The Song in My Heart

My courage has been forged by my friends. Without them I'd be nothing.

Whenever I travel back to NY, I feel like a foreigner. I'm lost. Going to NY for Thanksgiving wasn't easy. It never is. Reality bitch slaps me in the face and stings me for days. My mom is losing her home and is most likely moving to Florida to live with some family we have there. I think, if she only was able to live a more fulfilling life she'd have a different life, but her disability prevents that and there isn't much I can do. Between that and just being in NY, I'm reminded of how lucky I am to be as resilient to hate and hopelessness as I am. What kept me grounded back then and what keeps me grounded now are my friends whom above anything else, I am most thankful for.

Between the hate I dealt with in school and the pain I sometimes feel now in my heart, my friends have always kept me going. They make those down days just a bit easier. I've had a lot of friends throughout the years, some have stuck around and others have sort of vanished into thin air, never to be heard of again, others I feel have betrayed me. I'm a lot harder on myself than I should be. The slightest rejection can make me feel worthless. It's funny how blind one can be when you hope for something so much that you believe you've found it. Rejection comes in a lot of flavors, jobs, dates, yourself etc., but what hurts the most are when people you love and trust, friends, abandon you. I think we've all had friends that we thought would be around forever but whom for some reason or another stop calling and stop wanting to get together to the point when days, weeks, months, years go by and that person becomes a memory. I look at it this way, if I'm with someone I consider my friend they should lift me up and make me feel like I belong. Never the opposite.

I was bullied for years and I came out of it unscathed largely in part by people in my life who I was able to hold on to. Who reminded me to breathe. Through that tumultuous time and into college I met people who I just admire so greatly. I take for granted how lucky I am to have them in my life. You know I always joke to people how I am such a better friend than I am boyfriend and I think that I always say that because I have yet to be in a relationship that is based on true love and honesty. Faith and communication. Understanding and courage. I have that and feel that with my friends. They are there when the relationships go sour. There to make you laugh when all you want to do is cry. There to take your phone away before making drunk calls or texts. There to make you believe in yourself when all you see in the mirror is a body. There to make life worth living.

I walk around knowing that some of my greatest accomplishments involve loving those around me who help me reach beyond myself in times when life just seems too hard.

As much as I love to blog and spill my heart out in words I never mention names. My personal life after all is mine, but these people I am truly thankful for and deserve to be recognized.

Matt, I met you at one of the darkest times in my life. My ex hurt be so bad that I was so lost and broken. I had fallen into a darkness I never wish to feel again and many of my friends seemed to just abandon me. You pulled me through it all. Meeting you was the best thing that has ever happened to me. You are my rock and my best friend and I am forever grateful for you entering my life. You are my brother.

Erin, I've known you forever. From when we dated til watching you create two beautiful children, we never see eachother but I always consider you one of my closest friends. You are the smartest woman I know. I'm so happy you have found love and you are happy. We have shared so many hard times when we were kids and we've also had so crazy times. You have made me laugh til tears have been rolling down my cheeks so many times. I hope one day I have the life you have made for yourself.

Rose, we hated each other when we first met. We used to fight all the time! But as we grew older I think we found a mutual respect for one another and I got to see how strong and beautiful of a person you have become. Like Erin, I am so happy you have found the man you have come to love and have also created two beautiful girls. You and Erin above all of our friends make my time in NY just a little sweeter.

Jill, You were the first person I met in College. Standing there waiting in line with my parents for our computers to be hooked up to the ethernet. lol. I was so scared that my life in Salem would be the same as it had been and you were one of the first to help me realize that wouldn't be that way. We've shared many tears and many laughs. We've fought and we've resolved just to make our friendship stronger. We took many classes together and I enjoyed all of our study dates. I know that as you continue writing the chapters in your life they will only get better and better. You are such a strong woman

Erica, You help ground me. You have such a kind heart and in many ways have come to feel like a sister to me. I'll always have your back and will never think a man is good enough to be with you, but I will like him anyways if he makes you happy :-) It's no surprise you became a nurse, because you have this way about you. The way you speak to people...you just are so good at making things feel not so bad. I'm so grateful to have you in my life...from times when we used to rock out to 80's music in your dorm room...helping you study for A&P, letting you cut my hair...to now when I am freaking out over crazy shit and you always are able to calm be down.

Lisa, I just have to say that if I wasn't a big MO I'd want to date you in a heartbeat. You truly are the kindest soul I have ever met. You radiate love. I'm so grateful for walking by your dorm room and hearing Sarah Mclachlan play and me stopping to say hi to you. If anyone deserves to be happy for the rest of their life, it's you. I've always been so envious of your spirit and how loving your family is. I could never be mad at you even if I tried.

Frank, the more I get to know you the more I am impressed of how loving you are. You have such a big heart and I consider you such a good friend. You have a passion about life I haven't seen in a long time. You just are who you are and I love that quality about you. You know what is important in life, friends and family and you prove to me every time I see you that I can trust you and I am confident we will always remain friends.

Joey, you're like my brotha from another motha lol I see a lot of me in you. You have such a kind heart and you always thrive for your friends to be happy. You also have this resiliency to bull shit that I wish I had. You constantly help remind me to not take things to heart and to just have fun which I do need to be reminded of quite often. I envy the relationship you have to your brother and parents. I will always be your bro and will always have your back.

Jeffy, we sometimes don't always get along, but like brothers we always make up. We are both strong stubborn guys and it's one of the things I do love most about you. You hold true to what you believe in and stick with it. I wish I could be more free spirited as you are. We don't always agree on things but we have a mutual respect for each other and that is what binds a friendship.

To all my friends I love you so much and am always here when you need me. You are the song in my heart.

Behind the Mask...Just More Lies

I have come to the conclusion that many people hold on to pieces of themselves that are just lies. I have always been a believer in the old saying "The truth shall set you free"...well there really is some truth in it although I'll admit I have a very hard time doing that. I'm not good at always telling the truth because I hate hurting people and well sometimes I'm afraid of losing friends whom I have grown to love. On the flip side of that...I have noticed that I am always revealing the truth to people I really do love, even if it may sting a little. I've hurt a few people in my life because I was honest with them and well to myself and despite the fact that it hurt making decisions that caused tears in their eyes, I don't ever want to live a lie. My biggest fear in life is dying alone, but with that, comes the fact that I know from meeting one person just once, that we may be great friends or not...a love interest or not. I want my life to be filled with so much fulfillment, but I want it to all be true. I don't want friends or lovers that are just there to fill a void. My friends know that I well reveal too much about myself...I'm the spokesperson for TMI, but it's just who I am. I look at my closest friends as my family and well I tell my family everything. I'm the same way with who I am dating...Love is not all cuddling, kisses, and great sex...it's fights, tears, and sometimes well messy funny "did that just happen" sex. Once again I have been asked tonight, "Why are you single?" It's because if on date one I have doubts, well I know there is no point in pursuing it further. I did that recently cause I wanted SOOO bad for it too work, but it wasn't there. Also, I want to meet a guy that on date one I feel I can be myself and I feel like I've known them forever. My clumsy, dorky, charming, I sometimes have no idea what I am talking about, can I just hold you all night and not have sex, emotional, self. If someone can accept all of that from me on day one then well they may have a chance. I want a fearless love. One of my favorite feelings in the world was after a long hard week, driving the long distance to see my ex boyfriend. It was like driving through a cold rainstorm in the middle of the night only to see the warmth of a fire and a blanket waiting for me. I want that feeling again. I want someone who can reveal themselves to me. I am a very easy going person and I enjoy making people feel comfortable around me. One of my most favorite lyrics from a song are from a Jewel song, "Yes the heart can hallucinate, when it is completely starved for love." I wish I had created this lyric, I love it so much. Too expand on this I'd say the heart can be shy when the love is open and ready. When we want love so much we grab ahold of people who aren't good for us and yet when it's real we shy away from it. It's a fucked up cycle.

I'm most interested in people who are themselves most of the time. That sounds odd to say, "most of the time" But no one is themselves ALL the time. We are constantly in positions where we adapt to our environment, for whatever purpose, but by doing so we are not being ourselves. I can full heartedly say that most of the time I am...well...myself. Someone asked me last night "What do you want to do, If you could do anything on earth?" Well there are three things: A. Cure Aids B. Help build homes in Africa C. Scuba Dive in the Deep Sea. I'll probably do at least one of those things...maybe two. Can you guess which ones? ;-) I love seeing people happy and like I've mentioned before, I want to leave a great legacy behind. If it can be children...perfect but if not then I want to do something great and inspiring.

The beauty of this world that we live in is that at any moment in time we have the chance to change our path. It's not easy, at least for me. I have such a hard time breaking habits, but it's fun trying. I love waking up in the morning and thinking "fuck yea today I'm going to be different...I'm going to be better" and then I get stuck in traffic, late for work, my coffee is burnt, I miss lunch... BUT sometimes I am better and it feels good. Every time I go to bowling on Wednesday nights, I say to myself, "You're going to break a 200 tonight," I still haven't yet, but I am optimistic about it happening. I'm the same way about everything else in my life.

This Halloween was one of the best I've had. I went to Ptown with two of my close friends and I had a blast. Ended up hanging out with some old friends I hadn't seen in quite some time and that was a big treat. I met some incredible guys, One of whom I really couldn't believe was interested in me. Too beautiful for words, but I just had fun with it and was pleasantly surprised at the end result. All in all it was a great time and it made me realize that I never give myself enough credit and when I just act myself people are more receptive to it then I imagine them to be. So in tradition of it being halloween I notice that when we wear masks we are more ourselves because people can't see who we are, but when we reveal ourselves it's all a facade.

Greatest Story Never Told

The greatest story never told is yours and mine. Each one of us has a story that is worth telling and worth listening too. I love people watching. I can sit outside all day long and just watch people and their interactions with one another. I did the other day actually...I was sitting in the common with my ice pumpkin latte from starbucks, which by the way is amazing and tastes like liquid pumpkin pie....anyways I was sitting there mostly thinking about my life and all the right and wrong choices I have made that have led me to where I am right now. Most people I think would agree that they aren't where they thought they would be exactly, but we just deal with what life has given us. I try to challenge that everyday. I don't want to think about my life in terms of dealing. I'm not willing to accept that. When I am people watching I have a habit of guessing or imagining what his or her life must be like or what they have experienced in their lives. What struggles have they faced, what has brought them happiness, etc. The other day I saw the movie Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close, not only did it bring tears to my eyes, but it made me want to reach out to people and learn more about them. There's so much we can learn from one another and it's so easy how we can be inspired to be better people by listening to someone elses story. I don't really mean to be so sappy but it hurts my heart how cruel people can be to one another without at least getting to know someone first.

The influence other people have on our lives is insane. I admire people who make it a point to have their own voice and aren't afraid to be leaders. People mostly make judgments of others by what they might hear or say not by their own interactions with those people they make judgments of. The last blog I had wrote was due in part by a group of men who even at the age of 30 had the ability to make me feel like I was worth far less more than I really am. What bothered me even more were two out of those people I knew intimately. The fact is I have always A. Made it a point to stick up for people in my life that I care about and B. Speak up when I see or hear something going on that is wrong. I'd like to think that I can impress upon others the importance of open mindedness. I like to also believe that people are inherently good and mean well, but act in unflattering ways due to outside forces.

I feel as though most of my decisions in life have not been entirely ones that I wanted to make for myself but more decisions I have made based on other people's opinions which we all know are usually biased and selfish. Who ends up suffering? Not them. So why do we do that? I'm tired of making other people happy in turn making myself miserable. I've also made certain decisions because I was too insecure to do what I know was right. For awhile I had felt so lonely and felt like there was no one in my life who necessarily needed me. If you have felt that way before you know how scary and worthless it can make you feel. I have such a desire to be needed and wanted and in one moment I reverted back to texting my ex because of all people I know I knew he was someone who I could fall back on. Old reliable. Well what a good slap in the face it was when he basically told me it was my problem not his. I needed that...I needed to hear that bad. When I told my best friend Matt this the other day he said to me, "Well I need you" it was the first time despite my continous pledge to be independent that I realized how self involved I was actually being in a way. Like I was whining..."No one loves me...wah wah wah" I think this self discovery is one that a lot of couples in bad relationships have not come to realize. Everyone is so afraid of being alone they cling to someone that gives them just an ounce of happiness but isn't good for them most of the time.

Coming full circle, if we just learned to be more independent and not let others influence us and realize our own self worth we'd all be better people in the end. What a concept.

Quick snippets of myself: I love rainy days and being caught in the rain..making out in the rain, the smell of rain. I love to cook. Waking up to a chilly room...waking up to a chilly room next to someone. I sleep naked. My favorite show of all time is Buffy the Vampire Slayer. My favorite show now is The Walking Dead. I'm a loud talker....I have no indoor voice. I do and say things entirely too quickly without giving it much thought which gets me in trouble. I'm a klutz. I hate the gym although I tell people I love it. My favorite dessert is cake and ice cream together. I laugh at inappropriate times especially when I am nervous. I get teary eyed when I have to speak up to authority figures. I love love love christmas. I love to cuddle. I love the Fall. I hate Winter. I'm not afraid to say that Ptown is overrated and I'd rather travel somewhere inspiring rather than feel like I need to go to the nearest clinic when I get home. I want children. I want a wedding. I love going to baseball games. I want to travel all over the world. Love to sing in my car. Afraid of karaoke. I spend entirely too much time worrying about other's opinions of myself. My favorite meal is pizza. My favorite comfort food is grilled cheese and tomato soup. I over analyze everything to death. I love bowling. I hate people who are tactless, snobby, close minded and I refuse to be friends with those who are. I'm a bad dancer, but I love to dance. Love to play pool. I speak my mind. Favorite movie is Wizard of Oz. I like making people laugh. I cry at movies all the time. I like having close relationships to my boyfriend's family especially the mom. I hate making promises I can't keep. I want to be in love above anything else. I think people say I love you far too often or not enough at all. Good cook. Love board games. Drinking wine. My favorite thing to do in Boston is go to the Improv Asylum. I love the beach. I'm afraid of roller coasters. I love anything Disney. Good Conversation. I wish I knew how to play the piano. I love volleyball which I also suck at. I hate when I lie just to please others. I love my pugs...miss them :-(. Love lattes and the smell of fresh coffee in the morning. Breakfast in bed. Prefer the night rather than the morning. Love ethnic food...could never date a meat and potatoes guy only. Wish I had a large family. Happy I live in city. Love the T. Love taking road trips. Baking. Being romantic. LOVE horror movies, but afraid of the dark after a horror movie. Kid at Heart. Can get incredibly motion sickness. Can't do a cartwheel.  Much rather spend the day with friends at a bar than go clubbing. Love eating out. I get anxiety during Halloween...not big into dressing up. Will never do drag. I bite my nails a lot. I enjoy going to the dentist. I have a major sweet tooth. Hate making excuses for my behavior. Like romance. Love the feeling of being with someone you can be yourself around. I'm a Celine Dion fan. I'm patient with others. I'm impatient with others. Every now and then I enjoy a good argument. Enjoy a good cry. Miss Saturday Morning Cartoons. I hate wearing ties. Love wearing sweatshirts. I eat peanut butter out of the jar. I hate hurting decent people. I love telling people off who deserve it. I love fast food. I hate fast food. I love camping. I spend entirely too much time saying than doing. Love a good love ballad. The Theater. Enjoy taking care of people when they are sick. Enjoy photography. Never learned how to drive stick or change a tire. Don't know how to ice skate. Afraid of falling. Afraid of heights. Love to swim. Get road rage. My favorite kids book was "Are You My Mother" was obsessed with R.L Stine books in grade school. Love cotton candy. Love water parks. Very intuitive. Afraid of holding new borns. Love bubble gum and blowing bubbles. I talk with food in mouth. I'm afraid of public speaking. My ears get red when I'm sick. My body is disproportionate. I love animals. LOVE puppies and kittens. I want to volunteer in Africa. My biggest fear is never finding my soulmate. Love hot chocalate and apple cider. Love apple picking. My favorite thing to do in NY is go to the Bronx Zoo, Don't miss NY, Love living in Somerville. Love to shop. Love going to the movies. Hate complainers. Can't stand people who take life too seriously. Can't stand people who don't take life serious at all ....

As Honest as I'll Ever Be

It's probably pretty clear, at this point to whomever has read my blogs that I am a highly sensitive and vulnerable person. Tonight, I feel as though it has hit me to the core. I have always felt that being a homosexual was just part of my makeup as a human being and that there are so many other parts to me that make me who I am. I also, have always felt, growing up, that after I came out, I would not only be proud, but I would feel like part of a community. Tonight I realize that that is all bullshit. The only community I have is the one I make myself. Tonight I let people get to me that really have no relevance in my life, but the reason why they got to me is because I always felt as a homosexual we should be better. Better in the fact that so many people want to bring us down and hate us that we should rise above all of that and be better to one another. So why is it I let a group of men who are also gay make me feel as though I am a scared lonely teenager all over again? I wish I could tell you.

I know that I am not perfect. No one is. But I strive to be a good man. Every day that I am able to be on this earth I grow. Every day I try to be a better man, but with that comes the fact that I am open to ridicule and it hurts. For the past 5 or so years I have tried my hardest to fit in in this gay community. I have labeled myself and I have tried to find people that would accept me as part of their own and I have failed. I have allowed people to make feel like I am not good enough. Within those 5 years I have made groups of friends that have come and gone like I was just passing through. Like I was just visiting and it hurts. No one seems to think I am good enough to keep around.  As a teenager I was lonely but I have never felt more lonely that I do today as I try and search deep down in my soul for the man I want to be. At this very second I hate the fact that I can allow people to get deep down inside me and crush me. I drove home tonight with tears running down my face as I kept thinking about tonight and how I have allowed so many people to get under my skin. I allowed people tonight to make me feel as though I was far less superior to them because I felt less attractive, less "popular," and less able to be part of a community.

I know I have shared many personal parts of my life to well everyone and I only wish more people can get as personal as I am. I hate being closed off. I hate that people are so afraid to be who they are. I try so very hard to be as real as I can and I only wish that more people can be that way. So as I lay here ...1:13 in the morning I can only say that I am me. I am a sensitive, caring, highly indestructible, wants to have a family, wants to be married, wants more for myself than I have, cries often, loves life, type of guy and well fuck everyone who tries to make me feel far less superior. I need to rise above it all.

The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear.

NELSON MANDELA
 

I've always been a believer in signs. Whether there is any truth in signs doesn't matter. It's comforting to me. I have a hard time making decisions, but when I am faced with a choice, I always look for signs to guide me in the right direction. I also pray a lot. As a child I used to just pray to God all the time at bedtime and it was mostly when I wanted something. Afterall, I was a child and like most children I was self involved. Funny how some children never seem to grow up..anyways...nowadays I pray to my grandmother since she is the only person I know in heaven, or wherever souls go, that loved me unconditionally. I'm not sure if I would actually call it heaven. The thought of there being a heaven, leads me to believe there is a hell which is quite scary to think about. I prefer to just believe that when we die it isn't the end all for us. I pray to her because I know she would always want what is best for me and she would always lead me in the right direction. The women on my mother's side of the family have always been strong willed and love life and always seem fearless to me. They also live longer.

One Thanksgiving when I was a boy, 11 or 12, my dad went to pick up my grandmother from her senior citizens building in downtown Yonkers. It was a pretty rundown unsafe neighborhood, but my grandmother loved living there and everyone loved her. Before he arrived, she had been mugged waiting for my dad outside. The story is quite comical as the way she told it anway. She was sitting waiting for my father along with an elderly couple when a man came up to her and asked her for some change. As she reached in her purse, he went to grab it, but my grandmother held on to it for dear life and the elderly man began hitting him with his cane as his wife started to yell for help. My grandmother apparently hit him in the face with her diamond ring and he took off, ripping her purse but escaping with nothing. I thought she was so cool after hearing that story. There was another time when she was walking with her girl friend as man had approached her and said he had a gun in his pocket and wanted her money. Her elderly friend who was further up the road yelled out to her, "Betty, what does he want?" My grandmother applied, "I don't know, he says he has a gun." The man ran off probably thinking my grandmother was crazier than he was.

Three things that always reminded me of my grandmother were bingo, rummy, and singapore slings (she loved them). She was a short chubby Italian woman with lots of charisma and very active lifestyle. She used to have men her age pick her up to go out dancing, bingo, etc all the time. She used to take senior citizen buses to Atlantic City all the time as well. Some of my happiest childhood memories are ones where she was around and despite the fact that she is gone, she lived to be 98 years old so I am happy she led such a long life and from the last time I went to visit her in her nursing home, she remembered who I was and would light up when she saw me. I never told her I was gay, but the fact that she would sometimes referred to my ex boyfriend as my special friend pretty much told me she was aware. I think she just wanted me to be happy and I hope she isn't disappointed that I have not settled down yet, though the fact that she left my grandfather because he wasn't good to her makes me think that she would be proud that I have not settled for the wrong guy and that I hold true to the fact that the right guy is still out there for me. I think she would also tell me to stop looking and to take care of myself.

The whole idea of signs reminds me of my grandmother because she has always been a very religious woman and she too believed in signs. Then again she also thought Jesus spoke to her once and that she would be visited by dead family members. I digress. The other day when I was heading into the city to visit my best friend, I was waiting at Porter Square T station when this guy who I used to hook up with when I first moved to Somerville saw me waiting for the T. I avoided eye contact at all costs. This guy and I would hook up but when I asked him out on a date he stopped talking to me. This guy would also have an excuse for never letting me go to his place and would only contact me very late at night, all which led me to believe he had a bf and which I later found out was true, although when I asked him if he did, he flat out told me he didn't. Anyhow the next thing I know he is bolting to the opposite side of the platform, to my far right as if afraid I would notice him and confront him. Though only a week ago he texted me at 2am to say: Hey :-) ... I know what a message like that at 2am means. Anyways...so I'm still waiting for the T when this gorgeous man walks by me and when I check him out from behind I notice he is wearing a crossfit shirt. So I stood there and started laughing because I know how far of a stretch this is but it was so strange to me that to my right was the life I have been leading for years and to my left was the life I want to lead. In essence it was my obsession with boys and dissapointment of..my partying, etc vs what I feel would be a better healthier lifestyle and the latter is what I have chosen to stick with. Again I know how ridiculous this all seems, but in that moment everything seemed pretty fucking clear.

Saying and doing are two things that should go hand in hand but never do. I say a lot of shit most of the time but I never act upon it. I am so afraid of so many things and the thought of going to crossfit actually terrified me, but I went and yea it was terrifying and yea I definitely needed more attention than anyone else in my box, but I really didn't give a shit. To some, the idea of working out in a group setting is a peice of cake, but to me it took a lot of courage and I'm not afraid to admit that. Admitting your fears in my idea is the first step to overcoming them. So despite my fear, I just zoned everyone out besides the trainers and kept going. Like I have said before I have spent too much time worrying about what other people think about me, that I don't allow myself to do anything outside my realm of comfort. I am afraid of failure as I'm sure most people are, but as I get older it gets easier to say, "I don't give a shit." I have noticed that I also like to try and challenge myself and little by little I am doing just that and I will keep on challenging myself until I am satisfied.

Not Dying Today

I'm sitting in bed emotionally drained. As this summer comes to a close I have been able to make an amazing man think I am a jerk, runaway from the one guy I have feelings for, and have a quick fling with a man that led to a very intense fight. My initial reaction the other night driving home from the club was that "I don't want to live in Boston anymore. I really don't. I don't think I am ever going to find the right guy in this god forsaken city. I'm tired of getting picked up by married men or guys that think it is ok to not speak to me for months at a time and then call me at 2am for a booty call...or have men in relationships text me drunk to say how much they wish they were with me. This is all bullshit." Following this little internal spat I had with myself, it was evident that I'm a little obsessed with being in a relationship and I care too much about how others perceive me. People have been telling me this my entire life and I never listen. I spend more time scoping out boys at bars then I do listening to my friends speak. I'm going to listen now. I'm a stellar guy with a great heart who is pretty much tired with the incessant bull shit I keep walking into and therefore I have made the decision to change all of those thoughts that engross my mind into more production and healthy things for myself. Despite its strain on me financially I have joined crossfit and yoga classes. Plus running in the am which is just going to be a strain on my insanity as I am NOT a day person. I'm trying to challenge myself into doing things I have always wanted to do but have been too scared to do it. 

I know that in life we don't always get what we want. This is very clear to me, but most of the time these are things that are always not in our odds, such as winning the lottery or traveling the world. I have to start understanding that our lives are what we make of them and that yes we may not always get what we want out of them but that doesn't mean we have failed. As the amazing Tori Amos says,  You say you're waiting on fate/But I think fate is now/ I think fate is now/ Waiting on us. Well I am certainly not dying today and although there are days and nights where I feel I am accomplishing nothing out of my life, I always have the power to change that. 

Change is something I always welcome, but I am terrified of. The thought of leaving Boston has always crossed my mind and although I laugh at the thought, the more and more I'm thinking I should. Once I've gotten all I can out of my new position at work...a year or two...I'm going to move. Unless of course I meet a wonderful guy then maybe I'll stay...there I go again.  I'm sure my mother would try and guilt trip me into staying. I'm sure my friends would think I was making a big mistake. The fact is I spend more time doing what my friends and family think I should do then anything else. My intuitions are so great why don't I try listening to them when it comes to more than my love life? Why am I so scared of the unknown and doing things in my life that are good for me? It is simple really, despite how courageous I portray myself to be, I am so insecure and I'm afraid of failing. Well babysteps I suppose. The first thing I have the power to control and I want to change is my body and soul. The body part may be physically tougher but the true challenge is the war that goes on inside of myself. It starts tonight.   

Blood is Thicker Than Water?

I'm a very competitive person. I hate losing, which is funny because I am not very good at many things. I suck at trivia games, I can't really catch, dunk, or throw a ball, and my coordination is horrible. This has led me to fear any kind of team sport besides bowling. Bowling is safe...you roll a ball and knock down pins..very easy. I was always last picked on teams in school which caused me to always be afraid in gym class because others' assumption of my inability to play sports was always proven by my inability to play sports! In elementary school we were playing kick ball and for some reason I completely missed the giant ball SLOWLY rolling in my direction. How does one miss kicking a ball?...then in 7th grade I joined volleyball and of course the winning point was volleyed towards me and I thought I heard the coach blow her whistle so I caught the ball to stop the play. I caught a volleyball! I was afraid to walk home that day. At least in elementary school we were coed and there was always a girl who was worse than me. It took some of the pressure off. When I hit high school, an all boys catholic school, I was petrified of nice days when we were forced outside to play flag football or what have you. I always prayed for rain. Rain meant we could play dodge ball and dodge ball I was really good at and loved to play. I mean all you had to do was dodge a ball and then you were able to throw balls at people...it was the only time I was able to hit someone I disliked. Remember that MTV show Daria? I felt like her.

Nowadays I feel like I am just in competition with myself and losing rapidly. The old me vs the new me.

I was looking at old photos of myself when I was a kid. I was pretty cute up until puberty. I went through that whole awkward stage with bad acne, bad haircuts, etc. I came across a team photo of me in little league. Now I have a really good long term memory, but I don't ever remember wanting to play little league. It was like one of those things you were forced into. My dad was probably like.. well my son dances to Madonna in his bedroom and plays with My Little Ponies, he is going to play in little league. My older brother was a pretty hefty guy when he was a teenager and much much stronger than me. He used to beat me up all the time. Every Saturday morning while I tried to watch my Saturday Morning Cartoons...Thundercats, Gummy Bears, Smurfs, Fraggle Rock..etc. my brother would turn on WWF and decide that he would mimic the moves on TV on me. He was a wrestler in high school. I was his very own crash test dummy, except dummies don't scream and cry. Whenever my brother was angry at me he always knew how to make me cry. There was the time he took my Immaculate Collection Cassette and cut the tape on it...or when he took MY my little pony and threw him out the car window while on the highway. I was devastated. He used to act as though he was my father, always telling me what to do.

I wish I had a large family with lots of brothers and sisters. One thing I always look for in a guy is someone who is close to their family or who has a big family. I imagine me and my boyfriend at fun barbecues and family outings...hanging out with my boyfriend's mom or dad, playing with his nieces and nephews, etc. it's ironic because I am not very close to mine, especially my brother. I used to think maybe it was because we were 6 years apart, but really it's just because he is not worth my time.

Growing up, when he was a jerk to me, it was because he was my older brother and most older brothers are jerks to their kid brothers. Now I don't know what his excuse is. I have no problem saying that he is stubborn, aggressive, and full of himself. I used to wish he would settle down and have kids just for my benefit, because I want to have a niece or nephew I could spoil, but I don't think he would be a good dad at all not too mention I don't know how any girl could put up with his temper. Last time I spoke to him he said he would ruin me because I wouldn't loan him money and my mom has the nerve to say to me "Well Craig you did sell your condo and have more money now, I don't know why you can't help out your brother." I've been helping him out for years now which has just led to bill collectors calling me and court dates because he has belongings in my name. Some how though I am a bad brother, selfish and inconsiderate. My parents really aren't any better. Granted they have been through a lot especially my mother who I love very much, but I feel more like a crutch with my family just because I am trying to do well with myself and because of a small settlement I received from a car accident years ago.

 I used to feel like I had to compete with my brother over everything even with my parents. He could never do wrong. I used to want to be like him, because despite some of his poor qualities, he is one of the most book smart people I know and was somewhat athletic. He is great at sports, trivia, etc. I am not very book smart at all, but I'd rather possess the qualities I do have much more than the ones he possesses. I forgive very easily which is why when my brother and I fight, I usually forget all about it when I see him at holidays and such, but this year I have decided that it isn't in my best interest to bother.

When I am depressed or really need someone to talk to it is never my parents or my brother I call, it's my friends. Typically if I did call my parents or brother they would have no encouraging things to say and I would probably feel worse about myself. I don't buy this whole notion that blood is thicker than water.

I've been trying to brush away all the cobwebs in my life by correcting bad behavior, disregarding those who treat me poorly, and just living a better healthy more fulfilling life. If that means not talking to people in my family then so be it. Sorta like my own cleanse. I wish it included an all day spa package.

Just Let it Be

I am my own worst enemy

I say that I learn from my mistakes, but not always. I feel as though in certain aspects of my life I am doomed to forever repeat bad habits. I'm not sure why we as people do this sometimes. My own take on it is that we go with what we know, too afraid of the unknown. Too afraid to be happy. That's just it really...in many cases it is the unknown that can lead to our happiness. I'm a coward I guess. I'm beginning to think that I run from things that can make me happy because what if I am happy for that one, 5, or 10 years and then it all comes crashing down? And even though I was happy it didn't last. I want a lifetime guarantee. I want a promise that it'll work out...life doesn't work that way, I know, but I am terrified. As I right this, I'm saying to myself.."Craig but you are an optimist. You always fall down and get right back up again?" It's true I am an optimist and I'm not afraid of much but I am afraid of letting go. I don't mean I hold grudges. I mean, I have a hard time letting myself go from myself. Freeing myself of doubt, fear, insecurities... Just letting things be.

My mind never shuts off. I can never live in the moment...live in the now. I'm always thinking ahead. People tell me I'm a good listener, but I can also be a terrible one as well. I'm always distracted and haunted by my own thoughts. I'm a worrier. I take the whole "live everyday as if it's your last" too far to the point where I am so worried about making sure I do what I want out of life I don't end up doing anything at all. I'm learning I suppose...trying to not fumble my way through life. I was watching the Olympics last week and I saw Morgan Uceny fall in the 1500 meter final. She sat there on the track smacking her hands on the track and sobbing. The saddest part is she did the same thing four years ago. That's how I feel...every time I'm given a chance to get what I want I always stumble and fall. One of these days I'll get it right.

If I reread my thoughts I probably sound like a miserable, self-deprecating individual, which I am so not. I'm actually a very happy fun guy, but we don't need to correct the things in our lives that are good. When I am sad I reflect on happier times in my life, but I write to correct the things about me that I believe I feel need changing. I enjoy change.

I hate making decisions. I'm a very indecisive person, nothing is ever black and white with me ..it's always gray. The reason why I hate making decisions is because I most often than not always end up making the wrong one. I feel like I'm cursed. That whatever decision I make it will inevitably be the wrong one. What gets me through this thought process that I've created in my mind is fate. Believing that everything happens for a reason unbeknownst to me comforts me. Maybe the decision I made was the right one and if it was the wrong one, well if fate has anything to do with it, it will somehow be corrected. I'm also very unselfish when it comes to my decision making. If my decision is going to benefit someone else I care about, even if they don't see it that way at the time, that's the decision I make. I rather see others happy instead of myself in many instances and I hate causing people sadness, it kills me to see people I care about sad, but I can't be every one's best friend even though I'd like it to be. My friends always yell at me because I tend to make excuses for people's behavior, not recognizing fully the extent of my sadness caused by others.

My mind says, "Well maybe they just had a bad day or well he doesn't know any better...fuck that...they hurt YOU stop making excuses for them." I don't like holding on to negative feelings. I don't see the point in it. I'd rather believe it is all for a reason. I'm being tested...and since I am in fact always trying to see the good in everything, I'll just shut my eyes and say to myself "Just let it be."

Reflection

If you were given a chance to do life over would you? On impulse I probably would say yes, but the fact is every bit of my life has made me who I am today.

The reason why I was able to endure all the mental abuse I went through as a kid was because I knew that after high school graduation I could start a new life for myself. The only blurb in my high school yearbook read, "Thank you to those who have hurt me. I am stronger because of you."

My bags were packed for College weeks in advance. I had never been so excited about anything in my life. I could not wait to start over and hopefully be myself.  A lot of people always ask me why I chose to go to a state college in Massachusetts when I lived in NY, but most of those people had money and could attend private schools or others didn't have the high school experience I had and I just couldn't bare to stay in my neighborhood feeling afraid anymore. I remember my mom asking me to pick some groceries at the corner store and on my way there an older teenager who lived in my apartment building tried to light me on fire. He grabbed me and literally tried to light my shirt up with his lighter. You see I didn't go to College because of my career path (I didn't have one) or to further my education, I went to have fun. To experience all the things I felt like I had missed out on all my years of high school. I had heard that Salem State was nicknamed seldom straight, so clearly I thought I have to go here. I wanted to be with people I could relate to. I had never heard of a GSA before. Plus I was intrigued by Salem's history and was always a big fan of the movie The Craft because they were outsiders as well. I even went through the whole goth phase for awhile.

What a surreal experience it was to be in an environment where I could be gay and be accepted. To have straight male friends that were ok with living with a gay guy was so weird and foreign to me. One of my friends had even said to me that he had a warped opinion about gay guys until he met me because he grew up in a very small town and I was able to open his eyes. Those four years of college were everything I dreamed they would be and although many of those friends live far away or have very busy lives of their own, we all manage to keep in touch and visit each other when we can. One of the greatest moments of my life that I will never forget is when I was at a college party and I had made a comment about some guy I thought was cute to my friend. Some jerk over heard my conversation and started making jokes about a fag being at the party. He was put in his place real quick and it was the first time I had ever seen people have my back in such a way that I felt like I belonged somewhere. I didn't want that feeling to ever go away. It was so comforting to begin to break out of my shell. To be able to express my opinions about things in a classroom, to attend parties, to have a bf on-campus...

Sophomore year I went to Montreal for Spring Break with three of my college girl friends. While they were off picking up guys at some bar I did something I never thought I could do being a shy young gay 20 year old. I went back to my hotel room, changed my clothes, and went to the first gay bar I could find...Sky Bar. I sat at the bar and had a few drinks cruising everyone around me enjoying the stares from guys probably much older than me, but it helped my confidence. I wasn't out to pick up anyone...until this point I had dated two guys and my first sexual experience was with a high school senior in an empty parking lot....I was just out to let my guard down and let myself go. Back then I didn't have much confidence, still don't, and this was my way of building it up. After that good ole liquid courage set in, I walked upstairs to the dance floor and just danced and danced until someone caught my eye. This beautiful shirtless sweaty french Canadian guy started to dance with me. He leaned in and kissed me as I just ran my hands over his muscular chest. My heart felt like it was going to explode. I must have looked really pathetic, I was so nervous. We ended up leaving the bar and grabbing coffee. We chatted til about 3 am, kissed each other goodbye, and parted ways. It felt liberating.

I have never been close to my family, immediate or extended. I'm always jealous of my friends who have large families who are really close to one another, but truly and my mom hates when I say this, but my friends are my real family. They are who I have always been able to rely on and who I always put first in my life. The ones who are genuinely good to me will always get my respect and I will always be there for them. We may not share blood but we shares our lives. They are who I will put first before myself in many instances. Despite this, many friends have come and gone for one reason or another and I try not to ever take it personally, but how can you not when you get close to someone, open up to them, and then you just stop hearing from them. It is a shitty thing to feel that you would always be there for someone, but when you needed them they were never around. I have had that happen to me on several occasions but as I get older the only person I am beginning to rely on is myself and I'm ok with that.

A lot of times I hear from gay men that I meet who either come to Boston for school or move here for work or whatever that they can't seem to make friends. "No one is friendly," they say to me. You can't go up to a group of guys and introduce yourself without them treating you as if you speak a foreign language unless you have something they can gain from you or they are interested in you. I never really understood that and I'm not trying to speak for everyone but I've heard this time and time again. Are we just all so insecure that we have to treat each other like we are back in high school? As if, unless you're a "cool kid" we can't associate with you? It's like being at a lunch table in the movie Mean Girls. I'm not saying we should all hold hands and sing a happy tune, I just don't understand why we have to be so disrespectful to one another. I used to want to be every one's friend, never understanding why someone would not want to be my friend, a bit arrogant I know, but in terms of what a friend should be I fit the bill. Now I just want to be every one's friend because I never want anyone to feel out of place or invisible.

I think due to the fact I had such a lonely childhood (and when I mean lonely it's not that I didn't have friends. I didn't sit in my room and play video games all day long. I had some incredible friends who I still speak to and who I love, but being in the environment I was in I couldn't be myself and I always felt like an outsider) I'm always needing and wanting to be apart of everything. Always so afraid of missing out on something. I'd like to say as I'm getting older that has changed but it hasn't, it has just manifested itself in a different way. I don't feel like I need to have a dozen friends to feel good about myself, but what I think is happening and the reason why I put so much emphasis on wanting to find love is because I want someone to be mine and mine alone which isn't necessarily a bad thing, but it is when in order to feel good about yourself you need to have validation from someone else. Someone to tell you they love you and so on.

My closest friends know that I am a sensitive guy and that I take a lot of things to heart and I'm ok with being that way. I wish more people I knew were like that. Despite the fact that I am that sensitive, I also don't put up with much bullshit either and am always the first to call someone out when they are acting like a D bag, which in turn makes me look like a D bag, but I'm ok with that too.  I told my friends the other day that if I ever act in a way that is offensive or inappropriate I want you to call me out on it. Sometimes we need to be put in our place. Sometimes it takes an outsider to show us that our behavior is unacceptable.

I wouldn't do anything in my life over because then I may not have met some of the incredible people in my life or I may not have made the choices I made or have experienced some of the things I have experienced. I would not have learned from the mistakes that I have made or been there for those who needed me. I hope that whoever reads this will reflect on the way they may have treated someone last week, a month ago, or sometime in their past and have the courage to say I was wrong and have even more courage to say I'm sorry.

How are you single?

I came out one night sitting down watching Dawson's Creek with my parents. There was this guy Jack who had just come out to Joey on the show. Mind you I was 16.  I just blurted it out "I'm gay" and then I burst into tears. At that moment all I could think of to do was flee, but my mom got up and hugged me and told me she had her suspicions. She had been in my bedroom and found some poetry I had written. I can't really remember what I had written, but I think it had to do with a man finding his lost lover or something like that. You see even at a young age, I've always been a dreamer when it came to love. My dad just sat there in a state of shock. He is who I was most afraid to find out, being very conservative and close minded, I didn't know how he would react.

I pulled away from my mother and ran into my bedroom. I needed time to compose myself. My face was wet, my heart was pounding, and I was shaking. It was the most impulsive thing I had done in my life, except for that fight I had months before.  At that time AOL had become the wave of the future and I had signed up for every gay chat you could think of, talking to other gay teenagers around the states, though for all I know I was talking to a pervert, but having NO ONE to talk to at the time I needed a resource. My dad came in to hug me and tell me he loved me and I would always be his son. I've never been very close to my father so to have him show affection was a bit strange to me...so I just shrugged him off and said, "yea ok dad thank you" and shooed him out of my room. I could hear them talking in the living room about me, but I didn't want to know what they were saying.

Ever since that day in 1996, I began my journey of dating men and the good and bad of relationships. I compare dating like a fight or flight response. If I'm seriously dating someone I enjoy being with I will be protective of that time I have with that person and fight for it to work out otherwise I will flee like the wind and in some cases it's because I just don't see it working or I close up my heart for fear of it being crushed. When I was a teenager dating was more fun and less serious. I was also naive and impossible to understand like any other teenager. I could fall in and out of love in an instant...well being a gay 16 year old, being in love was as simple as a hot guy smiling and saying hi to you. I felt like Jennifer Grey in Dirty Dancing when she looks at Patrick Swayze and says, "I carried a watermelon," anyone who has seen that movie as much as I knows what I am talking about. In fact, come to think of it, I still act like that when I talk to a guy I think is incredibly handsome. Every bit of my confidence disappears and I say and do stupid shit.

Now that I am 14 years older you'd think I have learned my lesson by now and in some ways I have. I am no longer naive, but I do wear my heart on my sleeve and sometimes lose sight of what I want from a guy just because I find him physically attractive. I typically have great intuitions about men. If I think they are pricks most likely they are, but I will give them the benefit of the doubt (which I do with everyone I meet), only to kick myself a couple months later for having been right about them the whole time, but like I said I lose sight of what I am looking for just because when they smile I become jello.

Recently a guy had asked me, "How are you single?" Now I know this is supposed to be flattering and all, but it just annoys me. Like, thank you for reminding me that I am single. I will ask the last guy that I was interested in that question and we will see what he says. I'm certainly no saint and I never will lie and say I have never cheated or been ignorant with someones feelings. I most certainly have learned what an ass I was when the same thing happened to me. For instance, I never knew how selfish I could be by cheating until someone cheated on me. I looked at my ex boyfriend, my eyes beginning to swell with tears, and I said, "I am so sorry for the way I acted in our relationship."

Dating is one of the most puzzling things I have ever encountered in my lifetime. Really I find it mind boggling. Now, like I said, I am no saint but I'm never disrespectful, at least I really genuinely try not to be. I think everyone is attractive in there own way...Lid for every pot or whatever. My coworker always tells me I should write a book after some of the dates I have had or men I have dated. Between the guys who fall off the planet after a couple months, the ones who spend an entire date talking about how they aren't over their past relationships and look as though they are about to burst into tears (I wanna charge them for a therapy session), to ones who are flat out drunk when I arrive or high as a kite all the time. Now sure people might laugh and say maybe it was me...I was such a bad date or lay in some cases. I know my friends would cause they are allowed to be funny in that way, but I don't think so. I told my friend Kevin the other day about how I actually leave feeling so much better about myself as a person. Despite some insecurities I have, I'm a very level headed carefree fun person. If someone doesn't find me attractive or I'm not what they are looking for...big deal. I don't become jaded or defensive. That's life. I'll probably even try and remain friends with them or be cordial when I see them out, because there's no need to be a jerk.

My best friend told me that he hates dating. I enjoy it. I figure if it doesn't work out at least I was able to meet a potentially nice guy and possibly make a friend out of it. I mean that's how I met my best friend. We had a very awkward short drink at a bar and really had nothing to say to each other, but the next day we chatted and him being new to the city and me being the nice charming guy that I am *wink* *wink* I thought I'd befriend him and let him know that there was at least one guy in Boston that wasn't so bad. Well he came into my life at such a great time because it was right after my ex had broken my heart and I felt abandoned by many of my friends. I seriously don't think I would have been able to make it through that summer without him.

Do I want to be single? No, but I also certainly don't want to be in a relationship for the sake of being in one. I've been there, done that... What good does it do?...I mean the sex will start to be dull and I'll just start fantasizing about other men that I'd much rather be with. The grass will always be greener somewhere else. The relationship will inevitably fail. I could say that being single means I have the freedom to do whatever or whoever I want, but someone recently told me, after I was being pouty and whiny, that you know you've met the right guy when you don't have to sacrifice anything at all, that's when you know it will work. Now I believe him for the mere fact he is happily married with a beautiful adopted son. I've decided to live by this. My friends all laugh and say to me, "Craig stop rushing it. Stop looking." I totally get it and I'm not out to rush anything, but many of the gay men I know have no desire to start a family, they don't even want to date. They are perfectly content with with themselves and having casual sex. That is totally cool if it works for them, but it isn't me. I mean I love sex and I will have it when I want it, but I want more than a quick lay, a short cuddle, and then awkward, "Aright I'll see ya."

I've always been a dreamer when it comes to love. I'm Christian from Moulin Rouge. Seriously I could be singing on a rooftop screaming "Love is a many splendid thing....." I mean I won't, I am not crazy, but I could. People laugh at me..think I really am crazy..but I don't care. I want to find real love. As much as I am an optimist, I'm most definitely a realist as well. I'm an optimist in the fact that no matter how many times I stumble my way through dating or fall hard on the concrete that is love..and believe me I have been broken...I dust myself off and keep on going. I wouldn't say I'm actively looking, though my friends would say otherwise and they yell at me for it. I always believed I'd find the right guy the old fashioned way. I like hearing love stories of how people met...maybe it was young love or maybe at a party after being overseas...something sweet. I don't want someone to ask me how I met my husband and I'd have to lie because anything would be better than saying I met him on an iphone application where most guys go to hook up.

"You two look so cute together. How did you meet," Says random stranger
"Well, my husband asked me if I was "looking" on this iphone App Grindr, " I say.

My ex boyfriend and I met on one of those sites, but it was nothing like the above. On our first date I told him to meet me on the Lagoon Bridge in the Boston Public Garden. I thought maybe if we hit it off and we end up together I could propose to him there...where we first met. SEE I TOLD YOU! I'm a sappy lovestruck dork. But I'm happy being that way. Anyways not having any clue about the Boston Public Garden, he was at TD Garden...wasn't exactly the meeting I wanted, but hey on our second date he got it right. It's a shame we didn't work out as he was the most loyal and sweet boyfriend I have ever had and sexy as hell....but something was missing that I couldn't fix so I ended it whether it was the right choice I don't know. Ironically the one guy I did fall in love with a few years back took it upon himself to blow some dude in a  bathroom on our vacation while I waited for him outside. I guess that is just the way it goes.

My favorite finale of any television show was Six Feet Under...I must have watched it thousand times..sobbing. Truthfully..I sobbed. I felt like Claire the day I left for college, but what really touched me was how David saw his late husband, Keith, playing football, right before he passed away. Something in that moment made me lose it...because I want that so bad. Real love...but I won't settle for anything less. I want a family of my own. I want to teach my son or daughter about life, and love, and happiness. I want to leave a legacy behind.

Anyways "Why am I single?" Because as open as my heart is, there is only one guy who can find his way in, and I just haven't found him yet.

“It is better to be hated for what you are than to be loved for what you are not.”

My decision to start blogging partly stemmed from an experience I recently had involving my inability to open up and trust someone. By the time I was ready to open up, it was too late. Someone else was able to do what I couldn't and I missed my chance to possibly grow closer to this person.

I was laying in bed one night upset with myself for not having the ability to be me and I realized that I don't even know me. I could stare at my reflection for hours and not really know the person looking back at me. It's a strange feeling that I don't believe I can fully describe, but I came to the realization that because I don't know me...no one else really has either. My whole life..my parents, my brother, boyfriends, friends... has anyone gotten to really see me for who I am?

Due to my experiences growing up, I think that I have become so afraid to be comfortable in my own skin and it does not have to do with anything physical. I am comfortable with my body...it's about who I am as a human being that I am disconnected from. Our mundane lives get in the way of us having the ability to dig deep inside ourselves...at least in mine. In my own life, I feel like everyone I know has only scratched the surface of who I am. Some have just not wanted to get to know me and I think that's a shame as I pride myself on treating everyone equally and I'm a caring guy. It isn't enough for me to go about what I see as a transparent everyday life. I want to have a deeper connection with a least one other person in my life. Hopefully someday that will be the man I marry. In the meantime, I want to have that connection with myself. Blogging has given me the opportunity to step back and write about my feelings and my experiences, allowing me to understand myself better and to allow others to get to know me on a deeper level.

“It is better to be hated for what you are than to be loved for what you are not.” Andre Gide. I found this quote online the other day and I fell in love with it.

The feedback I received from others regarding my last blog was very touching.  I'm not sorry for what happened to me in my youth because it caused me to test my inner strength and it has carried me through. When I take the time and think about what qualities I consider are my strongest, my inner strength, is the one that I always pride myself on. No matter what shit happens to me on a daily basis, I can take it. I don't let fear or sadness take control of me. I will give myself a moment to take in that emotion and let it overpower me but I will force it out as quickly as it came in. I'll never be a pessimist...it is just not in my nature and as much I look back and think about how I had some really fucked up times in my life there is always someone out there who has it a lot worse than I.

There was a time in my life where I resented my parents for making so many wrong choices in life and I was so envious of my friends who had parents that could actually support them through College and beyond. I didn't want everything handed to me, but I wanted some help when I needed it. I don't blame my mom as much as my dad, because many of his choices caused our family problems, but I was so angry at both of them. Now that I am older and mature I look at what they sacrificed just to give my brother and I the little that we could have and I respect them a bit more. Growing up I lived in a one bedroom apartment in Yonkers. My parents didn't have a bedroom, they slept on a mattress in the living room and my brother and I shared a bedroom. First we had bunkbeds and then as we got older that bedroom pretty much was split in half. You could tell which half was mine by the Zack Morris and NKOTB pictures I had on my wall from Teen Beat magazine.  This lifestyle was normal to me and I just assumed living in a house was a major luxury I'd never come to know.

When my mom was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis, I was about 10 or 11 and when I reached my teenage years I was embarrased to be seen with her. How selfish was I....right? I just wanted a mom who could walk normally and we didn't get stared at whenever I had to help her walk with her arm around mine. It was a struggle in school and a struggle at home especially by 15 when my Dad left my mom for another woman. It was just me having to take care of her, taking her to rehab, helping her around the house, helping her up when she would fall. One time I had come home from school after a day of mental abuse to find my mom laying on the bathroom floor because she fell and couldn't get back up. By the time I reached 18 I felt guilty for leaving for college, but even more guilty for parts of me not caring. I needed out. The point is despite the mental and physical pain my mom has endured for so long which led to depression at times, she has remained strong. That has to be where I get my inner strength and I hope one day I can carry that inner strength on to a child of my own.

"You should have killed yourself, queer."

When I was 7 years old, I had asked my mom if I was queer. Of course I don't remember asking this, but she told me about it when I was 16, the night I came out to my parents. She had asked me where I had heard this, shock and fear in her voice.
"The kids in the school yard," I said
"Do you know what queer means?" she asked.
"Not really, I just like playing with the girls at recess," I responded.

When a caterpillar has reached it's full growth potential it creates a cocoon known as the pupa where inside it begins the transformation to a butterfly. One of the most beautiful and delicate creatures I believe to be on this earth. It was as if I was doing the opposite. I was this beautiful soul inching my way deeper and deeper inside myself, growing scared and hating the world and myself. I hated the world for not allowing me to just be myself and I hated myself for caring what the world would think of me.

When I was 12, I began to start fully realizing that my affection for other boys was much greater than it well should have been, but who was I to turn to with questions? My older brother? He'd probably call me a freak and tell my parents there was something wrong with me. My only male friend, Eddie? That would probably lead to me having no male friends. I went to Catholic school...could I turn to a priest? Ha! We used to have a priest come and talk to us in class and he would allow us to ask him anoymous questions by writing them down on a piece of paper and putting them in a hat. One question someone had asked was if masterbation was a sin and he replied, yes. Well that just made me want to jerk off more. At the time I had a thing for Gavin Rossdale from the band Bush. I thought he was so hot. I would pull it every night listening to Glycerine....fact is I had no one to go to but the TV and the only guy I knew on television that was a homosexual was Pedro Zamora from MTV's the Real World and well he passed away from the AIDS virus. So at 12, being young and naive, I assumed that if I was a homosexual I too would end up with the AIDS virus. It was that point on that I decided I just couldn't be gay. I'd do whatever it took to shut out any feelings I had towards other boys. This was reinforced by a male school teacher I had in 7th grade who asked us if we would ever eat food cooked from someone with the HIV virus. I remember it like it was yesterday. In what context this had come up I do not know...health class? I can't remember. I do remember him telling us he wouldn't and I thinking that was absurd, but I was a gay 13 year old with no guts to stick up for what I knew to be right. This may be why I am so opinionated now.

To say I was a scared and lonely child is an understatement. One of my favorite movies as a kid was an American Tail. I used to sing "Somewhere Out There" out my 8th story apartment building window in NY and envision another boy my age going through the pain I was. We would find eachother some day and live happily ever after. My God wow I lived in a fantasy world!

In 8th grade, I thought, "Ok Craig you survived the name calling and the every so often push and shove..not such a big deal. No one ever really followed you home to "fuck you up" even though they threatened too." "The next 4 years in an all boys Catholic HS...that is gonna suck."...and did it ever.

The first day of my freshman year..it poured. It was a gray and dismal day, almost as if the weather felt my angst. I walked to my locker soaking wet attempting to not draw attention, which was an epic fail when I slipped falling flat on my back spilling books, pencils, and pens just about everywhere. Nice going! I ignored the laughter at that moment, but I wouldn't be able to ignore the events that happened for the next four years of my life.

I used to sit at the front of the public bus I would take home from school with my discman on full blast trying to drown out the guys calling me names from the back. Sarah Mclachlan's Solace was my album of choice. I grew to love the song "Into the Fire." Into the fire/I'm reunited/Into the fire/I am the spark/Into the night/I yearn for comfort. This was an everyday occurence. I dreaded the bus. I hated even more that it was a public bus because random people who sat on that bus every day and would just listen to this scared shy boy being picked on and no one ever came to my aid. The one time I attempted to sit in the back I won't forget...

There was one empty seat in the back and this guy Jaoquin had his feet on it. I looked at him and he ignored me. He was lounged out reading a magazine. "Can I sit down," I asked. My heart couldn't have been beating any faster. "I don't want a faggot sitting next to me," he said. I had for the past 10 years put up with the name calling, the shoving, being spit on, gum in my hair, vandalized lockers, stolen belongings...I finally saw red and all of my fear turned to rage. I smacked that magazine from his hands and the moments after were all a blur. I had my first all out fist fight and although I was scared shitless I had found a new sense of pride in myself. As the rumours around school grew regarding our fight so did the rumours of me being jumped by a group of guys one day soon after.

I stood in my bathroom with a sharp kitchen knife curious to feel the knife cutting away at my flesh. How much would it hurt? Maybe it would be quick. I had placed the knife to my arm and made a small incision. OUCH! HOLY FUCK! What the hell am I doing! I wasn't sure if I was afraid of dying or just a sissy to the pain. I wanted too much out of life and I had survived 10 years of this crap, what were two more years? That was of course hoping College would be much different. I wanted to be loved by someone, I wanted to have sex, I wanted to get married, I needed to take care of my mom who had Multiple Sclerosis...my dad had left my mom for her best friend and my brother was away in Boston. Who would care for her? I wanted to be whoever the fuck I was supposed to be, I wanted to be ALIVE. I had taken that knife to school the next day just in case the rumours were true. I needed to defend myself.

It was homeroom and this guy Joe, another guy who found pleasure in my misery, was throwing spit balls at me and whispering the word faggot just loud enough for others to hear but quiet enough for our teacher to not. I turned around and told him to shut the fuck up. Well that our teacher did hear. Her name was Ms. Vaz. She was probably the age I am now and who I felt I could confide in, because she seemed pretty cool and she wasn't a religous affiliate. She was pretty and strict, but sweet and endearing at the same time. She pulled me aside before I tried to run to my first class...."What's going on?," she asked with sincere eyes. It was the first time anyone had asked me if something was wrong. I looked at her..my eyes swelling up and just said I was tired and really just wanted to end it all. She told me to head to my first period and by my second class I was called to the Dean of Students office. He had my backpack and my knife. "OH MY GOD...This is it," I thought. I just broke down sobbing uncontrollably. My parents were called in and I was forced to explain it all to them. Why had I brought a knife to school? Did I want to end my life? What was this all about? Am I gay? I luckily wasn't expelled due to my being a good kid with a clean school record. I was forced to see a psychologist that day and be evaluated before going back to school though.

I don't remember the ride to the hospital but I do vaguely remember being asked to spell earth backwards by some psych intern or something. What the fuck would have happened if I couldn't?! I was scared to death sitting there with my parents, tears in their eyes, as they watched their youngest son being checked out for clinical depression. To no one's suprise it was determined that I was fit to go back to school and so I did. Now everyone knew...not that I was gay, but that I COULD be. But I still swore to everyone I wasn't. Oddly enough I think that maybe had I just come out in school I wouldn't have been bullied anymore. It's as if they were trying to push me to my breaking point, but I would not bend. I just wanted to make it through High School so I could breakaway from this god awful prison that was my life and be free. I did come out shortly after that to my parents and friends, but remained a secret to others.

In gym class I had found out it was rumoured I had slit my wrists in the men's bathroom and was escorted out of school, put in an ambulance and sent to the hospital. The sick part is I thought well good maybe now people would feel sorry for me. Maybe even leave me alone. Nope. A classmate of mine, Frank, said in gym class "You should have killed yourself, queer."

I Was Here

I sing a lot in my car. To the point where I am bellowing out notes that probably sound like a cross between a cat in heat and a boy fighting puberty. Despite the predicament of my horrendous singing voice, I have come to terms with it. I have been laughed at many times by those next to me at a red light, but it doesn't bother me much. I bellow out these notes believing that if I sing them loud enough someone will hear me and I don't mean those unfortunate individuals to my right or left. I mean those I am singing to. That my words will telepathically reach them and they will know what I am feeling. Lately I have been singing to noone but myself. I have been singing what I believe to be words of wisdom.
I have spent the past month soul searching. Really trying to dig deep as to what type of person I want to become. To some it is quite easy as though they were born with a road map. I am not aware of such a road map. What I am aware of is my inability to find happiness within myself. In my career, I have never found my niche. In love, I look to others for approval or not feeling good enough, most likely throwing away some incredible men. In friends, I seem to never find my footing. It has led me to believe in many ways that I am going to die one day looking back and never feeling fulfilled. Which is a really shitty thing to feel at the age of 30, but when your life has been filled with so much dissapointment it's hard not to feel this way. I could blame my parents for never succeeding in life and therefore never being able to provide me with many options, I could blame those who bullied me from kindgarten through HS for crushing my self esteem or those friends who never seemed to stick making me feel worthless....OR I could blame myself. It is MY life after all...I sometimes feel like my reality is thwarted by fantasy, but I have decided to lift that veil from my head and try and see things more clearly.

My promise to myself:
I have got to get a hold of my life.
I have got to stop seeking approval from others.
I have got to stop feeling like I am in a race to love

I live in my head which has gotten me into trouble. I'd like to say I am not an anxious person, but I am. Everything concerns me. I wish I could be one of those people who just doesn't give a shit, but I will never be one of those people. I stress out over the littlest things...and I have realized that much of my stress is largely due to my inability to be happy with myself. I have to constantly remind myself that I am in charge of my own life and I need to stop giving that power to others.

Music has become my inspiration and one song has really struck me so deep that I can listen to it over and over again and cry and cry and cry. The message is so great and so powerful. If I could on the day that I die whisper these words and know that they are true than I WILL be fulfilled.

I was here
I lived, I loved
I was hereI did, I've done, everything that I wanted
And it was more than I thought it would be
I will leave my mark so everyone will know
I was here