I have come to the conclusion that many people hold on to pieces of themselves that are just lies. I have always been a believer in the old saying "The truth shall set you free"...well there really is some truth in it although I'll admit I have a very hard time doing that. I'm not good at always telling the truth because I hate hurting people and well sometimes I'm afraid of losing friends whom I have grown to love. On the flip side of that...I have noticed that I am always revealing the truth to people I really do love, even if it may sting a little. I've hurt a few people in my life because I was honest with them and well to myself and despite the fact that it hurt making decisions that caused tears in their eyes, I don't ever want to live a lie. My biggest fear in life is dying alone, but with that, comes the fact that I know from meeting one person just once, that we may be great friends or not...a love interest or not. I want my life to be filled with so much fulfillment, but I want it to all be true. I don't want friends or lovers that are just there to fill a void. My friends know that I well reveal too much about myself...I'm the spokesperson for TMI, but it's just who I am. I look at my closest friends as my family and well I tell my family everything. I'm the same way with who I am dating...Love is not all cuddling, kisses, and great sex...it's fights, tears, and sometimes well messy funny "did that just happen" sex. Once again I have been asked tonight, "Why are you single?" It's because if on date one I have doubts, well I know there is no point in pursuing it further. I did that recently cause I wanted SOOO bad for it too work, but it wasn't there. Also, I want to meet a guy that on date one I feel I can be myself and I feel like I've known them forever. My clumsy, dorky, charming, I sometimes have no idea what I am talking about, can I just hold you all night and not have sex, emotional, self. If someone can accept all of that from me on day one then well they may have a chance. I want a fearless love. One of my favorite feelings in the world was after a long hard week, driving the long distance to see my ex boyfriend. It was like driving through a cold rainstorm in the middle of the night only to see the warmth of a fire and a blanket waiting for me. I want that feeling again. I want someone who can reveal themselves to me. I am a very easy going person and I enjoy making people feel comfortable around me. One of my most favorite lyrics from a song are from a Jewel song, "Yes the heart can hallucinate, when it is completely starved for love." I wish I had created this lyric, I love it so much. Too expand on this I'd say the heart can be shy when the love is open and ready. When we want love so much we grab ahold of people who aren't good for us and yet when it's real we shy away from it. It's a fucked up cycle.
I'm most interested in people who are themselves most of the time. That sounds odd to say, "most of the time" But no one is themselves ALL the time. We are constantly in positions where we adapt to our environment, for whatever purpose, but by doing so we are not being ourselves. I can full heartedly say that most of the time I am...well...myself. Someone asked me last night "What do you want to do, If you could do anything on earth?" Well there are three things: A. Cure Aids B. Help build homes in Africa C. Scuba Dive in the Deep Sea. I'll probably do at least one of those things...maybe two. Can you guess which ones? ;-) I love seeing people happy and like I've mentioned before, I want to leave a great legacy behind. If it can be children...perfect but if not then I want to do something great and inspiring.
The beauty of this world that we live in is that at any moment in time we have the chance to change our path. It's not easy, at least for me. I have such a hard time breaking habits, but it's fun trying. I love waking up in the morning and thinking "fuck yea today I'm going to be different...I'm going to be better" and then I get stuck in traffic, late for work, my coffee is burnt, I miss lunch... BUT sometimes I am better and it feels good. Every time I go to bowling on Wednesday nights, I say to myself, "You're going to break a 200 tonight," I still haven't yet, but I am optimistic about it happening. I'm the same way about everything else in my life.
This Halloween was one of the best I've had. I went to Ptown with two of my close friends and I had a blast. Ended up hanging out with some old friends I hadn't seen in quite some time and that was a big treat. I met some incredible guys, One of whom I really couldn't believe was interested in me. Too beautiful for words, but I just had fun with it and was pleasantly surprised at the end result. All in all it was a great time and it made me realize that I never give myself enough credit and when I just act myself people are more receptive to it then I imagine them to be. So in tradition of it being halloween I notice that when we wear masks we are more ourselves because people can't see who we are, but when we reveal ourselves it's all a facade.
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