It's probably pretty clear, at this point to whomever has read my blogs that I am a highly sensitive and vulnerable person. Tonight, I feel as though it has hit me to the core. I have always felt that being a homosexual was just part of my makeup as a human being and that there are so many other parts to me that make me who I am. I also, have always felt, growing up, that after I came out, I would not only be proud, but I would feel like part of a community. Tonight I realize that that is all bullshit. The only community I have is the one I make myself. Tonight I let people get to me that really have no relevance in my life, but the reason why they got to me is because I always felt as a homosexual we should be better. Better in the fact that so many people want to bring us down and hate us that we should rise above all of that and be better to one another. So why is it I let a group of men who are also gay make me feel as though I am a scared lonely teenager all over again? I wish I could tell you.
I know that I am not perfect. No one is. But I strive to be a good man. Every day that I am able to be on this earth I grow. Every day I try to be a better man, but with that comes the fact that I am open to ridicule and it hurts. For the past 5 or so years I have tried my hardest to fit in in this gay community. I have labeled myself and I have tried to find people that would accept me as part of their own and I have failed. I have allowed people to make feel like I am not good enough. Within those 5 years I have made groups of friends that have come and gone like I was just passing through. Like I was just visiting and it hurts. No one seems to think I am good enough to keep around. As a teenager I was lonely but I have never felt more lonely that I do today as I try and search deep down in my soul for the man I want to be. At this very second I hate the fact that I can allow people to get deep down inside me and crush me. I drove home tonight with tears running down my face as I kept thinking about tonight and how I have allowed so many people to get under my skin. I allowed people tonight to make me feel as though I was far less superior to them because I felt less attractive, less "popular," and less able to be part of a community.
I know I have shared many personal parts of my life to well everyone and I only wish more people can get as personal as I am. I hate being closed off. I hate that people are so afraid to be who they are. I try so very hard to be as real as I can and I only wish that more people can be that way. So as I lay here ...1:13 in the morning I can only say that I am me. I am a sensitive, caring, highly indestructible, wants to have a family, wants to be married, wants more for myself than I have, cries often, loves life, type of guy and well fuck everyone who tries to make me feel far less superior. I need to rise above it all.
This is one of the saddest, and truest, accounts of living within the gay community I have ever read. I couldn't help but see myself in your depiction, some 20 years ago, and still identify with your complex inner struggle and blatant disappointment. Your earliest statement is one that is most true: we need to define and create our own community. That I have learned. And my community evolves, and is no longer exclusively homosexual. But that is what feel embracing to me, and if you think about it, isn't that what we always wanted as troubled teens - to have an all-encompassing, wide-spread, "all are welcome" form of community that doesn't define us by our sexual preference? Keep evolving, keep speaking your truth and don't allow those who haven't found the tools to define themselves stand in the way. "It Gets Better" isn't messaging solely for suicidal, bullied teens. It's for anyone like you seeking a place to fit in. The good news? Aging is a good way to gain perspective. Popularity becomes less important. Doing for others becomes more important. And self care becomes most important.
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