I wanted to share this experience with him. I wanted to look back on this trip and say I survived almost two weeks across the world with the man I love. The flights there, despite its length, were a breeze. We slept, watched movies, ate food, and read. I brought two travel guides and a journal. My goal was to create a travel journal, experience everything Thailand had to offer and each night write about it. For Christmas, he had given me a leather bound journal, knowing I loved to write, it meant a lot to me. He listens.
We started out in Bangkok at a beautiful residence that would cost a resident of Thailand a lot of money, but fairly cheap for us. We rode in a tuk tuk to our residence which was thrilling. It's a fast two wheel motorized car that's open in the back. As we sped to our destination, I kept thinking about how lucky I was to be here. A chance of lifetime to experience a place like this and to do it with him. I had begun to let my guard down. It took awhile. When we had first met, I knew he was going to cause me pain. He was only a few years younger than me, but knowing how I was at his age and what pain I caused my ex, I knew this was a bad idea, but I had fallen hard. Throughout our days in Bangkok, we visited museums and the Grand Palace. Grand doesn't describe how amazing this place was. We watched a Muay Thai match which I can only describe in terrible fashion as Boxing meets Martial Arts, took a beautiful night river tour at the floating markets, shopped, ate delicious food, and drank on top of expensive hotels over looking the grandeur of Bangkok that is breathtaking. Things were going splendid, except for the occasional upset stomach, I couldn't have been happier. floating market/river tour was my favorite leg of that part of the trip. It's just a long market on a river with small shops along both sides. The people are friendly and despite having little, they are happy. Their happiness comes from things that matter not material things us Americans have to have. It's grounding.
By the second leg of our trip, Phuket, things started to change. My fears of being with him began once again with no cause but my own. Five of us were relaxing at the pool with a swim up bar when my friend and I noticed two beautiful Australian guys close by. We began making sexual comments about them to each other which caused my bf to get angry. My heart dropped. I was buzzed and feeling good, but I was wrong and I apologized profusely. I thought he would just chime in with us, but he made me feel like a god awful bf. It was one of the first times I had seen him angry so I was taken back. We let it go.
Thai New Year (Songkran) was upon us. I didn't know much about the festivities, but part of the celebration involves a water festival. It's a time where people roam the streets with anything they can carry water in, buckets, water guns, cups, whatever and everyone gets soaked. SOOOO much fun. With it being as hot and humid as it was, I didn't mind. We couldn't leave the resort without getting wet. How much fun to carry a super soaker around and be able to go up to random people and just spray them down. The best were just the random groups of beautiful Thai women trying to coax men inside for massages, meanwhile holding pales of water, sneaking up behind you, and dumping it over your head. One night we found a gay bar and the Thai boys that worked there went to great lengths to get you to buy drinks. They were feminine and friendly, sitting on your lap, flirting, all the while just trying to obviously get you to buy more. As it got darker, the streets became more crowded. My friends seemed less enthusiastic to join in on the fun as they had been here multiple times, but for me I felt like I was back in Yonkers playing Manhunt with my super soaker, hunting down my friends in the neighborhood. My bf and I met a few very hot and very friendly foreigners, some from Britain, Australia, Brazil, all over the world and we all just drank, made friends, and acted like kids.
"I have to use the bathroom," my boyfriend said to me as I was hiding behind a wall about to sneak up on someone and get them wet. By now we were drenched anyway, my t-shirt and shorts sticking to me. All I said to him was, "Ok" and get playing. Soon, I started to worry. He hadn't comeback. My friends didn't know where he was, at least they didn't seem to know where he was. I began to panic. I went into the bathroom, he wasn't there. I looked all over the bar, the street, he was nowhere. I walked a few blocks down to our resort thinking maybe the bathrooms were so gross he went back to our room. He wasn't there. I started to get visions of me having to talk to police, calling his mom, and telling her he's gone. I was buzzed and maybe was over-reacting, but I was legitimately scared. On my way back to the bar, he was walking towards me with a look of concern and frustration. At me? I don't know. I hugged him and began to cry. "Where the hell were you?" I asked him. "I told you I was in the bathroom, " he said. "I was sick, was in a stall."
My friends were acting strange as if they knew something I didn't. I had that awful feeling you get when you know everyone is not telling you something. I let it pass. People were dancing and I joined in and then I turned my head to this Brazilian guy and he was grinning at me. Not a "You're cute" grin, it was as if he had done something behind my back, like he was an enemy of mine and he had one up on me. When we got back to our room, things felt different between us. I knew something had happened. I have very good intuitions when I'm in a relationship with someone. I know when things are wrong. Then it hit me and I didn't want ask him for fear I was wrong, but I didn't think I was. Was that grin saying, "Ha ha, I just hooked up with your bf?" "Did you mess around with that Brazilian guy?" I blurted out. He looked at me with anger and concern, but behind his "How dare you think I would do that" face, was guilt. I apologized for even thinking it, because I wanted it out of my mind. I was in Thailand and despite the despair I started to feel, I didn't want my accusation to ruin our trip whether I was right or not. By the last leg of our trip in Koh Phi Phi, I felt more and more distant from him. I put on a façade of being happy but inside I knew that when we got home something was going to change. He was trying to hard and that's how I knew he had done something with that guy even if he denied it. He even kept singing that Kelly Clarkson song, "I Don't Hook Up," all the time, which the psychology minor in me was a sign right there he felt guilty FOR hooking up.
On our plane ride home, I replayed that guy's grin over and over in my head. maybe he did think I was cute and maybe I was being that overprotective jealous guy I vowed I'd never be. He went to great lengths to prove his innocence. Even telling his parents. "Craig, tell them how you thought I cheated on you while we were there?" I was mortified. But as spring was leaving the weather got warmer things got worse and we began to fight. We were at the beach with his friends and he got hammered and began spouting how I had more experience with men and he didn't. Made me feel like a terrible guy because all I got him was a card for his birthday, even though I had just spent thousands on our trip. Each time, that night or the next morning he would sob and apologize and I would forgive him because I loved him so much. But he stopped telling me he loved me when I would drive him home and I knew it was only time. Then one night after having dinner with friends, gushing over how wonderful my bf was, I invited him over and he declined. He never did before. I did what any paranoid, love sick, crazy bf would do and I went through great lengths to catch him trying to hook up with someone on Manhunt. The same site he messaged me on to say hello. The site he had blocked me from seeing his profile to make me believe he had deleted his.
My world was over. We spoke that night and he broke up with me. I was stupidly trying to fix us, but he no longer seemed to want or need me. A day or two after, we had remained friends on Facebook and I saw his number of friends had increased greatly. All men. All men, including the Brazilian and finally he had come clean about hooking up with him that night. Not just hooking up but actually exchanging information to keep in touch.
Love makes you do crazy things and I learned a lot about myself and the man I wanted to be. I had never been more hurt. I became depressed. Left work early because I couldn't function, stopped eating, cried all the time, and became to him, a crazy ex who he had no use for. Looking back I laugh at how stupid I was. Using every excuse to see him again only to beg my cheating bf to take me back. I went from sad to angry in an instant. One minute wanting him to be mine again and the next plotting devious things to do to him like taking naked pics he had sent me and printing them and placing them where he worked...to contacting his mother and telling her own manipulative her precious son was and letting her know all the shocked things he had done to me. I went CRAZY.
It was on my trip to DC to visit a friend, attempting to recover from this heartbreak that I found out that within two weeks of him breaking up with me, he had a new bf. I sobbed in the street, dumbfounded. What?! I felt useless, unworthy of being loved, and alone. I never had experienced heartbreak before and that is how I knew I really had loved him and yet now I hated him and didn't think it was fair he was happy and I was devastated. I told my ex, who I had still lived with at the time, just how sorry I was for all the terrible things I had done to him, because if he had felt anything like I was feeling at that time, I deserved so much more shame and punishment. To add insult to injury, everywhere I went, even in Yonkers to escape my life in Boston, I ran into people who knew him and thought he was such a wonderful adorable guy. It was comical in a way, like WTF.
All those friends I had made. All the men I thought I was so close to, I began to hear little from anymore. It was to the point that they were just acquaintances to me. Nothing more. I was dying inside. I started seeing a therapist, as I began sleeping with men just to feel something. It didn't matter whether I thought they were attractive, they thought I was attractive and so just to feel wanted I slept with them only to hate the person I was after. It was one of the darkest times in my life and yet now when I put it in prospective, I realized all it was, was giving too much power to another individual. I let another person dictate my happiness. It took while to trust again, but it happened. Years have past and although there has still been more heartbreak I've learned to make wiser decisions and the payoff has been amazing. It was an experience I needed to have to make me learn about trusting others, patience, and above all knowing what it means to be a friend and that I am capable of loving someone completely, but within that love learning to not lose myself in the process.
Thursday, December 19, 2013
Friday, December 13, 2013
Dating Disasters: Every Rose Has a Thorn
Part I
I sat in the middle of the Boston Common with my laptop out staring at a blank page trying to find words that would change his mind. I looked around at the crowds of people enjoying the weather and I hated their smiles. I resented them for being happy and yet desperately hoped a stranger would see how empty inside I was and just let me cry on their shoulder. I desperately needed to find the right words, as if, as he read my letter, something would strike him so powerful he would come back to me, crying and apologizing and I'd forgive him as I had before, because at the time having him falsely love me was better than watching him move on without me....
After my car accident and one last attempt at a relationship with my ex that still didn't work out, I decided it was time I stopped searching for a bf and try to meet some gay men in Boston to be friends with, rather than hookup with or date. I had received a very large settlement that changed my life. I was able to pay off debt, live comfortably, and buy a car. I felt like I was able to actually have a real life and not be confined to my home which with my current salary I could hardly afford. Up until that point, I had no gay friends and I felt alone. Everyone I knew had busy schedules and families and lived far away and I was envious seeing crowds of gay men together enjoying "the scene" and envious that I felt like I was still an outsider in a community I belonged to and fought so hard to get to. It wasn't long before I met some wonderful guys who I became close to and I had finally realized how stupid I was for letting my fascination with having a bf dictate my happiness. Time went by where I was the happiest. Going out drinking, taking trips, gossiping, finally feeling free and for the most part complete. Then it happened. I had received a message on manhunt, a site I had stopped using but never closed completely for those late night urges... There he was, this beautiful young guy with charm and intelligence from what I could gather by is non-sexual, unforceful yet direct message to me that I was unfamiliar to receiving. We chatted for a bit and despite my better judgment I decided to go on a date with him. He, like an unpredicted storm, moved in fast and furious and clouded all of my clarity and I thought, it's just a date.
He was late. I stood outside in the cold, waiting for him to arrive. Fall was leaving us and the unwelcoming chill of winter had made its approach. Typically, I'd say screw this and leave, but he finally showed and had valid excuses and looked even more beautiful in person with an "I'm sorry" face that could make you believe somehow whatever it was that he did wrong could be forgiven. That night, he invited me back to his place and we laid on his bed and talked and fooled around and I thought to myself, "slow down...he's younger, probably doesn't want what you want, and you know he's going to break you." I swept those thoughts under the rug because there was no chance my mind and my gut were going to catch up to the way my heart felt for him just from that first night. We decided I should go, because although we both wanted each other, we knew if I spent the night, it may just end up being a one night stand. It was a first for me.
We were walking through Boston Common when the first snow fall began. It was heavy and we were freezing yet we were on a Santa bar crawl I had agreed to participate in with him and his friends and so the heat between us and the alcohol made me stop us dead in our tracks. That is where I asked him to be mine and from that point on I felt like there was nothing that could tear the complete and utter happiness I was feeling inside of me. "He's a keeper, do not fuck this up," one of my friends said to me the night I decided he should meet them. "There is no way I'm letting him go," I thought to myself. I knew at that point that this was what true love feels like. All those clichés, all those sappy love stories we all love to watch, every all consuming, vomit worthy, "walking on air" moment I was feeling it for him. I would do anything for him. I feared meeting his family, his friends, anyone or thing that might have influence over him to make him decide I wasn't the right one for him. His friends and I, thankfully got along and I had one of the best New Years ever with them and him. By Christmas, he met my family and It wasn't long after I met his family and became so envious of his family life. The good relationship he had with his sister, whom despite her friendliness made me feel inadequate financially. His well off parents, who also were very nice, but yet I always felt I was under a microscope. His mother especially made me feel as though I wasn't good enough for her son, yet still offered me kindness and I could tell she knew I was trying. My brother and I did not get along, my parents were separated and both broke, and I was envious of his family to be able to support him. But despite all of that, I was his and I would earn their trust, because I needed to. To them, their cherished son and to me his starry-eyed boyfriend, he was perfect.
He began to call me his husband, it was a joke of course, but he made me believe that he was so in love with me that I was the man he wanted to spend the rest of his life with. I, of course, DID want to spend the rest of my life with him. I spent every waking moment trying to find ways to make him happy, because one thing he made me learn about real love is, you know you truly love someone when you put their happiness above yours. He made me learn a lot about real love and I am thankful for that. One night he said to me as he began to choke up, "You have done things no one has ever done for me" and I could have died happy in that moment. In my mind, I thought "No, I wish I could do more." But he seemed satisfied with "us" and I was elated that he chose me.
One day I received a message from two of my friends telling me they were taking a trip to Thailand and they wanted me to come and to invite my bf as well. Before my accident, I couldn't go to a cheap B&B let alone to another part of the world, but I had the money too and although that settlement was quickly shrinking I wasn't about to let an opportunity like this pass me by and there was no way I was going to leave without having him by my side. He agreed.
Little did I know that was when the storm began to move in and my world was about to be destroyed....
I sat in the middle of the Boston Common with my laptop out staring at a blank page trying to find words that would change his mind. I looked around at the crowds of people enjoying the weather and I hated their smiles. I resented them for being happy and yet desperately hoped a stranger would see how empty inside I was and just let me cry on their shoulder. I desperately needed to find the right words, as if, as he read my letter, something would strike him so powerful he would come back to me, crying and apologizing and I'd forgive him as I had before, because at the time having him falsely love me was better than watching him move on without me....
After my car accident and one last attempt at a relationship with my ex that still didn't work out, I decided it was time I stopped searching for a bf and try to meet some gay men in Boston to be friends with, rather than hookup with or date. I had received a very large settlement that changed my life. I was able to pay off debt, live comfortably, and buy a car. I felt like I was able to actually have a real life and not be confined to my home which with my current salary I could hardly afford. Up until that point, I had no gay friends and I felt alone. Everyone I knew had busy schedules and families and lived far away and I was envious seeing crowds of gay men together enjoying "the scene" and envious that I felt like I was still an outsider in a community I belonged to and fought so hard to get to. It wasn't long before I met some wonderful guys who I became close to and I had finally realized how stupid I was for letting my fascination with having a bf dictate my happiness. Time went by where I was the happiest. Going out drinking, taking trips, gossiping, finally feeling free and for the most part complete. Then it happened. I had received a message on manhunt, a site I had stopped using but never closed completely for those late night urges... There he was, this beautiful young guy with charm and intelligence from what I could gather by is non-sexual, unforceful yet direct message to me that I was unfamiliar to receiving. We chatted for a bit and despite my better judgment I decided to go on a date with him. He, like an unpredicted storm, moved in fast and furious and clouded all of my clarity and I thought, it's just a date.
He was late. I stood outside in the cold, waiting for him to arrive. Fall was leaving us and the unwelcoming chill of winter had made its approach. Typically, I'd say screw this and leave, but he finally showed and had valid excuses and looked even more beautiful in person with an "I'm sorry" face that could make you believe somehow whatever it was that he did wrong could be forgiven. That night, he invited me back to his place and we laid on his bed and talked and fooled around and I thought to myself, "slow down...he's younger, probably doesn't want what you want, and you know he's going to break you." I swept those thoughts under the rug because there was no chance my mind and my gut were going to catch up to the way my heart felt for him just from that first night. We decided I should go, because although we both wanted each other, we knew if I spent the night, it may just end up being a one night stand. It was a first for me.
We were walking through Boston Common when the first snow fall began. It was heavy and we were freezing yet we were on a Santa bar crawl I had agreed to participate in with him and his friends and so the heat between us and the alcohol made me stop us dead in our tracks. That is where I asked him to be mine and from that point on I felt like there was nothing that could tear the complete and utter happiness I was feeling inside of me. "He's a keeper, do not fuck this up," one of my friends said to me the night I decided he should meet them. "There is no way I'm letting him go," I thought to myself. I knew at that point that this was what true love feels like. All those clichés, all those sappy love stories we all love to watch, every all consuming, vomit worthy, "walking on air" moment I was feeling it for him. I would do anything for him. I feared meeting his family, his friends, anyone or thing that might have influence over him to make him decide I wasn't the right one for him. His friends and I, thankfully got along and I had one of the best New Years ever with them and him. By Christmas, he met my family and It wasn't long after I met his family and became so envious of his family life. The good relationship he had with his sister, whom despite her friendliness made me feel inadequate financially. His well off parents, who also were very nice, but yet I always felt I was under a microscope. His mother especially made me feel as though I wasn't good enough for her son, yet still offered me kindness and I could tell she knew I was trying. My brother and I did not get along, my parents were separated and both broke, and I was envious of his family to be able to support him. But despite all of that, I was his and I would earn their trust, because I needed to. To them, their cherished son and to me his starry-eyed boyfriend, he was perfect.
He began to call me his husband, it was a joke of course, but he made me believe that he was so in love with me that I was the man he wanted to spend the rest of his life with. I, of course, DID want to spend the rest of my life with him. I spent every waking moment trying to find ways to make him happy, because one thing he made me learn about real love is, you know you truly love someone when you put their happiness above yours. He made me learn a lot about real love and I am thankful for that. One night he said to me as he began to choke up, "You have done things no one has ever done for me" and I could have died happy in that moment. In my mind, I thought "No, I wish I could do more." But he seemed satisfied with "us" and I was elated that he chose me.
One day I received a message from two of my friends telling me they were taking a trip to Thailand and they wanted me to come and to invite my bf as well. Before my accident, I couldn't go to a cheap B&B let alone to another part of the world, but I had the money too and although that settlement was quickly shrinking I wasn't about to let an opportunity like this pass me by and there was no way I was going to leave without having him by my side. He agreed.
Little did I know that was when the storm began to move in and my world was about to be destroyed....
Tuesday, November 26, 2013
Dating Disasters: Crash, Bam, Boom!
I almost died September 3, 2007. A crash that shut down route 9 in Newton, MA and caused me to be out of work for a month.
I had just broken up with my ex right after we had just purchased a condo together. Actually we had broken up right before we signed the papers and it made for a very awkward closing. I was emotionally drained, broke, and everything all in all looked pretty bleak. My brother was gracious enough to move in with me and help keep me from going under financially and once I felt like I had gotten my bearings I thought I might as well start dating again. You see, up until recently I was perpetually dating just to fill a void. I don't know if it was loneliness, boredom, or sport…maybe a combo of all three. I never gave myself pause. I don't give myself time to heal and give myself time to think about what I actually want rather than what I feel I need from what others have. Instead, I just rush into the dating pool without testing the waters. No matter how deep or how cold that pool may be I just dive right in. I'm a serial dater or rather I was a serial dater. I'll admit it. There is however something to say about a boy who leads an optimistic view on dating and falling in love. With all the crap that is out there at least I continuously allowed myself to fall in love and it's paid off.
Prior to my frequent visits with Grindr and then Scruff, I was meeting men on match.com and manhunt. Whether it be for sex, short term dating, love, whatever I was on every site you could name. Well not every…just well a lot. All these sites advertise a specific focus, but whether you are looking on Match for love or Manhunt for sex there are relatively all the same men on these sites. I did meet some interesting people. Some I remain friends with, some who I had really great conversations with, Some who lied about themselves whether it be their age, relationship status, or job status. One who made me think I may end up at the bottom of the Charles River and who tried to prevent me from leaving his house, OH! and my "straight" married next door neighbor who recognized me on Manhunt and who wanted to come over, drink beer, and mess around "discreetly." Nevertheless, one night I began chatting with this guy who I was moderately attracted too and who seemed fairly normal. I look for signs all over the place. Something that could give me hope I'm on the right track. When he told me his birthday was January 22 and he was born in the year 1982, I was speechless. For those who don't know me well that is the day, month, and year I was born as well. So I thought, why not go on a date with a man who was born the exact day as me. I think if it wasn't for this fact I probably wouldn't have gone out with him, but thought that maybe when I met him there would be a spark having something to do with our birthdays. *I'm rolling my eyes as I type this* Signs…what a crock.
It was too be a very chill date. A mall date. Walk around, chat, have lunch, etc. He picked me up at my condo. I didn't invite him upstairs because my condo still looked like an old woman had vacated there. Pink wall paper and blue carpeting. ICK! I also didn't invite him upstairs because then he probably would think I wanted to mess around before we even got to know each other and it isn't because I HAVEN'T done that before…it's because well I just didn't find him that attractive and didn't want him to think I liked him that much. There was no spark. I've never been one to cut a date short, but I may have if I had taken my own car. I'm the type that will sit through a grueling dinner pretending to be interested just to be kind meanwhile I am thinking "I don't care…I can't believe I have to pay for this fucking dinner…stop talking.. shut up shut up….what do I have on DVR to watch…I hope he offers to pay, I'm not dropping a shit load of money for this...stop talking" I'm sure some guys I have gone on dates with have felt that way about be…I'm being cruel. I'll stop. Just being truthful is all.
We drove in his Volkswagen Jetta to the Chestnut Hill Mall and made small talk the whole way. I had never been before and I love checking out new malls. I love malls. Too bad I never made it in…
I woke up in a hospital bed at Beth Israel. Nothing made much sense. I wasn't startled just exhausted and annoyed because all I could hear was the sound of another patient, an old man, in my room yelling at the nurse because he was too cold. Then he began bitching because he wanted sugar and clearly couldn't have any for whatever reason. I turned and rolled my eyes at the nurse and made a look like, "I'm sorry you have to deal with this type of shit, but I'll be less needy, and well it is a bit drafty in here"… Then I remember having to pee and painfully getting up to use the bathroom, trying to close my gown from behind so as to not show whomever was in my room my bare ass….. Then I remember being visited by my friend Erica and my parents sitting next to me… Then I vaguely remember being let out of the hospital and crawling into my ex's bed with my dogs beside me...I remember taking a trip to the grocery store to get Italian ices because that's all I wanted to eat… then as I began weaning off my drugs I thought HOLY SHIT! I was on a date! Is he dead! I should be at work! I have a mortgage! OMG my face is REALLY messed up and I look emaciated! OMG no one will ever want to date me now! Why am I with my Ex?! I'm in a lot of fucking pain!!!! What happened!
A woman lost control of her car, gone airborne, and completely ripped through my date's vehicle. I mean seriously turned it into a convertible. I had suffered from tons of lacerations to the face, I had a bleed in my brain, a broken nose, and a fractured lumbar spine. When my brother showed up at the hospital, I was on a gurney with a cloth over my face and he started freaking out thinking I was dead. It all sounds bad but I was lucky. Very lucky. I should have been decapitated. I seriously have no idea how her vehicle didn't just tear my head straight off, but it didn't and I miraculously survived with no remembrance of the accident and vague memories of my time in the hospital. All I have are eyewitness accounts of what happened, pictures a journalist had taken, and a bunch of scars that remain.
Once I began remembering things, I reached out to my date who had many injuries as well but was also very lucky. He wanted to try and go out again and I said no thanks. He was pissed at me and started going off on me. Guess I sort of dodged a bullet there, you know despite my near death experience. but seriously after actually HAVING a near death experience with someone on a first date and the fact that we were born on the same day and could have possibly died on the same day…I really think seeing him again would have not been wise. Just saying. Not long after, my ex and I got back together, he moved into the condo and my brother moved out, I collected a large settlement, and things were good for awhile between him and I. Apparently I was asking my parents to get in touch with him a lot while in the hospital and being the nice guy he is, he took it upon himself to take care of me. I remember one night I tried to mess around with him and he said no, that he was only taking care of me because he loved me, but wanted nothing more. I was really taken back by that but I deserved it. I was a terrible bf to him. Once I was healed, I was determined to get him back and eventually it happened but so it goes…if it doesn't work the first time it most likely won't work out a second time but worth a try nonetheless. We remained living together for years as just friends which was hard at first but worked out fine.
I was on A LOT of heavy pain meds and made no sense half the time when I was speaking to people. I don't remember having any visitors or talking on the phone to those who called to check on me. It warmed my heart seeing all the get well cards and just knowing so many people were concerned. I guess I made a call to my boss and told him I was in an accident but it was no big deal and I would be returning to work in several days. In reality, I ended up being out of work for about a month. I also apparently told my parents a lot about my sexual past including the fact that not soon after my ex and I broke up I had sex with a man who failed to tell me he was HIV positive and I was apparently afraid I had it too and didn't want them taking my blood in the hospital. Not that I wouldn't date someone who was HIV positive, but we hadn't been safe and I failed to ask his status and he failed to tell me. My dad began to regularly call me from NY and would always somehow find a way to bring up, in conversation, safe sex, which was highly embarrassing but very sweet and thoughtful of him.
Much of how I act today, including my maturity, my decisions, my direction have a lot to do with people I have dated, been in love with, and the disasters that have come from many many dates I have been on. I plan on writing about them from time to time.
I had just broken up with my ex right after we had just purchased a condo together. Actually we had broken up right before we signed the papers and it made for a very awkward closing. I was emotionally drained, broke, and everything all in all looked pretty bleak. My brother was gracious enough to move in with me and help keep me from going under financially and once I felt like I had gotten my bearings I thought I might as well start dating again. You see, up until recently I was perpetually dating just to fill a void. I don't know if it was loneliness, boredom, or sport…maybe a combo of all three. I never gave myself pause. I don't give myself time to heal and give myself time to think about what I actually want rather than what I feel I need from what others have. Instead, I just rush into the dating pool without testing the waters. No matter how deep or how cold that pool may be I just dive right in. I'm a serial dater or rather I was a serial dater. I'll admit it. There is however something to say about a boy who leads an optimistic view on dating and falling in love. With all the crap that is out there at least I continuously allowed myself to fall in love and it's paid off.
Prior to my frequent visits with Grindr and then Scruff, I was meeting men on match.com and manhunt. Whether it be for sex, short term dating, love, whatever I was on every site you could name. Well not every…just well a lot. All these sites advertise a specific focus, but whether you are looking on Match for love or Manhunt for sex there are relatively all the same men on these sites. I did meet some interesting people. Some I remain friends with, some who I had really great conversations with, Some who lied about themselves whether it be their age, relationship status, or job status. One who made me think I may end up at the bottom of the Charles River and who tried to prevent me from leaving his house, OH! and my "straight" married next door neighbor who recognized me on Manhunt and who wanted to come over, drink beer, and mess around "discreetly." Nevertheless, one night I began chatting with this guy who I was moderately attracted too and who seemed fairly normal. I look for signs all over the place. Something that could give me hope I'm on the right track. When he told me his birthday was January 22 and he was born in the year 1982, I was speechless. For those who don't know me well that is the day, month, and year I was born as well. So I thought, why not go on a date with a man who was born the exact day as me. I think if it wasn't for this fact I probably wouldn't have gone out with him, but thought that maybe when I met him there would be a spark having something to do with our birthdays. *I'm rolling my eyes as I type this* Signs…what a crock.
It was too be a very chill date. A mall date. Walk around, chat, have lunch, etc. He picked me up at my condo. I didn't invite him upstairs because my condo still looked like an old woman had vacated there. Pink wall paper and blue carpeting. ICK! I also didn't invite him upstairs because then he probably would think I wanted to mess around before we even got to know each other and it isn't because I HAVEN'T done that before…it's because well I just didn't find him that attractive and didn't want him to think I liked him that much. There was no spark. I've never been one to cut a date short, but I may have if I had taken my own car. I'm the type that will sit through a grueling dinner pretending to be interested just to be kind meanwhile I am thinking "I don't care…I can't believe I have to pay for this fucking dinner…stop talking.. shut up shut up….what do I have on DVR to watch…I hope he offers to pay, I'm not dropping a shit load of money for this...stop talking" I'm sure some guys I have gone on dates with have felt that way about be…I'm being cruel. I'll stop. Just being truthful is all.
We drove in his Volkswagen Jetta to the Chestnut Hill Mall and made small talk the whole way. I had never been before and I love checking out new malls. I love malls. Too bad I never made it in…
I woke up in a hospital bed at Beth Israel. Nothing made much sense. I wasn't startled just exhausted and annoyed because all I could hear was the sound of another patient, an old man, in my room yelling at the nurse because he was too cold. Then he began bitching because he wanted sugar and clearly couldn't have any for whatever reason. I turned and rolled my eyes at the nurse and made a look like, "I'm sorry you have to deal with this type of shit, but I'll be less needy, and well it is a bit drafty in here"… Then I remember having to pee and painfully getting up to use the bathroom, trying to close my gown from behind so as to not show whomever was in my room my bare ass….. Then I remember being visited by my friend Erica and my parents sitting next to me… Then I vaguely remember being let out of the hospital and crawling into my ex's bed with my dogs beside me...I remember taking a trip to the grocery store to get Italian ices because that's all I wanted to eat… then as I began weaning off my drugs I thought HOLY SHIT! I was on a date! Is he dead! I should be at work! I have a mortgage! OMG my face is REALLY messed up and I look emaciated! OMG no one will ever want to date me now! Why am I with my Ex?! I'm in a lot of fucking pain!!!! What happened!
A woman lost control of her car, gone airborne, and completely ripped through my date's vehicle. I mean seriously turned it into a convertible. I had suffered from tons of lacerations to the face, I had a bleed in my brain, a broken nose, and a fractured lumbar spine. When my brother showed up at the hospital, I was on a gurney with a cloth over my face and he started freaking out thinking I was dead. It all sounds bad but I was lucky. Very lucky. I should have been decapitated. I seriously have no idea how her vehicle didn't just tear my head straight off, but it didn't and I miraculously survived with no remembrance of the accident and vague memories of my time in the hospital. All I have are eyewitness accounts of what happened, pictures a journalist had taken, and a bunch of scars that remain.
Once I began remembering things, I reached out to my date who had many injuries as well but was also very lucky. He wanted to try and go out again and I said no thanks. He was pissed at me and started going off on me. Guess I sort of dodged a bullet there, you know despite my near death experience. but seriously after actually HAVING a near death experience with someone on a first date and the fact that we were born on the same day and could have possibly died on the same day…I really think seeing him again would have not been wise. Just saying. Not long after, my ex and I got back together, he moved into the condo and my brother moved out, I collected a large settlement, and things were good for awhile between him and I. Apparently I was asking my parents to get in touch with him a lot while in the hospital and being the nice guy he is, he took it upon himself to take care of me. I remember one night I tried to mess around with him and he said no, that he was only taking care of me because he loved me, but wanted nothing more. I was really taken back by that but I deserved it. I was a terrible bf to him. Once I was healed, I was determined to get him back and eventually it happened but so it goes…if it doesn't work the first time it most likely won't work out a second time but worth a try nonetheless. We remained living together for years as just friends which was hard at first but worked out fine.
I was on A LOT of heavy pain meds and made no sense half the time when I was speaking to people. I don't remember having any visitors or talking on the phone to those who called to check on me. It warmed my heart seeing all the get well cards and just knowing so many people were concerned. I guess I made a call to my boss and told him I was in an accident but it was no big deal and I would be returning to work in several days. In reality, I ended up being out of work for about a month. I also apparently told my parents a lot about my sexual past including the fact that not soon after my ex and I broke up I had sex with a man who failed to tell me he was HIV positive and I was apparently afraid I had it too and didn't want them taking my blood in the hospital. Not that I wouldn't date someone who was HIV positive, but we hadn't been safe and I failed to ask his status and he failed to tell me. My dad began to regularly call me from NY and would always somehow find a way to bring up, in conversation, safe sex, which was highly embarrassing but very sweet and thoughtful of him.
Much of how I act today, including my maturity, my decisions, my direction have a lot to do with people I have dated, been in love with, and the disasters that have come from many many dates I have been on. I plan on writing about them from time to time.
Friday, October 25, 2013
The "F" Word
I had this wish to move away (again) to a new city. Chicago, San Francisco, wherever...I thought, "How great would it be to go to a new city and start over." A clean blank slate where no one can assume things about you from what they hear from others, make more friends, create completely new routines for myself. The problem with all of this is we seem to be destined to repeat bad habits and if that was the case then I would be worse off because my friends would be far away and I would feel lonelier than I did years ago. What I've learned is too make the most of what I have been given right in front of me. I mean at this time in my life things are good, but for years they weren't. I've battled lots of demons from internal ones to others whom I cared about. If there is one thing I will teach my children some day is that people will always come in to your life who we think we can trust but sometimes they fail to meet our expectations and can sometimes leave us with nothing but sadness BUT it makes us stronger and with every hardship that comes into our lives we have the capacity to fight through it and come out the other side. I'm sorry if I sound like a preacher but these are words to live by.
There are two sides to everyone and I'm no different. I have been hurt a lot by many people, largely because I can be naïve at times and trust too easily. I have hurt people too though and I'm sorry for any pain I may have caused them. It's important to look back on our lives and try to begin to fix the cracks in our soul. Things we need to change and in order to do that it's important to forgive even if someone says they are sorry but you know deep down there sorrys are shit. I've done terrible things to good people in my life and sure I can say it's because I was young, drunk, whatever but deep down it's just because I was selfish and didn't care. Just own it. I wish more people could do that. Just own up to your faults and if you REALLY do want to be different then try harder and don't be a coward to take responsibility for your actions. Most importantly forgive yourself. We may be perfect in the eyes of those who love us, but we are human and make mistakes, no one's protected from that.
One of the things that we do as humans that makes me so angry is to make assumptions about people just because of things we may have heard about them from others. Rather than making our own opinions based off of interactions we have had with them we are so quick to judge. There have been times when I have lost friends all because someone told them things about me that were false or blown way out of proportion. I made peace with the situation by figuring they weren't good friends to begin with.
The darkest time of my life was a break-up I had with the first person I really truly loved. It seriously left me in ruin. I was cheated, manipulated, and left feeling empty. I spent days not eating, crying just about everywhere, even making poor decisions to try and win them back somehow. Doing things so beneath me and so despairing all because I felt it was better to be with someone who didn't love me than being without them. I even went to therapy for it because I had lost not just them but friends as well and I needed someone to talk to. This person asked for forgiveness 3 years later, but despite my acceptance I didn't believe it. Like I said no matter how low we feel we have the ability to heal though. Forgive to help yourself not to help them. You would think that this experience would wake me up and I'd make better choices but I didn't because old habits die hard and I kept falling back into the same routine. It takes more than an experience to change you. You have to want it. It's like when you wake up with a bad hangover and say your never going to drink again but yet you do. Even if that drunkenness caused you to do something even dumber you'll probably do it again until you finally decide for yourself it just isn't worth it. That's when your soul gives you the push you need to make changes in yourself.
Someone recently told me they loved reading my blogs but thought they were always so serious. I thanked him and told him that I could write tons of funny stupid shit in my blog, but I could facebook status that as well. I'd much rather be deep or just write about experiences in my life that have caused me to reflect because those are the important things that matter in my world. I can't grow if I don't reflect and by reflecting I can weigh my choices, good and bad on a scale and if the good outweighs the bad I can forgive myself for the times I was a piece of shit and hope that every day I make better choices.
There are two sides to everyone and I'm no different. I have been hurt a lot by many people, largely because I can be naïve at times and trust too easily. I have hurt people too though and I'm sorry for any pain I may have caused them. It's important to look back on our lives and try to begin to fix the cracks in our soul. Things we need to change and in order to do that it's important to forgive even if someone says they are sorry but you know deep down there sorrys are shit. I've done terrible things to good people in my life and sure I can say it's because I was young, drunk, whatever but deep down it's just because I was selfish and didn't care. Just own it. I wish more people could do that. Just own up to your faults and if you REALLY do want to be different then try harder and don't be a coward to take responsibility for your actions. Most importantly forgive yourself. We may be perfect in the eyes of those who love us, but we are human and make mistakes, no one's protected from that.
One of the things that we do as humans that makes me so angry is to make assumptions about people just because of things we may have heard about them from others. Rather than making our own opinions based off of interactions we have had with them we are so quick to judge. There have been times when I have lost friends all because someone told them things about me that were false or blown way out of proportion. I made peace with the situation by figuring they weren't good friends to begin with.
The darkest time of my life was a break-up I had with the first person I really truly loved. It seriously left me in ruin. I was cheated, manipulated, and left feeling empty. I spent days not eating, crying just about everywhere, even making poor decisions to try and win them back somehow. Doing things so beneath me and so despairing all because I felt it was better to be with someone who didn't love me than being without them. I even went to therapy for it because I had lost not just them but friends as well and I needed someone to talk to. This person asked for forgiveness 3 years later, but despite my acceptance I didn't believe it. Like I said no matter how low we feel we have the ability to heal though. Forgive to help yourself not to help them. You would think that this experience would wake me up and I'd make better choices but I didn't because old habits die hard and I kept falling back into the same routine. It takes more than an experience to change you. You have to want it. It's like when you wake up with a bad hangover and say your never going to drink again but yet you do. Even if that drunkenness caused you to do something even dumber you'll probably do it again until you finally decide for yourself it just isn't worth it. That's when your soul gives you the push you need to make changes in yourself.
Someone recently told me they loved reading my blogs but thought they were always so serious. I thanked him and told him that I could write tons of funny stupid shit in my blog, but I could facebook status that as well. I'd much rather be deep or just write about experiences in my life that have caused me to reflect because those are the important things that matter in my world. I can't grow if I don't reflect and by reflecting I can weigh my choices, good and bad on a scale and if the good outweighs the bad I can forgive myself for the times I was a piece of shit and hope that every day I make better choices.
Tuesday, September 10, 2013
From the Ground Up
I've finally given myself permission to be happy. It's a refreshing feeling. I went for a run the other day. I never run. I hate it actually. My gym was closing early so I thought what am I going to do to feel like I've done something. I ran. Not far, but far enough. Anyway, I was running and I just started thinking about things that have been happening in my world lately. Good things and I just began to smile and that smile turned into laughter. Onlookers would have assumed I was nuts, but how wonderful it felt to just laugh. Just because. I had given myself permission to be happy. It's a liberating feeling and you know I don't think many people take advantage of this gift that has been given to us. Truly being happy. I'm not there yet but I am on the right path, I think.
We create our own happiness. It's taken me awhile to realize this. I mean I've had my share of fun and I've paved the road that is my life and within that road I caused a lot of tears and I was a selfish asshole many times. I take full responsibility for any pain I have caused anyone. It's a hard pill to swallow really, acknowledging that you were the cause of someone's pain at some point or another. Some people, those who have narcissistic tendencies blame the world for their troubles. Nothing is their fault. I strongly believe that we have the choice to reclaim our happiness.
I haven't accomplished much in life. I'm a quitter. I cringe when I say that. Actually I should say I used to be a quitter. When something becomes to hard I quit. More importantly when I feel I am not good enough at something I quit. There's a difference. I quit student teaching, I quit relationships, I quit applying for potential job opportunities, I quit silly competitions all because I am afraid of failing. Little by little I'm learning my potential and it is greater than I give myself credit for and even if I fail, guess what? I'll be ok. Ah...that feels good to know. And it's as if a veil has been lifted and I'm seeing things clearer. I am not just realizing what matters most but I'm realizing that I can accept those things and go with it. I used to destroy things in my life that were good...I protected things that were bad. Why do we do that? I think it's because we don't give ourselves permission to just be who we are and be happy. I don't mean the everyday mundane satisfaction of our lives, but to truly be happy. Also, to stop doing what you expect others want from you. I have seen less of many of my friends because a lot of our relationships consisted of going to nightclubs and drinking and well I just don't care to do those things any more. There was a time when I used to be upset if I wasn't invited out now I'd rather stay home with wine and DVR. Things in my life are becoming so much simpler. Josh has helped out a lot with that. Before he met me he led a very simple life. He worked, he gardened, he worked out. That was pretty much it. Not that he still doesn't do those things, but now that he is dating a city boy I've opened him up to a lot of things, but how good does it feel to visit him in his country home and just do nothing but sit by a fire and enjoy the peace and quiet. It's glorious. He says to me that I am wonderful. That I am his idea of perfect. That's scarier than anything, I think. I hope I can live up to his idea of me but then again it's easy when you're with someone with a heart as beautiful as his. I don't know when the switch happened, but everything I once thought I wanted I don't want anymore. I just want to someday be a good husband and father. A good friend. And above all...good to myself. Deserving.
I've begun challenging every bit of myself and it's fucking scary. Joining crossfit and realizing that there is a bit of an athlete inside of me. I'm doing things I never thought I could do out of fear. All those things you're afraid to do in HS, I'm doing them and then some. Allowing myself to be consumed by love again. SCARY. Realizing that I control my choices and from the ground up I'm building a new world for myself that's simple, uncomplicated, and easy. I'm excelling in my job and I don't feel "stuck" anymore. I used to dwell so much in the past. Relishing in failed relationships and in my other own failures. Consumed by wrong choices I have made. Constructing a false reality for myself because I wasn't aware of my own potential. I feel like a seed beginning to sprout its roots. Holding on to the ground, yet growing unafraid of the perils that could be ahead. I think if we all put our lives under a microscope we'd see alot of crap there that we wouldn't want to see and we'd be too afraid to fix. Fear just fucks everything up. It comes in so many ugly forms and prevents us, well me at least, from going that extra mile so to speak.
I'm tired of being afraid.
We create our own happiness. It's taken me awhile to realize this. I mean I've had my share of fun and I've paved the road that is my life and within that road I caused a lot of tears and I was a selfish asshole many times. I take full responsibility for any pain I have caused anyone. It's a hard pill to swallow really, acknowledging that you were the cause of someone's pain at some point or another. Some people, those who have narcissistic tendencies blame the world for their troubles. Nothing is their fault. I strongly believe that we have the choice to reclaim our happiness.
I haven't accomplished much in life. I'm a quitter. I cringe when I say that. Actually I should say I used to be a quitter. When something becomes to hard I quit. More importantly when I feel I am not good enough at something I quit. There's a difference. I quit student teaching, I quit relationships, I quit applying for potential job opportunities, I quit silly competitions all because I am afraid of failing. Little by little I'm learning my potential and it is greater than I give myself credit for and even if I fail, guess what? I'll be ok. Ah...that feels good to know. And it's as if a veil has been lifted and I'm seeing things clearer. I am not just realizing what matters most but I'm realizing that I can accept those things and go with it. I used to destroy things in my life that were good...I protected things that were bad. Why do we do that? I think it's because we don't give ourselves permission to just be who we are and be happy. I don't mean the everyday mundane satisfaction of our lives, but to truly be happy. Also, to stop doing what you expect others want from you. I have seen less of many of my friends because a lot of our relationships consisted of going to nightclubs and drinking and well I just don't care to do those things any more. There was a time when I used to be upset if I wasn't invited out now I'd rather stay home with wine and DVR. Things in my life are becoming so much simpler. Josh has helped out a lot with that. Before he met me he led a very simple life. He worked, he gardened, he worked out. That was pretty much it. Not that he still doesn't do those things, but now that he is dating a city boy I've opened him up to a lot of things, but how good does it feel to visit him in his country home and just do nothing but sit by a fire and enjoy the peace and quiet. It's glorious. He says to me that I am wonderful. That I am his idea of perfect. That's scarier than anything, I think. I hope I can live up to his idea of me but then again it's easy when you're with someone with a heart as beautiful as his. I don't know when the switch happened, but everything I once thought I wanted I don't want anymore. I just want to someday be a good husband and father. A good friend. And above all...good to myself. Deserving.
I've begun challenging every bit of myself and it's fucking scary. Joining crossfit and realizing that there is a bit of an athlete inside of me. I'm doing things I never thought I could do out of fear. All those things you're afraid to do in HS, I'm doing them and then some. Allowing myself to be consumed by love again. SCARY. Realizing that I control my choices and from the ground up I'm building a new world for myself that's simple, uncomplicated, and easy. I'm excelling in my job and I don't feel "stuck" anymore. I used to dwell so much in the past. Relishing in failed relationships and in my other own failures. Consumed by wrong choices I have made. Constructing a false reality for myself because I wasn't aware of my own potential. I feel like a seed beginning to sprout its roots. Holding on to the ground, yet growing unafraid of the perils that could be ahead. I think if we all put our lives under a microscope we'd see alot of crap there that we wouldn't want to see and we'd be too afraid to fix. Fear just fucks everything up. It comes in so many ugly forms and prevents us, well me at least, from going that extra mile so to speak.
I'm tired of being afraid.
Monday, June 24, 2013
How to Survive Facebook
Facebook. I remember a time when in order to find out what was going on in someone's life you had to hangout or call them. This was also the time when people on average had friends in single or double digits. I mean friends not people whose status you might "like" just to keep that small piece of thread you have attached to one another held together or the status you might "like" just to hope that they see that you liked his or her status and they contact you cause maybe it's someone you have been crushing on for quite sometime. Nowadays we are "friends" with people we may never actually meet or ever hangout with. Some people will add just about everyone just to see that number grow and grow. I mean seriously, does this fill some kind of void in your life? Does having 1500 or 2000 "friends" make you feel complete? We all know people who do this and we all know most of the time we confirm them. I don't know if you're like me, but if someone friends me and doesn't follow through with a "Hi thanks for the add...we know so and so...we met at a party...we had sex last night"...blah blah blah most likely I'll delete you if there is never any form of contact, unless of course you're really cute then sure why not. So if you're one of those people I suggest you find other means of communicating with people. Some people on rare occasion may think that you having thousands of friends is pretty cool, but many are probably talking behind your back and think you're either really full of yourself or are really lonely. Maybe you're just one of those lucky people who is just so popular you are still friends with people in high school, college, have a really large family, and work at a large company where you're so well liked your co-workers all want to be your friend too. Secretly they are just checking on how many hours your clocked in on facebook rather than doing work and are complaining about you at lunch about how you do nothing but hangout on facebook. If this is the case, before you lose your job and then are doing real internet stuff like job searching try and check facebook twice. Once in the morning and once at night. I don't think you'll have missed much.
Facebook. If you ever enjoyed being friends with someone and then focused on their status updates, pictures, etc. sometimes you're left with this sad feeling of regret for ever friending them in the first place. Facebook has a way of bringing out the worst in people, very rarely the best. I've known people that I may have once dated or just was friends with and then after seeing their facebook statuses I think "damn are they that full of themselves?" "Do they really hate the world that much?" "Do they have self esteem issues?" "Do they have any idea that their rant may sound really smart in his or her head, but makes them look foolish and crazy?" If you think you are one of these people, before you post that pic or status, think about it a little more. Think..."am I doing this just to get attention?" You know you've sometimes posted a status just to see how many likes you're going to get. We are all guilty of it. I post pictures of food I cook sometimes. Does anyone really give a shit that I made risotto in a pumpkin or baked a cake for someone. NO. Does anyone want to see your vacation pictures in the Caribbean while they are at work and it's 20 degrees out? Doubt it. But it feels good to get recognition for things. I mean come on who doesn't like it when their birthday arrives and you are constantly checking to see how many happy birthday messages you received. NOW remember those 2,000 people you are friends with...how many said happy birthday? hmmm. If you are one of THESE people, my suggestion is take it for what it is...people said happy birthday to you that's great. Concentrate on going out with the people that actually matter and enjoy yourself. Don't let a program dictate how you feel from day to day.
Facebook. Very bad for relationships. If you're one of those people who is constantly checking your girlfriend or boyfriend's facebook page and are constantly noticing how many new friends they add you may be driving yourself crazy or maybe you're on to something. Either way paranoia will settle in and can severely damage a relationship. I once dated a guy who after we broke up friended at least 30 men and one of those men happened to be a man I suspected he cheated on me with from another country. Sometimes facebook can reveal the truth about people. My advice is if you decide you want to remain friends with someone you were in a relationship with and you know you will constantly be obsessing over who they friend, waiting for the dreaded "in a relationship" status update, checking every new photo they post, then maybe you should see a therapist and hide them so you can't see their posts anymore that way you can have the comfort of knowing you are still "friends" but don't have to worry about every time you sign on seeing something that may ruin your day. Maybe you're at the beginning stages of seeing someone and one day you get an alert on your phone saying that person has friended you. OH SHIT! You frantically sign on and check everything on your page before friending them. If you do this then maybe you need to reevaluate some of your actions or STOP! If you have to go and edit your facebook page for fear they may see something you don't want them to see then you're not being yourself and that's shitty. It's the same as first impressions within first dates. Stop trying to act like someone you are not. I'm a klutz and I one time spilt a beer on my date. I was horrified, but after we stopped seeing each other and his true colors came out I should have smashed him with the bottle. The point is be yourself on a first date...I am. If I am on a date with someone I just be my klutzy, dorky, This is who I am...take it or leave it self...it's the same with facebook. I once hid a blog just because I was afraid it would make me look crazy. Then I thought so what! If I look crazy and they don't like it then I know they weren't meant to be with me. Also, if you do add this person and then you obsess over how many people they friended at once whom all happen to be of the sex you know they date then maybe the guy or girl you like is a big HO and you are just one of many. Truthfully, watch out for this. Most, not all, of the time you really just are one guy or girl out of many.
Facebook. It's a playground for Obsession. Anger. Depression. Envy. Unemployment. Facebook really isn't the place to go and rant about how much you hate your boss or a co-worker. Sometimes you may forget your friends with one of them. Ooops. Sometimes you may start talking shit about someone and then realize uhoh they were on that thread. It's like texting. Have you ever texted the wrong person before? I once hooked up with this guy, he was so beautiful, except his err male parts were pretty tiny. On my way home I do what many people do (at least I think they do and text there bestfriend about it) may be I just do that and I have an issue...anyways the conversation went like this:
Craig: OMG I just hooked up with the hottest guy *sends pic*
Matt: Wow he is hot
Craig: Right! His dick was really small though
Hookup guy: LMAO Ummm I don't think that was meant for me.
The HORROR. Anyways think before you do anything on facebook. I mean right now I could sound like a total hypocrite by writing this crazy blog entry but it's meant to be funny haha...no there is some truth in all of this. Facebook can be really cool if used with caution. Don't rant. Don't obsessively post pictures of yourself. Don't stay friends with exes if you know you're going to drive yourself crazy. If you want to show the world how happy you are with your friends, loved ones, boyfriend or girlfriend...that's awesome, but sometimes it can be hard for others to be really happy for you when you have something they want. It turns into a nananana :-p look what I have thing. But what do we do we "like it" because that's what we are supposed to do.
Happy Facebooking
Facebook. If you ever enjoyed being friends with someone and then focused on their status updates, pictures, etc. sometimes you're left with this sad feeling of regret for ever friending them in the first place. Facebook has a way of bringing out the worst in people, very rarely the best. I've known people that I may have once dated or just was friends with and then after seeing their facebook statuses I think "damn are they that full of themselves?" "Do they really hate the world that much?" "Do they have self esteem issues?" "Do they have any idea that their rant may sound really smart in his or her head, but makes them look foolish and crazy?" If you think you are one of these people, before you post that pic or status, think about it a little more. Think..."am I doing this just to get attention?" You know you've sometimes posted a status just to see how many likes you're going to get. We are all guilty of it. I post pictures of food I cook sometimes. Does anyone really give a shit that I made risotto in a pumpkin or baked a cake for someone. NO. Does anyone want to see your vacation pictures in the Caribbean while they are at work and it's 20 degrees out? Doubt it. But it feels good to get recognition for things. I mean come on who doesn't like it when their birthday arrives and you are constantly checking to see how many happy birthday messages you received. NOW remember those 2,000 people you are friends with...how many said happy birthday? hmmm. If you are one of THESE people, my suggestion is take it for what it is...people said happy birthday to you that's great. Concentrate on going out with the people that actually matter and enjoy yourself. Don't let a program dictate how you feel from day to day.
Facebook. Very bad for relationships. If you're one of those people who is constantly checking your girlfriend or boyfriend's facebook page and are constantly noticing how many new friends they add you may be driving yourself crazy or maybe you're on to something. Either way paranoia will settle in and can severely damage a relationship. I once dated a guy who after we broke up friended at least 30 men and one of those men happened to be a man I suspected he cheated on me with from another country. Sometimes facebook can reveal the truth about people. My advice is if you decide you want to remain friends with someone you were in a relationship with and you know you will constantly be obsessing over who they friend, waiting for the dreaded "in a relationship" status update, checking every new photo they post, then maybe you should see a therapist and hide them so you can't see their posts anymore that way you can have the comfort of knowing you are still "friends" but don't have to worry about every time you sign on seeing something that may ruin your day. Maybe you're at the beginning stages of seeing someone and one day you get an alert on your phone saying that person has friended you. OH SHIT! You frantically sign on and check everything on your page before friending them. If you do this then maybe you need to reevaluate some of your actions or STOP! If you have to go and edit your facebook page for fear they may see something you don't want them to see then you're not being yourself and that's shitty. It's the same as first impressions within first dates. Stop trying to act like someone you are not. I'm a klutz and I one time spilt a beer on my date. I was horrified, but after we stopped seeing each other and his true colors came out I should have smashed him with the bottle. The point is be yourself on a first date...I am. If I am on a date with someone I just be my klutzy, dorky, This is who I am...take it or leave it self...it's the same with facebook. I once hid a blog just because I was afraid it would make me look crazy. Then I thought so what! If I look crazy and they don't like it then I know they weren't meant to be with me. Also, if you do add this person and then you obsess over how many people they friended at once whom all happen to be of the sex you know they date then maybe the guy or girl you like is a big HO and you are just one of many. Truthfully, watch out for this. Most, not all, of the time you really just are one guy or girl out of many.
Facebook. It's a playground for Obsession. Anger. Depression. Envy. Unemployment. Facebook really isn't the place to go and rant about how much you hate your boss or a co-worker. Sometimes you may forget your friends with one of them. Ooops. Sometimes you may start talking shit about someone and then realize uhoh they were on that thread. It's like texting. Have you ever texted the wrong person before? I once hooked up with this guy, he was so beautiful, except his err male parts were pretty tiny. On my way home I do what many people do (at least I think they do and text there bestfriend about it) may be I just do that and I have an issue...anyways the conversation went like this:
Craig: OMG I just hooked up with the hottest guy *sends pic*
Matt: Wow he is hot
Craig: Right! His dick was really small though
Hookup guy: LMAO Ummm I don't think that was meant for me.
The HORROR. Anyways think before you do anything on facebook. I mean right now I could sound like a total hypocrite by writing this crazy blog entry but it's meant to be funny haha...no there is some truth in all of this. Facebook can be really cool if used with caution. Don't rant. Don't obsessively post pictures of yourself. Don't stay friends with exes if you know you're going to drive yourself crazy. If you want to show the world how happy you are with your friends, loved ones, boyfriend or girlfriend...that's awesome, but sometimes it can be hard for others to be really happy for you when you have something they want. It turns into a nananana :-p look what I have thing. But what do we do we "like it" because that's what we are supposed to do.
Happy Facebooking
Thursday, June 6, 2013
Pride
Just about a year ago I started a blog. It began with me wanting to have a voice and evolved into notions regarding truth and honesty. Renewal and forgiveness. Integrity and pride. It has been my catharsis and will continue to be that way, whether I write twice in one week or once a month. It has been my way to cut open my heart and my mind and see all the tiny parts inside that make it beat and feel, think and learn. I wasn't expecting to fix myself, I don't think I necessarily need fixing, however I was trying to learn more about myself through my words and to grow into a better person. I wanted to learn how I operate. Why do I do the things that I do. I was also attempting to allow others into my world and to get to know me and to see who I am as a person. I think I accomplished this, at least to those who were open and willing to get to know me and so if anyone is reading this, Thank you. I still have a long way to go, but I think I am headed in the right direction.
I've learned a lot about myself. For one, It has taken me a long time to get used to the fact that I can't please everyone. Some people will just dislike you but all you have to really worry about is liking yourself, which I am afraid from my observation doesn't happen much in our culture. Body image has gotten a tad out of control and social media hasn't helped much. for instance, Facebook I believe is the devil. It has become our playground for getting recognition from others. No matter how many pictures of yourself you post and how many likes you receive, at the end of the day, if you didn't like yourself before that underwear or gym shot your still not going to like yourself tomorrow. Within the gay culture, the gym has become less about being healthy for one's benefit and more about proving to others just how "masculine" one can be. Fortunately, I wasn't around when being gay meant having to form underground clubs and so happy that after high school doing things just to prove I wasn't a "queer" began to fade. We have come such a long way that it sickens me to see so many gay men in one way or another self-hating themselves. I have body image issues as do most people but I'm not out to prove anything. I have a name, it is Craig. Not Bro or Man. We are incredibly complicated. I mean lately I've been surprised by so many people's behavior to the point where I am stopped dead in my tracks and I think, "really, did that just happen?" I have a fascination with Psychology so maybe I read too much into people's behavior but sometimes I want to ask someone (sometimes by force, with my hands around his or her neck) and say, "What the hell is wrong with you?" Not to say sometimes I say those words to myself now and then, but despite some others I am open to changing myself for the better.
I've learned that I have to do a better job in letting go of the past. I have a hard time accepting that people just come and go out of our lives. Of course there are people that I don't necessarily want to see again but for them to just become a distant memory saddens me. When I become friends with someone, when I am intimate with someone, or when I just have a meaningful conversation with someone they become a part of my being. We learn everyday about ourselves through our interactions with others. What makes me fearful are those who choose not to learn from their bad behavior or are too afraid to make the choices they know are right, for fear of loneliness or judgment. I'm sad knowing there are people I have become close to that I may never see again because I couldn't give them what they wanted or they couldn't give me what I wanted and so we do the inevitable, "maybe I'll see you around" thing.
I've learned that I have fear inside me that goes so deep I lose myself in illusion. I lose myself in what is not real and what I wish could be real. I fear I will never get the things that I want out of life and not leaving a legacy behind, but that goes hand in hand with not letting go of my past, because it's the past that coincidentally blinds us from seeing what can be achieved in our lives. Remaining hopeful is my only remedy to put all of my fears at bay and realizing that I may not get what I want out of life. So many of us don't. That wasn't intended to be pessimistic, but realistic. After all, that saying about making lemonade out of lemons is pretty damn important.
Mostly, I have learned that I matter. That's pride in a nutshell. It's virtue not vanity that keeps our spirit cleansed and what defends us from hating ourselves and each other.
I've learned a lot about myself. For one, It has taken me a long time to get used to the fact that I can't please everyone. Some people will just dislike you but all you have to really worry about is liking yourself, which I am afraid from my observation doesn't happen much in our culture. Body image has gotten a tad out of control and social media hasn't helped much. for instance, Facebook I believe is the devil. It has become our playground for getting recognition from others. No matter how many pictures of yourself you post and how many likes you receive, at the end of the day, if you didn't like yourself before that underwear or gym shot your still not going to like yourself tomorrow. Within the gay culture, the gym has become less about being healthy for one's benefit and more about proving to others just how "masculine" one can be. Fortunately, I wasn't around when being gay meant having to form underground clubs and so happy that after high school doing things just to prove I wasn't a "queer" began to fade. We have come such a long way that it sickens me to see so many gay men in one way or another self-hating themselves. I have body image issues as do most people but I'm not out to prove anything. I have a name, it is Craig. Not Bro or Man. We are incredibly complicated. I mean lately I've been surprised by so many people's behavior to the point where I am stopped dead in my tracks and I think, "really, did that just happen?" I have a fascination with Psychology so maybe I read too much into people's behavior but sometimes I want to ask someone (sometimes by force, with my hands around his or her neck) and say, "What the hell is wrong with you?" Not to say sometimes I say those words to myself now and then, but despite some others I am open to changing myself for the better.
I've learned that I have to do a better job in letting go of the past. I have a hard time accepting that people just come and go out of our lives. Of course there are people that I don't necessarily want to see again but for them to just become a distant memory saddens me. When I become friends with someone, when I am intimate with someone, or when I just have a meaningful conversation with someone they become a part of my being. We learn everyday about ourselves through our interactions with others. What makes me fearful are those who choose not to learn from their bad behavior or are too afraid to make the choices they know are right, for fear of loneliness or judgment. I'm sad knowing there are people I have become close to that I may never see again because I couldn't give them what they wanted or they couldn't give me what I wanted and so we do the inevitable, "maybe I'll see you around" thing.
I've learned that I have fear inside me that goes so deep I lose myself in illusion. I lose myself in what is not real and what I wish could be real. I fear I will never get the things that I want out of life and not leaving a legacy behind, but that goes hand in hand with not letting go of my past, because it's the past that coincidentally blinds us from seeing what can be achieved in our lives. Remaining hopeful is my only remedy to put all of my fears at bay and realizing that I may not get what I want out of life. So many of us don't. That wasn't intended to be pessimistic, but realistic. After all, that saying about making lemonade out of lemons is pretty damn important.
Mostly, I have learned that I matter. That's pride in a nutshell. It's virtue not vanity that keeps our spirit cleansed and what defends us from hating ourselves and each other.
Wednesday, May 8, 2013
Paris
Just about everyone warned me that it was too soon to go on a vacation with someone I had only been dating a couple of months. My first thought was the same, but who in their right mind would turn down a trip to Paris and with a man whom I find so incredibly sexy. Every time I'm single it's the same routine. I tell my friends I'm going to take time off from dating followed by a few rolled eyes from them and then a week later I am back on some stupid site talking to a bunch of guys hoping this time I'll meet someone worth my time. This is of course while I am on countless dates that you just wish you could get out of. There's always one guy in particular who I speak to that I always feel is out of my league and I begin chopping myself down. There was one time I took this guy on a date and spent over 100.00 on dinner just to impress him and never heard from him again, which would have been fine if he hadn't expressed to me after how much of a great time he had followed by a pretty hot make out session. I'm naïve I suppose. In Paris, we went out to a few gays bars one night and a guy was going on and on about how hot he thought I was. His friend then asked him as I was buying a drink (Rhum et Coca), "Do you like him?" His response was, "Hell No."
So to be dating someone who I once again felt was too good for me and to have him ask me to go to Paris with him was a dream. I had spent the last three months trying to do everything right that I began to lose myself. I got so wrapped up in trying to be perfect for someone that I forgot the whole point of being with someone, worth being with, is that there shouldn't be any work involved. I struggle with such body issues that I sometimes cannot comprehend why some guys want to be with me which is what I felt like with him. Nothing is more valuable in this world than realizing your own self worth. Unlike other things in this world, it's something that cannot be taken away from you at least not if you don't allow it to. No one should ever have that much power over you that you question your self worth. There were times in bed when he would look at me so intensely and I thought to myself, what does he see that I can't? It is also those times prior to our trip that I miss.
Some people have no time for love. I don't understand this. When everything fails in life, if I have the love of someone, than I am completely at peace. I really don't see how anything can be more valuable in life than knowing that there is one person out there capable of putting out all of your fears and insecurities. Someone who you know when they look at you they see all the beauty in the world.
I imagined romantic strolls through the city, getting lost in its beauty. Paris is the perfect city to get lost in. Behind every corner is another café, statue, or park to experience. I imagined kissing on bridges and sharing fatty delicious pastries. Getting caught in the rain. I imagined disappearing into the lights at night and drifting away to the sound of soft guitar strings and violins, smelling sweet crepes on my journey. But within this fantasy was the hard smack of reality. I wasn't living in a fantasy. I was on a trip with a man whom I'm still getting to know and whom may not have shared the same fantasies that I had.
We got into a lot of spats and probably would have gotten into more if I hadn't kept my mouth shut. It was always "what are we doing today, where are we eating, how are we getting there..." There is a right time and place to sometimes say how you really feel and being in a foreign city with someone whom you are sharing this experience with was not the time to burst out in tears and say WTF! Why are you making this trip that I have always wanted to take with someone I care about so unromantic? Why are you making me feel dumb and completely inadequate? Where is the man that I've been excited to see every weekend for the past three months? I felt it was better to just agree and do what was suggested.
At one point during our trip we visited not only the Louvre but also a much smaller museum called Musee de l'Orangerie where I had the opportunity to get lost in Monet's painting Les Nympheas or Water Lilies. It was mesmerizing. I felt like I could have dived right into the painting and taken a swim. I could have floated alone in the water at night smelling flowers and listening to only the sound of crickets and running water with only the light of the moon and the stars above me. Just like this painting, from far away, everything becomes clear, so was my realization that it was possible I was fooling myself in thinking him and I wanted the same things or just that RIGHT NOW I wanted those things alone.
There is that saying that a picture is worth a thousand words but a picture can also be misleading. When I returned home everyone said, "It looks like you had a wonderful time." And yes, some times were wonderful, but other times, I may have been smiling in a photo, but really I was on the verge of breaking down. Was my trip entirely ruined? Absolutely not. I'm pretty good at reading people and despite the times it was evident we weren't going to last. There were times when I wanted to just freeze time and stay in a moment just a little bit longer. Every kiss, touch, gesture that made me feel I was his made my heart beat faster and I was proud that I was with him. What I take from this trip and most importantly this short relationship is that I don't give myself enough credit and I have got to stop chopping myself down and thinking some people are out of my league.
I also have to learn how to be alone and be happy. It gets harder and harder giving away my heart hoping this time it'll be the last time only to have to start from scratch time and time again. There are bridges in Paris over the Seine River that are covered in locks from lovers symbolizing their everlasting love. I wondered, as I gazed through the swarm of locks, how many of these relationships were still alive and how many should be unlocked and fall into the bottom of the river never to be seen again? It is a pessimistic thought but one that I couldn't help thinking as I began to feel that once again I was in a relationship with the wrong guy. I also giggled to myself considering here I was in the most romantic city in the world and I am feeling this way. Should I just not go on a vacation with a bf anymore since everyone in the past 5 years have all ended afterwards?
But as they say in French C'est la vie. After all I am thankful for the chance to have seen so much and I am thankful for the moments with him that caused me to smile so hard that my face hurt. I am thankful for Paris.
So to be dating someone who I once again felt was too good for me and to have him ask me to go to Paris with him was a dream. I had spent the last three months trying to do everything right that I began to lose myself. I got so wrapped up in trying to be perfect for someone that I forgot the whole point of being with someone, worth being with, is that there shouldn't be any work involved. I struggle with such body issues that I sometimes cannot comprehend why some guys want to be with me which is what I felt like with him. Nothing is more valuable in this world than realizing your own self worth. Unlike other things in this world, it's something that cannot be taken away from you at least not if you don't allow it to. No one should ever have that much power over you that you question your self worth. There were times in bed when he would look at me so intensely and I thought to myself, what does he see that I can't? It is also those times prior to our trip that I miss.
Some people have no time for love. I don't understand this. When everything fails in life, if I have the love of someone, than I am completely at peace. I really don't see how anything can be more valuable in life than knowing that there is one person out there capable of putting out all of your fears and insecurities. Someone who you know when they look at you they see all the beauty in the world.
I imagined romantic strolls through the city, getting lost in its beauty. Paris is the perfect city to get lost in. Behind every corner is another café, statue, or park to experience. I imagined kissing on bridges and sharing fatty delicious pastries. Getting caught in the rain. I imagined disappearing into the lights at night and drifting away to the sound of soft guitar strings and violins, smelling sweet crepes on my journey. But within this fantasy was the hard smack of reality. I wasn't living in a fantasy. I was on a trip with a man whom I'm still getting to know and whom may not have shared the same fantasies that I had.
We got into a lot of spats and probably would have gotten into more if I hadn't kept my mouth shut. It was always "what are we doing today, where are we eating, how are we getting there..." There is a right time and place to sometimes say how you really feel and being in a foreign city with someone whom you are sharing this experience with was not the time to burst out in tears and say WTF! Why are you making this trip that I have always wanted to take with someone I care about so unromantic? Why are you making me feel dumb and completely inadequate? Where is the man that I've been excited to see every weekend for the past three months? I felt it was better to just agree and do what was suggested.
At one point during our trip we visited not only the Louvre but also a much smaller museum called Musee de l'Orangerie where I had the opportunity to get lost in Monet's painting Les Nympheas or Water Lilies. It was mesmerizing. I felt like I could have dived right into the painting and taken a swim. I could have floated alone in the water at night smelling flowers and listening to only the sound of crickets and running water with only the light of the moon and the stars above me. Just like this painting, from far away, everything becomes clear, so was my realization that it was possible I was fooling myself in thinking him and I wanted the same things or just that RIGHT NOW I wanted those things alone.
There is that saying that a picture is worth a thousand words but a picture can also be misleading. When I returned home everyone said, "It looks like you had a wonderful time." And yes, some times were wonderful, but other times, I may have been smiling in a photo, but really I was on the verge of breaking down. Was my trip entirely ruined? Absolutely not. I'm pretty good at reading people and despite the times it was evident we weren't going to last. There were times when I wanted to just freeze time and stay in a moment just a little bit longer. Every kiss, touch, gesture that made me feel I was his made my heart beat faster and I was proud that I was with him. What I take from this trip and most importantly this short relationship is that I don't give myself enough credit and I have got to stop chopping myself down and thinking some people are out of my league.
I also have to learn how to be alone and be happy. It gets harder and harder giving away my heart hoping this time it'll be the last time only to have to start from scratch time and time again. There are bridges in Paris over the Seine River that are covered in locks from lovers symbolizing their everlasting love. I wondered, as I gazed through the swarm of locks, how many of these relationships were still alive and how many should be unlocked and fall into the bottom of the river never to be seen again? It is a pessimistic thought but one that I couldn't help thinking as I began to feel that once again I was in a relationship with the wrong guy. I also giggled to myself considering here I was in the most romantic city in the world and I am feeling this way. Should I just not go on a vacation with a bf anymore since everyone in the past 5 years have all ended afterwards?
But as they say in French C'est la vie. After all I am thankful for the chance to have seen so much and I am thankful for the moments with him that caused me to smile so hard that my face hurt. I am thankful for Paris.
Thursday, April 4, 2013
"You Should Have Killed Yourself, Queer" Part II
I walked into highschool thinking about what crazy rumors could have been spread about my absence and wasn't surprised to find out someone had said I had tried slitting my wrists in the men's room. My initial thought was, "I should have wrapped bandages around my wrists and went with it." Not because I had a morbid sense of humor but I thought maybe it would make people feel sorry for me. I was desperate for people to stop riding my back.
I recieved a note second period that said I needed to go to our priest's office. He was a nice older man in a wheelchair and he didn't make me feel intimidated or nervous at all. I was used to priests in my elementary school being very strict and quite scary though of course I was younger and fearful of any type of authority figure. As a child who attended a Catholic School we were required to go to confession as a class, I think every term or something. I don't remember. I do remember being terrified of forgetting the Act of Contrition or simply stating to the priest that I didn't have any sins to report. I always went behind a screen and mostly I'd make up things like, "I cursed at my mom" or "I talked back to my teacher" There was however that one time I stole money from my mom so I could buy her a bouquet of flowers for Mother's Day....that cost me at least 4 Hail Mary's and a few Our Father's.
He took me into a very small office. I don't think it could have been defined as an office. It felt more like an interrogation room, except maybe it just felt that way because I was terrfied. I don't remember what we spoke about except for him asking me if I thought I was gay. I stuttered for a moment and replied, "No I am not." I was sweating underneath my clothes and my face felt beet red and I thought, "Can he tell I am lying?" What he said to me was, "Wow, usually boys run out the door when I ask that question." I didn't know what he meant by that. Did they usually bring guys into a room and ask them if they are homosexuals? If so, what if they said yes? Could they throw me out of school for being gay? I always wondered what would have happened if I had just come out to my school. Would have I made it to College? Would have I survived all the torment I recieved?"
I had mentioned my locker had been vandalized before, but it wasn't spray paint or marker. I can't exactly describe what it was, except it was like sticky goo. It smelled like starbusts and had a yellow tinge to it and seeped throught the holes in my locker and made my books sticky and ruined my locker. It honestly looked like someone had eaten a bag of candy, vomited it up, and spread it on my locker. I am not kidding....is that worse than pee? Growing up in an apartment building, we had a lot of kids my age in the neighborhood who lived in my building. Two of them took it upon themselves to piss all over our door or spread chewing gum all over it. No doubt it was because I lived there.
Before my family and I moved into a private home, we lived in an apartment that had a public pool in the back. It was shared by our building and another. For the most part I remember having a lot of fun with my friends there. One year we had a very friendly lifeguard who we befriended and who I had a huuuuuge crush on. I remember all of us hanging out at the pool, eating our sunflower seeds and ice cream from the ice cream truck, listening to "Waterfalls" by TLC. Besides that I wasn't friendly with many of the boys in my apartment building. One "jokingly" held me under in the pool and another tried to light my shirt on fire as I was walking to the grocery store to pick up a few things for my mom. I wish I was making this up.
There was one time my brother and I were taking a drive back to NY to visit our mom for the holidays and I opened up to him and told him all the crap that had gone when we were younger. He was pissed that I hadn't told him, saying that he would have had him and his buddies beat up some guys. It was a nice thought but not one I ever thought about doing since I didn't want him to know what they were bullying me about. It's a scary thing when you have no one to talk to and you feel as though your only ally and your only defense is yourself. There was an incident, I remember like it was yesterday...I think we may have been in 6 or 7th grade...we were lining up in a line to leave the classroom to head home when some guy in my class, I think his name was Rob. He had a freckly face and red hair, reminded me a lot of the guy from A Christmas Story who Ralphie beat up...anyways he began making fun of me and calling me Mary which was the name a few guys made up for me. Out of nowhere this guy Michael, a bigger guy in my class, just started pounding on him. I don't know why he did it. We never spoke much and it's a shame that I never got to thank him. I found out in College that he was killed in a drunk driving accident. He wasn't drunk nor was he driving. It stung.
It was people like him that gave me hope that there were some good still in the world, even in my little world that it was. I was fearful everyday. I walked home with my earphones on to drown out taunting, I took long ways home to avoid running into anyone, and I walked very fast to get home as fast as I could. When people ask me why I walk so fast I just say it's from being a New Yorker, but it's because it became a habit. I feel as though I am made of steel emotionally. I held a huge burden on my shoulders for so long and didn't start allowing myself to be who I was until college thanks to so many incredible people. My hopes are that this story can be shared to boys and girls who are bullied for any reason and know that just like Dan Savage says, it gets better. I'm living proof of that.
I recieved a note second period that said I needed to go to our priest's office. He was a nice older man in a wheelchair and he didn't make me feel intimidated or nervous at all. I was used to priests in my elementary school being very strict and quite scary though of course I was younger and fearful of any type of authority figure. As a child who attended a Catholic School we were required to go to confession as a class, I think every term or something. I don't remember. I do remember being terrified of forgetting the Act of Contrition or simply stating to the priest that I didn't have any sins to report. I always went behind a screen and mostly I'd make up things like, "I cursed at my mom" or "I talked back to my teacher" There was however that one time I stole money from my mom so I could buy her a bouquet of flowers for Mother's Day....that cost me at least 4 Hail Mary's and a few Our Father's.
He took me into a very small office. I don't think it could have been defined as an office. It felt more like an interrogation room, except maybe it just felt that way because I was terrfied. I don't remember what we spoke about except for him asking me if I thought I was gay. I stuttered for a moment and replied, "No I am not." I was sweating underneath my clothes and my face felt beet red and I thought, "Can he tell I am lying?" What he said to me was, "Wow, usually boys run out the door when I ask that question." I didn't know what he meant by that. Did they usually bring guys into a room and ask them if they are homosexuals? If so, what if they said yes? Could they throw me out of school for being gay? I always wondered what would have happened if I had just come out to my school. Would have I made it to College? Would have I survived all the torment I recieved?"
I had mentioned my locker had been vandalized before, but it wasn't spray paint or marker. I can't exactly describe what it was, except it was like sticky goo. It smelled like starbusts and had a yellow tinge to it and seeped throught the holes in my locker and made my books sticky and ruined my locker. It honestly looked like someone had eaten a bag of candy, vomited it up, and spread it on my locker. I am not kidding....is that worse than pee? Growing up in an apartment building, we had a lot of kids my age in the neighborhood who lived in my building. Two of them took it upon themselves to piss all over our door or spread chewing gum all over it. No doubt it was because I lived there.
Before my family and I moved into a private home, we lived in an apartment that had a public pool in the back. It was shared by our building and another. For the most part I remember having a lot of fun with my friends there. One year we had a very friendly lifeguard who we befriended and who I had a huuuuuge crush on. I remember all of us hanging out at the pool, eating our sunflower seeds and ice cream from the ice cream truck, listening to "Waterfalls" by TLC. Besides that I wasn't friendly with many of the boys in my apartment building. One "jokingly" held me under in the pool and another tried to light my shirt on fire as I was walking to the grocery store to pick up a few things for my mom. I wish I was making this up.
There was one time my brother and I were taking a drive back to NY to visit our mom for the holidays and I opened up to him and told him all the crap that had gone when we were younger. He was pissed that I hadn't told him, saying that he would have had him and his buddies beat up some guys. It was a nice thought but not one I ever thought about doing since I didn't want him to know what they were bullying me about. It's a scary thing when you have no one to talk to and you feel as though your only ally and your only defense is yourself. There was an incident, I remember like it was yesterday...I think we may have been in 6 or 7th grade...we were lining up in a line to leave the classroom to head home when some guy in my class, I think his name was Rob. He had a freckly face and red hair, reminded me a lot of the guy from A Christmas Story who Ralphie beat up...anyways he began making fun of me and calling me Mary which was the name a few guys made up for me. Out of nowhere this guy Michael, a bigger guy in my class, just started pounding on him. I don't know why he did it. We never spoke much and it's a shame that I never got to thank him. I found out in College that he was killed in a drunk driving accident. He wasn't drunk nor was he driving. It stung.
It was people like him that gave me hope that there were some good still in the world, even in my little world that it was. I was fearful everyday. I walked home with my earphones on to drown out taunting, I took long ways home to avoid running into anyone, and I walked very fast to get home as fast as I could. When people ask me why I walk so fast I just say it's from being a New Yorker, but it's because it became a habit. I feel as though I am made of steel emotionally. I held a huge burden on my shoulders for so long and didn't start allowing myself to be who I was until college thanks to so many incredible people. My hopes are that this story can be shared to boys and girls who are bullied for any reason and know that just like Dan Savage says, it gets better. I'm living proof of that.
Wednesday, March 27, 2013
Love + Sex = ?
I've never been one to debate. I'm not good at it. I have my values and my beliefs and that is all. To say I am easily persuaded is incorrect but I am open to change. I can't push my beliefs on to others, because beliefs typically come from experience. Experience brought to us by our environments, internal and external. Therefore, how can I tell someone what they believe is wrong, if I have not experienced what they have experienced? So you can have your beliefs and I will have mine, however when your beliefs determine how I get to live my life and my inherent freedoms are at risk, that is wrong.
Love is love. It isn't black and white. It isn't even gray. Love should be defined by no borders. For the longest time I was set that when I fell in love I wouldn't want to be physical with any other man. I believed it was wrong, but I couldn't back it up nor do I have the right to say to any couple that having an open relationship is wrong. I do believe that love is either said too much or not enough at all. I believe that some are afraid to open themselves up to it, while others don't understand what it means to really be in love with another. People always throw around words like love is work, love is hard, love isn't always laughter and smiles...yadda yadda...yea that may all be true, but more than that love is truth. It's being true to yourself and it is being true to your partner.
If I promised my boyfriend or husband that I will always be true to him...what does that mean? It means that him and I would have no secrets, it doesn't mean that I won't sleep with another, unless we both BELIEVED it was wrong. If my boyfriend said to me, I don't want you to sleep around" and I agree and I abide by that then I am being true to him and to our relationship. If I lied then the relationship isn't set on values that a relationship should be set upon.
The saying men are men is irrelevant. Human beings are human beings. We have needs and desires. Some human beings are content with having sex with one person his whole life and others are not. I'd be a hypocrite if I told someone that having an open relationship is disgusting. If two men, two women, a man and a woman, decide they want to have an agreement of some sort that allows them to "play" with others but their love for one another remains true then so be it. I believe sex can be just sex, but I also believe that sex with the person you are in love with is by far the best sex you can have, because there are no veils, facades, secrets. Your heart is open and vulnerable and there is no fear, this is how I choose to love.
I can't say that I am 100% for it or against it. The truth is every action has a reaction and therefore I know that if I decide to have an open relationship with someone I have to be open to the possibility I could potentially lose that person. With that being said, if the love is true than I am comfortable with putting my faith in just us.
I believe some people just stay in relationships because of fear. They cheat on the side because they are not brave enough to do what they know is right nor do they want to upset his or her's entire world and for some that is good enough. I am not one of those people. I may not always be true to myself, but I try so very hard to never let anyone change my beliefs. My beliefs though ARE beginning to change, but of my own free will. I think it is because I am knowing myself better. I am becoming more secure with myself and I am less afraid of the unknown. The truth is it allows me to love truer and greater than I thought I could.
I sat at home writing this blog because of two things. My own personal experiences and because of what is happening in the US today with DOMA and Prop 8. I was having dualing thoughts, the wrong of my nation to deny me equal rights and the wrong of myself to push judgement on other couples. One clearly is a much larger issue than the other but as I was heated up about DOMA & Prop 8, I realized how much of a fraud I was being for passing judgment on my own friends or any couple for that matter on subjects that I am always conversing about, thinking I know it all. Because I nor our government know shit.
Love is love. It isn't black and white. It isn't even gray. Love should be defined by no borders. For the longest time I was set that when I fell in love I wouldn't want to be physical with any other man. I believed it was wrong, but I couldn't back it up nor do I have the right to say to any couple that having an open relationship is wrong. I do believe that love is either said too much or not enough at all. I believe that some are afraid to open themselves up to it, while others don't understand what it means to really be in love with another. People always throw around words like love is work, love is hard, love isn't always laughter and smiles...yadda yadda...yea that may all be true, but more than that love is truth. It's being true to yourself and it is being true to your partner.
If I promised my boyfriend or husband that I will always be true to him...what does that mean? It means that him and I would have no secrets, it doesn't mean that I won't sleep with another, unless we both BELIEVED it was wrong. If my boyfriend said to me, I don't want you to sleep around" and I agree and I abide by that then I am being true to him and to our relationship. If I lied then the relationship isn't set on values that a relationship should be set upon.
The saying men are men is irrelevant. Human beings are human beings. We have needs and desires. Some human beings are content with having sex with one person his whole life and others are not. I'd be a hypocrite if I told someone that having an open relationship is disgusting. If two men, two women, a man and a woman, decide they want to have an agreement of some sort that allows them to "play" with others but their love for one another remains true then so be it. I believe sex can be just sex, but I also believe that sex with the person you are in love with is by far the best sex you can have, because there are no veils, facades, secrets. Your heart is open and vulnerable and there is no fear, this is how I choose to love.
I can't say that I am 100% for it or against it. The truth is every action has a reaction and therefore I know that if I decide to have an open relationship with someone I have to be open to the possibility I could potentially lose that person. With that being said, if the love is true than I am comfortable with putting my faith in just us.
I believe some people just stay in relationships because of fear. They cheat on the side because they are not brave enough to do what they know is right nor do they want to upset his or her's entire world and for some that is good enough. I am not one of those people. I may not always be true to myself, but I try so very hard to never let anyone change my beliefs. My beliefs though ARE beginning to change, but of my own free will. I think it is because I am knowing myself better. I am becoming more secure with myself and I am less afraid of the unknown. The truth is it allows me to love truer and greater than I thought I could.
I sat at home writing this blog because of two things. My own personal experiences and because of what is happening in the US today with DOMA and Prop 8. I was having dualing thoughts, the wrong of my nation to deny me equal rights and the wrong of myself to push judgement on other couples. One clearly is a much larger issue than the other but as I was heated up about DOMA & Prop 8, I realized how much of a fraud I was being for passing judgment on my own friends or any couple for that matter on subjects that I am always conversing about, thinking I know it all. Because I nor our government know shit.
Sunday, March 3, 2013
The Child Inside
So I wrote this in my journal 11/27/2001. Nothing is edited except the names.
I'm sitting in my room listening to Jewel. Her new album came out a few days ago and of course I rushed out and got it. Yesterday I found out that Tim cheated on his boyfriend Mike. Him and Mike had a long distance relationship and apparently Tim couldn't handle it or in my opinion just couldn't keep it in his pants. Mike and I are going to see Harry Potter together, but I bet you that him and Tim get back together eventually and we don't hangout anymore. It seems that I've been consoling everyone with their man problems and I don't even have a man. People seem to overlook me as a potential boyfriend. I don't understand it. I've been through almost every relationship problem there is from every angle. I know how to treat a guy and I know what my limits are now and what I want out of life, yet still I am overlooked. I am decent looking. Not ugly in anyway, yet still I am overlooked. I know someday I will meet the man of my dreams, but lately I've been sick at the type of guys I am coming in contact with and lately I feel like I wish I was straight. It just is so much easier. When did it get so hard? When did I start hating myself or the skin that I'm in? I just wish things were so different. I've been observing couples a lot more lately and feeling so jealous. I look at C and part of me wants to cry and another part wants to yell and scream at him. I never really got to tell him what I think of him and sometimes I'm afraid I may just blow up at him. Yesterday M called me he missed someone but he wouldn't tell me who, until finally he said it was Chris. Chris...not me. I just wish one really attractive guy would come up to me and say "You are the most beautiful man I have ever met and it would be an honor if you would go out with me" Well of course everyone wants that to happen. You know like I said I am pretty good at taking what fate throws at me, but when is fate going to be in my corner? I think I have a lot of learning to keep doing. I have come a long way since I started this journal though and I know one day I'll have all I want. I wonder if the man of my dreams is thinking the same thing that I am at this moment.
Twelve years ago I wrote this. Sadly I have no idea who Tim and Mike are nor do I remember if I did see Harry Potter with him and at the same time I was having breakup drama from not one but two guys. One from NY and one at college in MA. What does that say about me? Back then, I so desperately wanted to be the gay male Felicity. I was living life as if I was on some sort of teen drama. I had no concept of other people's feelings nor did I understand my own. My entire life revolved around the thought of having a boyfriend for the sake of feeling wanted. Things haven't changed much sadly until recently. I had no idea what I was talking about, thinking I knew what I wanted out of life. I have just begun knowing this. I'm embarrassed to say it took me this long to finally begin noticing that I can be dependent upon myself and the thought of meeting the right guy should come second to my own happiness. Having a man in my life would just be the cherry on top of a sundae or actually a cherry in my rum and coke. I can say without reading much into it or jinxing it that fate may have finally taken a turn in my favor and I have met someone that I see great potential in. It's uncomplicated, fun, and there's no need to analyze everything I say or do around him. It's natural and I'm enjoying myself.
I've only finally begun to believe in myself and in the potential I have. Knowing that I should give myself more credit then I typically do. The one belief I still have from back then is the fact that I wont ever stop learning or growing. Every experience I have becomes another brick in what I would consider my internal home. One that currently is missing just a few shutters and a complete roof.
I still stress over the smallest things, but never for long. I think...no I know, that it all comes from my parents and the fact that I am terrified to end up like them. I am terrified of making bad financial decisions, having a husband cheat on me, and looking back on life (as I am sure my mom does) and regretting decisions I have made. I am terrified of dying and never have lived. But too worry about these things everyday only prevents me from living. I struggle with having a no warranty on my life. I want too much out of it.
I was riding the T yesterday and was observing a father with his young daughter. She must have been 9 or 10. The dialogue between the two of them was more like a teacher and student. Everything he said to her was so logical and detailed. For instance, he was discussing with her the fact that he didn't understand why the conductor never tells the passengers how long stand by will be and his daughter responded "Yes father I think that the passengers would appreciate that." He was also telling her where to stand as one part of the train has more stable than another. I mean really....come on. Maybe you had to be there but let the kid be a kid. He was the type of father who would explain to his daughter the dangers of playgrounds instead of letting her play and fall and scrape her knee for herself. Not so much over-protective but so logical then she would never have an imagination.
I used to believe that I had the power to turn street lights green instead of red, that my stuffed animals would protect me from any danger while I was sleeping, that magic was real. I guess I was so angry at this father and daughter discussion because I know, as we all do, just how hard life will get and that eventually our imaginations as children leave and everything becomes maybe just too logical. Every year life just gets maybe a little bit harder and I felt sad for this child. I mean even once in awhile just too keep my childlike indulgences alive, I will stare at an object long enough believing I can make it move. I'm not crazy, clearly I know it will never happen, but it keeps bits and pieces of my childlike behavior alive and we should never lose that.
So 13 years ago I had created a journal that I kept writing in for about 3 years. 112 pages of fights with friends, breakups, crushes, parental issues, death, fears, and times in my life that I will always remember. I went through phases of being grunge and goth. Wearing those dreaded Jnco jeans and thinking I was such a cool punk. Pretending to love anything just because everyone else thought it was cool. You know doing the stupid shit that teenagers do. So finding this journal and reading entries from so many years ago I was happy to know clearly I've grown and can see the world on a much larger scale instead of being so self involved and believing every little thing was the end of the world. Sadly however, I know some people my age who still behave this way. So although most people would say, "Well yea clearly you have grown in 13 years" some people never do.
So there is this internal scale that each one of us must learn to balance. One where we don't let our imaginations perish and we become too rigid and logical vs watching the world around us pass us by because we don't want to face reality. One where we keep hold of our teenage mindsets, the optimism and the "I am untouchable complex" and our vast indulgences in ourselves vs being too self involved and knowing that some things just are the way they are.
I'm sitting in my room listening to Jewel. Her new album came out a few days ago and of course I rushed out and got it. Yesterday I found out that Tim cheated on his boyfriend Mike. Him and Mike had a long distance relationship and apparently Tim couldn't handle it or in my opinion just couldn't keep it in his pants. Mike and I are going to see Harry Potter together, but I bet you that him and Tim get back together eventually and we don't hangout anymore. It seems that I've been consoling everyone with their man problems and I don't even have a man. People seem to overlook me as a potential boyfriend. I don't understand it. I've been through almost every relationship problem there is from every angle. I know how to treat a guy and I know what my limits are now and what I want out of life, yet still I am overlooked. I am decent looking. Not ugly in anyway, yet still I am overlooked. I know someday I will meet the man of my dreams, but lately I've been sick at the type of guys I am coming in contact with and lately I feel like I wish I was straight. It just is so much easier. When did it get so hard? When did I start hating myself or the skin that I'm in? I just wish things were so different. I've been observing couples a lot more lately and feeling so jealous. I look at C and part of me wants to cry and another part wants to yell and scream at him. I never really got to tell him what I think of him and sometimes I'm afraid I may just blow up at him. Yesterday M called me he missed someone but he wouldn't tell me who, until finally he said it was Chris. Chris...not me. I just wish one really attractive guy would come up to me and say "You are the most beautiful man I have ever met and it would be an honor if you would go out with me" Well of course everyone wants that to happen. You know like I said I am pretty good at taking what fate throws at me, but when is fate going to be in my corner? I think I have a lot of learning to keep doing. I have come a long way since I started this journal though and I know one day I'll have all I want. I wonder if the man of my dreams is thinking the same thing that I am at this moment.
Twelve years ago I wrote this. Sadly I have no idea who Tim and Mike are nor do I remember if I did see Harry Potter with him and at the same time I was having breakup drama from not one but two guys. One from NY and one at college in MA. What does that say about me? Back then, I so desperately wanted to be the gay male Felicity. I was living life as if I was on some sort of teen drama. I had no concept of other people's feelings nor did I understand my own. My entire life revolved around the thought of having a boyfriend for the sake of feeling wanted. Things haven't changed much sadly until recently. I had no idea what I was talking about, thinking I knew what I wanted out of life. I have just begun knowing this. I'm embarrassed to say it took me this long to finally begin noticing that I can be dependent upon myself and the thought of meeting the right guy should come second to my own happiness. Having a man in my life would just be the cherry on top of a sundae or actually a cherry in my rum and coke. I can say without reading much into it or jinxing it that fate may have finally taken a turn in my favor and I have met someone that I see great potential in. It's uncomplicated, fun, and there's no need to analyze everything I say or do around him. It's natural and I'm enjoying myself.
I've only finally begun to believe in myself and in the potential I have. Knowing that I should give myself more credit then I typically do. The one belief I still have from back then is the fact that I wont ever stop learning or growing. Every experience I have becomes another brick in what I would consider my internal home. One that currently is missing just a few shutters and a complete roof.
I still stress over the smallest things, but never for long. I think...no I know, that it all comes from my parents and the fact that I am terrified to end up like them. I am terrified of making bad financial decisions, having a husband cheat on me, and looking back on life (as I am sure my mom does) and regretting decisions I have made. I am terrified of dying and never have lived. But too worry about these things everyday only prevents me from living. I struggle with having a no warranty on my life. I want too much out of it.
I was riding the T yesterday and was observing a father with his young daughter. She must have been 9 or 10. The dialogue between the two of them was more like a teacher and student. Everything he said to her was so logical and detailed. For instance, he was discussing with her the fact that he didn't understand why the conductor never tells the passengers how long stand by will be and his daughter responded "Yes father I think that the passengers would appreciate that." He was also telling her where to stand as one part of the train has more stable than another. I mean really....come on. Maybe you had to be there but let the kid be a kid. He was the type of father who would explain to his daughter the dangers of playgrounds instead of letting her play and fall and scrape her knee for herself. Not so much over-protective but so logical then she would never have an imagination.
I used to believe that I had the power to turn street lights green instead of red, that my stuffed animals would protect me from any danger while I was sleeping, that magic was real. I guess I was so angry at this father and daughter discussion because I know, as we all do, just how hard life will get and that eventually our imaginations as children leave and everything becomes maybe just too logical. Every year life just gets maybe a little bit harder and I felt sad for this child. I mean even once in awhile just too keep my childlike indulgences alive, I will stare at an object long enough believing I can make it move. I'm not crazy, clearly I know it will never happen, but it keeps bits and pieces of my childlike behavior alive and we should never lose that.
So 13 years ago I had created a journal that I kept writing in for about 3 years. 112 pages of fights with friends, breakups, crushes, parental issues, death, fears, and times in my life that I will always remember. I went through phases of being grunge and goth. Wearing those dreaded Jnco jeans and thinking I was such a cool punk. Pretending to love anything just because everyone else thought it was cool. You know doing the stupid shit that teenagers do. So finding this journal and reading entries from so many years ago I was happy to know clearly I've grown and can see the world on a much larger scale instead of being so self involved and believing every little thing was the end of the world. Sadly however, I know some people my age who still behave this way. So although most people would say, "Well yea clearly you have grown in 13 years" some people never do.
So there is this internal scale that each one of us must learn to balance. One where we don't let our imaginations perish and we become too rigid and logical vs watching the world around us pass us by because we don't want to face reality. One where we keep hold of our teenage mindsets, the optimism and the "I am untouchable complex" and our vast indulgences in ourselves vs being too self involved and knowing that some things just are the way they are.
Friday, January 11, 2013
I'm That Guy
I’m the guy who gets out of his car and opens the door for
you…That’s the kind of guy I am. I’m the guy who speaks up for things and is
willing to fight when need be...words or fists. The guy that will bake cookies
for you on Valentine’s day…who likes to sit in cafes and talk or write…I like
to dance around and act silly to 80s pops songs. Who sometimes likes to use
terms like gurrrrrrrl…who cries at romantic comedies and sad commercials about
abused animals…who has fantasies about his wedding and how he’d propose and how
he knows he’ll cry at his wedding…who likes to try and always look nice and
sometimes spends too much time in the mirror and sometimes doesn’t give a shit
how he looks. I’m the guy who says he’s getting fat when he weighs a healthy
weight and the guy that likes to have gag worthy things like “our song, our
restaurant, our favorite place to travel to” I’m the guy who likes to sing in
his car to songs like “I’ll Stand By You and Total Eclipse of the Heart” I’m
the guy who would kiss you even when your nose is runny and you sound like a
drag queen who has smoked for 40 years. I’m the guy who loves going to sports
games and screaming and cheering and also loves to sit quietly and watch a play
or hell maybe even a ballet. I’m the guy who would sit by your side in the
hospital all day and night and would run through rainstorms with you and warm
up with you next to a fire naked. I’d try and become interested in things you
are passionate about or just appreciate the fact that you are passionate about
them. I’m the guy who used to play with dolls as a kid and wished he was Baby
from Dirty Dancing just so he could do that dance at the end of the film. I’m
the guy who fantasizes about late nights with holding his crying baby or the Christmas
cards we would send to families and friends. I’m the guy who imagines he is
having a cup of coffee with your mom talking about you while you’re still
sleeping. I’m the guy who likes to stay healthy and is
not at all and will never be a gym rat. I'm the guy who loves watching documentaries about nature and likes to have picnics in parks. I’m the guy who believes in love,
friendships, and simple acts of kindness. I’d rather spend my days vacationing on
a tropical island and not partying at a white party. I'm not an attention getter but likes when people pay attention to me. I’m the guy who doesn’t
believe romance is dead. I’m the guy who would do really really stupid things
just to make you laugh or the guy who would back off when you needed space. Who
would do anything in his power to impress you if he loved you. I’m the guy who
would buy you a star or make you a mix tape…yea I’m that guy. I’m the guy that
screams when I see a roach but would free a spider if I found one. I’m the guy
who loves horror movies but then is sometimes afraid of the dark after. I
sometimes sleep with a stuffed animal. I’m the guy who likes to always quote movies.
Who sometimes does disgusting things like blow his nose in the shower and bite
his nails. I’m the guy who can be over dramatic or not emotional enough. I’m
the guy who has a nervous laugh when something is really awkward or tragic. I’m
the guy who wants to travel the world with you and at the same time never wants to
leave the coach with you. I’m the guy
who would do anything in his power to make you happy. I’m that guy.
…Does that make me Masculine or Feminine? or does that just
make me ME.
Thursday, January 3, 2013
Perfectly Imperfect
So it's a new year. Hopefully it'll be filled with a lot of love and wise choices for me and for all those I care about. I'm not fond of cliche, in fact, it annoys me. It devalues what used to be meaningful expressions. Correction... I guess I love cliche, but the idea that certain expressions become cliche mostly because certain expressions are taken for granted angers me. For instance, I can say I will reflect on last year and think about choices I made and make a resolution that I will make better ones in the new year and then in a month or so go back to my normal everyday life and the feeling of a clean slate will once again become tarnished. But as cliche as reflection and resolutions are, I don't feel that it should lose the value of its purpose. We should reflect on the past year and our lives in general and try and make better choices and be better people in the new year and maybe our resolutions won't last, but cheers for giving it a good shot.
The events in Newtown CT struck me to the core, like it did for almost everyone with a heart. I can't think about those families without welling up and feeling such intense sorrow for all of them. One of the parents were interviewed by Katie Couric and the mother said that she felt sorry for Adam Lanza. She said she couldn't imagine what a dark and evil place he must have gone too and that she was sad that that is where he was. This mother whose child was murdered could say words like these. I cried for the pain they were feeling and I cried for the strength that she and her husband must have to be able to let anger and hatred go for a man who could kill their beautiful child. Could I ever be that strong? I hope and pray I never have to suffer from the loss of a child and in such a despairing way. I hope that I can have the sort of strength this family and all the others have. When I think that these children will never feel what it is to be in love with another, to have their first kiss, to graduate from college, etc. I can only reflect on not what I haven't experienced but what I have been grateful to have experienced.
What better day to experience Deja Vu than on New Years Day. I was taking a beautiful walk at Broadmoor Wildlife Sanctuary, taking in the beauty and calm of nature and enjoying the company that I was with, when all of a sudden I had that feeling that I had been here once before. I always find comfort in that feeling. My take on Deja Vu is that it is the world's way of telling me that I am on the right path in my life. Maybe I had been here before in another life and by experiencing it all over again I am right where I belong. Just like the power of prayer and the belief in God comforts people, whether it be real or not, if something comforts you and gives you hope then in my eyes it is amazing. It is worth feeling. I believe that all that I search for and all the questions I need answers to will come in time and I need to live in the moment and relish in all the things that I have that really should mean something to me.
We always want more and more and more and we always lose sight of what we have right in front of us. We lose sight of what necessities we have that others do not and many times we brag about the things that are not necessities. In my own life, I lose sight of the idea that I have power over my own life and that the choices I make are MY choices and I am the only one to blame for its consequences. With that being said I am making a promise to myself to stick with my ideologies and maybe tweak my way of thinking about certain things. Things that I am fearful and anxious of. Things that consume my mind. Most of all stop worrying about my insecurities and knowing that no one is perfect and saying to myself that I am perfectly imperfect. I am who I am supposed to be and some of it may not be pretty, but I am perfect just the same.
The events in Newtown CT struck me to the core, like it did for almost everyone with a heart. I can't think about those families without welling up and feeling such intense sorrow for all of them. One of the parents were interviewed by Katie Couric and the mother said that she felt sorry for Adam Lanza. She said she couldn't imagine what a dark and evil place he must have gone too and that she was sad that that is where he was. This mother whose child was murdered could say words like these. I cried for the pain they were feeling and I cried for the strength that she and her husband must have to be able to let anger and hatred go for a man who could kill their beautiful child. Could I ever be that strong? I hope and pray I never have to suffer from the loss of a child and in such a despairing way. I hope that I can have the sort of strength this family and all the others have. When I think that these children will never feel what it is to be in love with another, to have their first kiss, to graduate from college, etc. I can only reflect on not what I haven't experienced but what I have been grateful to have experienced.
What better day to experience Deja Vu than on New Years Day. I was taking a beautiful walk at Broadmoor Wildlife Sanctuary, taking in the beauty and calm of nature and enjoying the company that I was with, when all of a sudden I had that feeling that I had been here once before. I always find comfort in that feeling. My take on Deja Vu is that it is the world's way of telling me that I am on the right path in my life. Maybe I had been here before in another life and by experiencing it all over again I am right where I belong. Just like the power of prayer and the belief in God comforts people, whether it be real or not, if something comforts you and gives you hope then in my eyes it is amazing. It is worth feeling. I believe that all that I search for and all the questions I need answers to will come in time and I need to live in the moment and relish in all the things that I have that really should mean something to me.
We always want more and more and more and we always lose sight of what we have right in front of us. We lose sight of what necessities we have that others do not and many times we brag about the things that are not necessities. In my own life, I lose sight of the idea that I have power over my own life and that the choices I make are MY choices and I am the only one to blame for its consequences. With that being said I am making a promise to myself to stick with my ideologies and maybe tweak my way of thinking about certain things. Things that I am fearful and anxious of. Things that consume my mind. Most of all stop worrying about my insecurities and knowing that no one is perfect and saying to myself that I am perfectly imperfect. I am who I am supposed to be and some of it may not be pretty, but I am perfect just the same.
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