the other day he said to me, "Well I need you" it was the first time despite my continous pledge to be independent that I realized how self involved I was actually being in a way. Like I was whining..."No one loves me...wah wah wah" I think this self discovery is one that a lot of couples in bad relationships have not come to realize. Everyone is so afraid of being alone they cling to someone that gives them just an ounce of happiness but isn't good for them most of the time.

Coming full circle, if we just learned to be more independent and not let others influence us and realize our own self worth we'd all be better people in the end. What a concept.

Quick snippets of myself: I love rainy days and being caught in the rain..making out in the rain, the smell of rain. I love to cook. Waking up to a chilly room...waking up to a chilly room next to someone. I sleep naked. My favorite show of all time is Buffy the Vampire Slayer. My favorite show now is The Walking Dead. I'm a loud talker....I have no indoor voice. I do and say things entirely too quickly without giving it much thought which gets me in trouble. I'm a klutz. I hate the gym although I tell people I love it. My favorite dessert is cake and ice cream together. I laugh at inappropriate times especially when I am nervous. I get teary eyed when I have to speak up to authority figures. I love love love christmas. I love to cuddle. I love the Fall. I hate Winter. I'm not afraid to say that Ptown is overrated and I'd rather travel somewhere inspiring rather than feel like I need to go to the nearest clinic when I get home. I want children. I want a wedding. I love going to baseball games. I want to travel all over the world. Love to sing in my car. Afraid of karaoke. I spend entirely too much time worrying about other's opinions of myself. My favorite meal is pizza. My favorite comfort food is grilled cheese and tomato soup. I over analyze everything to death. I love bowling. I hate people who are tactless, snobby, close minded and I refuse to be friends with those who are. I'm a bad dancer, but I love to dance. Love to play pool. I speak my mind. Favorite movie is Wizard of Oz. I like making people laugh. I cry at movies all the time. I like having close relationships to my boyfriend's family especially the mom. I hate making promises I can't keep. I want to be in love above anything else. I think people say I love you far too often or not enough at all. Good cook. Love board games. Drinking wine. My favorite thing to do in Boston is go to the Improv Asylum. I love the beach. I'm afraid of roller coasters. I love anything Disney. Good Conversation. I wish I knew how to play the piano. I love volleyball which I also suck at. I hate when I lie just to please others. I love my pugs...miss them :-(. Love lattes and the smell of fresh coffee in the morning. Breakfast in bed. Prefer the night rather than the morning. Love ethnic food...could never date a meat and potatoes guy only. Wish I had a large family. Happy I live in city. Love the T. Love taking road trips. Baking. Being romantic. LOVE horror movies, but afraid of the dark after a horror movie. Kid at Heart. Can get incredibly motion sickness. Can't do a cartwheel.  Much rather spend the day with friends at a bar than go clubbing. Love eating out. I get anxiety during Halloween...not big into dressing up. Will never do drag. I bite my nails a lot. I enjoy going to the dentist. I have a major sweet tooth. Hate making excuses for my behavior. Like romance. Love the feeling of being with someone you can be yourself around. I'm a Celine Dion fan. I'm patient with others. I'm impatient with others. Every now and then I enjoy a good argument. Enjoy a good cry. Miss Saturday Morning Cartoons. I hate wearing ties. Love wearing sweatshirts. I eat peanut butter out of the jar. I hate hurting decent people. I love telling people off who deserve it. I love fast food. I hate fast food. I love camping. I spend entirely too much time saying than doing. Love a good love ballad. The Theater. Enjoy taking care of people when they are sick. Enjoy photography. Never learned how to drive stick or change a tire. Don't know how to ice skate. Afraid of falling. Afraid of heights. Love to swim. Get road rage. My favorite kids book was "Are You My Mother" was obsessed with R.L Stine books in grade school. Love cotton candy. Love water parks. Very intuitive. Afraid of holding new borns. Love bubble gum and blowing bubbles. I talk with food in mouth. I'm afraid of public speaking. My ears get red when I'm sick. My body is disproportionate. I love animals. LOVE puppies and kittens. I want to volunteer in Africa. My biggest fear is never finding my soulmate. Love hot chocalate and apple cider. Love apple picking. My favorite thing to do in NY is go to the Bronx Zoo, Don't miss NY, Love living in Somerville. Love to shop. Love going to the movies. Hate complainers. Can't stand people who take life too seriously. Can't stand people who don't take life serious at all ....

As Honest as I'll Ever Be

It's probably pretty clear, at this point to whomever has read my blogs that I am a highly sensitive and vulnerable person. Tonight, I feel as though it has hit me to the core. I have always felt that being a homosexual was just part of my makeup as a human being and that there are so many other parts to me that make me who I am. I also, have always felt, growing up, that after I came out, I would not only be proud, but I would feel like part of a community. Tonight I realize that that is all bullshit. The only community I have is the one I make myself. Tonight I let people get to me that really have no relevance in my life, but the reason why they got to me is because I always felt as a homosexual we should be better. Better in the fact that so many people want to bring us down and hate us that we should rise above all of that and be better to one another. So why is it I let a group of men who are also gay make me feel as though I am a scared lonely teenager all over again? I wish I could tell you.

I know that I am not perfect. No one is. But I strive to be a good man. Every day that I am able to be on this earth I grow. Every day I try to be a better man, but with that comes the fact that I am open to ridicule and it hurts. For the past 5 or so years I have tried my hardest to fit in in this gay community. I have labeled myself and I have tried to find people that would accept me as part of their own and I have failed. I have allowed people to make feel like I am not good enough. Within those 5 years I have made groups of friends that have come and gone like I was just passing through. Like I was just visiting and it hurts. No one seems to think I am good enough to keep around.  As a teenager I was lonely but I have never felt more lonely that I do today as I try and search deep down in my soul for the man I want to be. At this very second I hate the fact that I can allow people to get deep down inside me and crush me. I drove home tonight with tears running down my face as I kept thinking about tonight and how I have allowed so many people to get under my skin. I allowed people tonight to make me feel as though I was far less superior to them because I felt less attractive, less "popular," and less able to be part of a community.

I know I have shared many personal parts of my life to well everyone and I only wish more people can get as personal as I am. I hate being closed off. I hate that people are so afraid to be who they are. I try so very hard to be as real as I can and I only wish that more people can be that way. So as I lay here ...1:13 in the morning I can only say that I am me. I am a sensitive, caring, highly indestructible, wants to have a family, wants to be married, wants more for myself than I have, cries often, loves life, type of guy and well fuck everyone who tries to make me feel far less superior. I need to rise above it all.

The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear.

NELSON MANDELA
 

I've always been a believer in signs. Whether there is any truth in signs doesn't matter. It's comforting to me. I have a hard time making decisions, but when I am faced with a choice, I always look for signs to guide me in the right direction. I also pray a lot. As a child I used to just pray to God all the time at bedtime and it was mostly when I wanted something. Afterall, I was a child and like most children I was self involved. Funny how some children never seem to grow up..anyways...nowadays I pray to my grandmother since she is the only person I know in heaven, or wherever souls go, that loved me unconditionally. I'm not sure if I would actually call it heaven. The thought of there being a heaven, leads me to believe there is a hell which is quite scary to think about. I prefer to just believe that when we die it isn't the end all for us. I pray to her because I know she would always want what is best for me and she would always lead me in the right direction. The women on my mother's side of the family have always been strong willed and love life and always seem fearless to me. They also live longer.

One Thanksgiving when I was a boy, 11 or 12, my dad went to pick up my grandmother from her senior citizens building in downtown Yonkers. It was a pretty rundown unsafe neighborhood, but my grandmother loved living there and everyone loved her. Before he arrived, she had been mugged waiting for my dad outside. The story is quite comical as the way she told it anway. She was sitting waiting for my father along with an elderly couple when a man came up to her and asked her for some change. As she reached in her purse, he went to grab it, but my grandmother held on to it for dear life and the elderly man began hitting him with his cane as his wife started to yell for help. My grandmother apparently hit him in the face with her diamond ring and he took off, ripping her purse but escaping with nothing. I thought she was so cool after hearing that story. There was another time when she was walking with her girl friend as man had approached her and said he had a gun in his pocket and wanted her money. Her elderly friend who was further up the road yelled out to her, "Betty, what does he want?" My grandmother applied, "I don't know, he says he has a gun." The man ran off probably thinking my grandmother was crazier than he was.

Three things that always reminded me of my grandmother were bingo, rummy, and singapore slings (she loved them). She was a short chubby Italian woman with lots of charisma and very active lifestyle. She used to have men her age pick her up to go out dancing, bingo, etc all the time. She used to take senior citizen buses to Atlantic City all the time as well. Some of my happiest childhood memories are ones where she was around and despite the fact that she is gone, she lived to be 98 years old so I am happy she led such a long life and from the last time I went to visit her in her nursing home, she remembered who I was and would light up when she saw me. I never told her I was gay, but the fact that she would sometimes referred to my ex boyfriend as my special friend pretty much told me she was aware. I think she just wanted me to be happy and I hope she isn't disappointed that I have not settled down yet, though the fact that she left my grandfather because he wasn't good to her makes me think that she would be proud that I have not settled for the wrong guy and that I hold true to the fact that the right guy is still out there for me. I think she would also tell me to stop looking and to take care of myself.

The whole idea of signs reminds me of my grandmother because she has always been a very religious woman and she too believed in signs. Then again she also thought Jesus spoke to her once and that she would be visited by dead family members. I digress. The other day when I was heading into the city to visit my best friend, I was waiting at Porter Square T station when this guy who I used to hook up with when I first moved to Somerville saw me waiting for the T. I avoided eye contact at all costs. This guy and I would hook up but when I asked him out on a date he stopped talking to me. This guy would also have an excuse for never letting me go to his place and would only contact me very late at night, all which led me to believe he had a bf and which I later found out was true, although when I asked him if he did, he flat out told me he didn't. Anyhow the next thing I know he is bolting to the opposite side of the platform, to my far right as if afraid I would notice him and confront him. Though only a week ago he texted me at 2am to say: Hey :-) ... I know what a message like that at 2am means. Anyways...so I'm still waiting for the T when this gorgeous man walks by me and when I check him out from behind I notice he is wearing a crossfit shirt. So I stood there and started laughing because I know how far of a stretch this is but it was so strange to me that to my right was the life I have been leading for years and to my left was the life I want to lead. In essence it was my obsession with boys and dissapointment of..my partying, etc vs what I feel would be a better healthier lifestyle and the latter is what I have chosen to stick with. Again I know how ridiculous this all seems, but in that moment everything seemed pretty fucking clear.

Saying and doing are two things that should go hand in hand but never do. I say a lot of shit most of the time but I never act upon it. I am so afraid of so many things and the thought of going to crossfit actually terrified me, but I went and yea it was terrifying and yea I definitely needed more attention than anyone else in my box, but I really didn't give a shit. To some, the idea of working out in a group setting is a peice of cake, but to me it took a lot of courage and I'm not afraid to admit that. Admitting your fears in my idea is the first step to overcoming them. So despite my fear, I just zoned everyone out besides the trainers and kept going. Like I have said before I have spent too much time worrying about what other people think about me, that I don't allow myself to do anything outside my realm of comfort. I am afraid of failure as I'm sure most people are, but as I get older it gets easier to say, "I don't give a shit." I have noticed that I also like to try and challenge myself and little by little I am doing just that and I will keep on challenging myself until I am satisfied.

Not Dying Today

I'm sitting in bed emotionally drained. As this summer comes to a close I have been able to make an amazing man think I am a jerk, runaway from the one guy I have feelings for, and have a quick fling with a man that led to a very intense fight. My initial reaction the other night driving home from the club was that "I don't want to live in Boston anymore. I really don't. I don't think I am ever going to find the right guy in this god forsaken city. I'm tired of getting picked up by married men or guys that think it is ok to not speak to me for months at a time and then call me at 2am for a booty call...or have men in relationships text me drunk to say how much they wish they were with me. This is all bullshit." Following this little internal spat I had with myself, it was evident that I'm a little obsessed with being in a relationship and I care too much about how others perceive me. People have been telling me this my entire life and I never listen. I spend more time scoping out boys at bars then I do listening to my friends speak. I'm going to listen now. I'm a stellar guy with a great heart who is pretty much tired with the incessant bull shit I keep walking into and therefore I have made the decision to change all of those thoughts that engross my mind into more production and healthy things for myself. Despite its strain on me financially I have joined crossfit and yoga classes. Plus running in the am which is just going to be a strain on my insanity as I am NOT a day person. I'm trying to challenge myself into doing things I have always wanted to do but have been too scared to do it. 

I know that in life we don't always get what we want. This is very clear to me, but most of the time these are things that are always not in our odds, such as winning the lottery or traveling the world. I have to start understanding that our lives are what we make of them and that yes we may not always get what we want out of them but that doesn't mean we have failed. As the amazing Tori Amos says,  You say you're waiting on fate/But I think fate is now/ I think fate is now/ Waiting on us. Well I am certainly not dying today and although there are days and nights where I feel I am accomplishing nothing out of my life, I always have the power to change that. 

Change is something I always welcome, but I am terrified of. The thought of leaving Boston has always crossed my mind and although I laugh at the thought, the more and more I'm thinking I should. Once I've gotten all I can out of my new position at work...a year or two...I'm going to move. Unless of course I meet a wonderful guy then maybe I'll stay...there I go again.  I'm sure my mother would try and guilt trip me into staying. I'm sure my friends would think I was making a big mistake. The fact is I spend more time doing what my friends and family think I should do then anything else. My intuitions are so great why don't I try listening to them when it comes to more than my love life? Why am I so scared of the unknown and doing things in my life that are good for me? It is simple really, despite how courageous I portray myself to be, I am so insecure and I'm afraid of failing. Well babysteps I suppose. The first thing I have the power to control and I want to change is my body and soul. The body part may be physically tougher but the true challenge is the war that goes on inside of myself. It starts tonight.