The Song in My Heart

My courage has been forged by my friends. Without them I'd be nothing.

Whenever I travel back to NY, I feel like a foreigner. I'm lost. Going to NY for Thanksgiving wasn't easy. It never is. Reality bitch slaps me in the face and stings me for days. My mom is losing her home and is most likely moving to Florida to live with some family we have there. I think, if she only was able to live a more fulfilling life she'd have a different life, but her disability prevents that and there isn't much I can do. Between that and just being in NY, I'm reminded of how lucky I am to be as resilient to hate and hopelessness as I am. What kept me grounded back then and what keeps me grounded now are my friends whom above anything else, I am most thankful for.

Between the hate I dealt with in school and the pain I sometimes feel now in my heart, my friends have always kept me going. They make those down days just a bit easier. I've had a lot of friends throughout the years, some have stuck around and others have sort of vanished into thin air, never to be heard of again, others I feel have betrayed me. I'm a lot harder on myself than I should be. The slightest rejection can make me feel worthless. It's funny how blind one can be when you hope for something so much that you believe you've found it. Rejection comes in a lot of flavors, jobs, dates, yourself etc., but what hurts the most are when people you love and trust, friends, abandon you. I think we've all had friends that we thought would be around forever but whom for some reason or another stop calling and stop wanting to get together to the point when days, weeks, months, years go by and that person becomes a memory. I look at it this way, if I'm with someone I consider my friend they should lift me up and make me feel like I belong. Never the opposite.

I was bullied for years and I came out of it unscathed largely in part by people in my life who I was able to hold on to. Who reminded me to breathe. Through that tumultuous time and into college I met people who I just admire so greatly. I take for granted how lucky I am to have them in my life. You know I always joke to people how I am such a better friend than I am boyfriend and I think that I always say that because I have yet to be in a relationship that is based on true love and honesty. Faith and communication. Understanding and courage. I have that and feel that with my friends. They are there when the relationships go sour. There to make you laugh when all you want to do is cry. There to take your phone away before making drunk calls or texts. There to make you believe in yourself when all you see in the mirror is a body. There to make life worth living.

I walk around knowing that some of my greatest accomplishments involve loving those around me who help me reach beyond myself in times when life just seems too hard.

As much as I love to blog and spill my heart out in words I never mention names. My personal life after all is mine, but these people I am truly thankful for and deserve to be recognized.

Matt, I met you at one of the darkest times in my life. My ex hurt be so bad that I was so lost and broken. I had fallen into a darkness I never wish to feel again and many of my friends seemed to just abandon me. You pulled me through it all. Meeting you was the best thing that has ever happened to me. You are my rock and my best friend and I am forever grateful for you entering my life. You are my brother.

Erin, I've known you forever. From when we dated til watching you create two beautiful children, we never see eachother but I always consider you one of my closest friends. You are the smartest woman I know. I'm so happy you have found love and you are happy. We have shared so many hard times when we were kids and we've also had so crazy times. You have made me laugh til tears have been rolling down my cheeks so many times. I hope one day I have the life you have made for yourself.

Rose, we hated each other when we first met. We used to fight all the time! But as we grew older I think we found a mutual respect for one another and I got to see how strong and beautiful of a person you have become. Like Erin, I am so happy you have found the man you have come to love and have also created two beautiful girls. You and Erin above all of our friends make my time in NY just a little sweeter.

Jill, You were the first person I met in College. Standing there waiting in line with my parents for our computers to be hooked up to the ethernet. lol. I was so scared that my life in Salem would be the same as it had been and you were one of the first to help me realize that wouldn't be that way. We've shared many tears and many laughs. We've fought and we've resolved just to make our friendship stronger. We took many classes together and I enjoyed all of our study dates. I know that as you continue writing the chapters in your life they will only get better and better. You are such a strong woman

Erica, You help ground me. You have such a kind heart and in many ways have come to feel like a sister to me. I'll always have your back and will never think a man is good enough to be with you, but I will like him anyways if he makes you happy :-) It's no surprise you became a nurse, because you have this way about you. The way you speak to people...you just are so good at making things feel not so bad. I'm so grateful to have you in my life...from times when we used to rock out to 80's music in your dorm room...helping you study for A&P, letting you cut my hair...to now when I am freaking out over crazy shit and you always are able to calm be down.

Lisa, I just have to say that if I wasn't a big MO I'd want to date you in a heartbeat. You truly are the kindest soul I have ever met. You radiate love. I'm so grateful for walking by your dorm room and hearing Sarah Mclachlan play and me stopping to say hi to you. If anyone deserves to be happy for the rest of their life, it's you. I've always been so envious of your spirit and how loving your family is. I could never be mad at you even if I tried.

Frank, the more I get to know you the more I am impressed of how loving you are. You have such a big heart and I consider you such a good friend. You have a passion about life I haven't seen in a long time. You just are who you are and I love that quality about you. You know what is important in life, friends and family and you prove to me every time I see you that I can trust you and I am confident we will always remain friends.

Joey, you're like my brotha from another motha lol I see a lot of me in you. You have such a kind heart and you always thrive for your friends to be happy. You also have this resiliency to bull shit that I wish I had. You constantly help remind me to not take things to heart and to just have fun which I do need to be reminded of quite often. I envy the relationship you have to your brother and parents. I will always be your bro and will always have your back.

Jeffy, we sometimes don't always get along, but like brothers we always make up. We are both strong stubborn guys and it's one of the things I do love most about you. You hold true to what you believe in and stick with it. I wish I could be more free spirited as you are. We don't always agree on things but we have a mutual respect for each other and that is what binds a friendship.

To all my friends I love you so much and am always here when you need me. You are the song in my heart.